7 reasons why Bangalore Royal Challengers won’t win IPL II

1. Spirit is volatile and it doesn’t last the whole nine yards;

2. Vijay Mallya has got the right men but in wrong places. For instance, Adrian Sutil spins more than Anil Kumble, while Rahul Dravid drives better than Giancarlo Fisichella;

3. You don’t open a cola bottle with Praveen Kumar but BRC can open their batting with him!

4. Ray Jennings has complained to Mallya that Jesse Ryder has not attended a single net session and is often spotted flirting with a particular Mischief Gal;

5. BRC looked a Test team in IPL I and resembles an ODI outfit in IPL II. In other words, the T20 metamorphosis is still some distance away;

6. Virat Kohli has an ego problem with spinning balls;

7. Business magnates have a penchant for bouncing cricketers’ WAGs on their knees – medics call it Stanford Syndrome -- and that explains the hurry of the BRC players to return to the pavilion.

Order of the Put Before Disorder

Australia is shrinking but environment activists need not disrobe or/and demonstrate. This is strictly about Australian representation at Indian Premier League II.

Epitome of larrikin patriotism Ricky Ponting put Country before IPL and summarily booked himself a Companion of the Order of Australia medallion. This was the precise the provocation behind putting together a list of seven other cricketers who put something before some other thing in recent past.

Sample what comes first for whom.

1. Mohd ‘Yo-Yo’ Yousuf: Put Christianity before Islam, Islam before Christianity, ICL before Pakistan, IPL before ICL, ICL before IPL, Pakistan before ICL…to be continued.

2. Brad ‘Machiavelli’ Haddin: Put gloves before stumps.

3. Michael ‘Love-struck’ Clarke: Pre-vice captaincy, put ailing father-in-law before team; post-vice captaincy, put team before marriage. Pup skipped IPL I to be with ailing Pop-in-Law and now cricket commitment puts his marriage with Lara Bingle on hold.

4. Allen ‘Fraud’ Stanford: Put himself before law. Now he comes first, followed by Vijay Singh, Michael Owen, Kevin Pietersen, ECB, WICB and FBI sleuthhounds.

5. Bryce ‘Sleepy’ McGain: Put a sound sleep before a cricket tour and missed the flight to South Africa. What else you expected from someone who knew Australia had sleepless nights ahead?

6. Andrew ‘Fredalo’ Flintoff: Uncannily, he too preferred a nap before a tour and almost missed England’s flight to the Windies. Doosra is told it was part of his preparation for the tour. The nocturnal booze cruise in the Caribbeans to be precise.

7. Mitchell ‘Cupid’ Johnson: Put girl friend before Queensland. ‘Midge’ dumped Queensland and moved to Western Australia to be with his lady love Jessica Bratich. Jessica being the national karate champion, it’s not known whether Midge did it under duress.

(P.S. Doosra takes a nine-day break, solely because it's my last chance to dissuade my parents from completely disowning their unworthy son. So friends, Roman and countrymen, make the most of my absence, enjoy every nano-second of it before I return and hit back with vengeance. See you all. Happy blogging)

Here is how England remains immune to change

# The Egyptians, at some point of time, used slabs of stones for pillows;

# Sometime in the ‘60s, schools in Tanganyika were closed because of a queer outbreak of contagious laughter that lasted for six months;

# Sometime in the ‘80s, workers in a Las Vegas hospital were suspended for betting on which patient would die first.

So, let’s be honest and admit that stranger things did happen in the past. Taking the mickey out of Geoff Miller and his selectorial colleagues is a trifle rude, so what if England is on the verge of another world record – of picking the same XI for the sixth Test on the trot.

While nitpicking critics call it creative bankruptcy on the selectors’ part, here are 5 reasons why England will field the same XI again, and again and again:

1. Let me share a scoop. Demanding their share of the Stanford pie, the selectors are actually on an industrial strike, leaving ECB with no other option but to field the same XI, matches after matches, till the deadlock ends. Impressed by his troubleshooting in the Gujjar row, ECB is all set to approach Sri Sri Ravi Shankar to end the stalemate;
2. Convinced (by Stanford, who else?) that Test cricket is the worst thing to happen to mankind, ECB decided to parade the same XI faces till the crowd is bored to death and stops coming to grounds;
3. ECB realised creating a sense of belonging and job security are vital to ensure optimum productivity (in strict cricketing sense) from the players. Besides, it also pre-empts supra-cricketing efforts -- like Sidebottom bringing down Grant Elliot -- to cement place in the squad;
4. Notional infallibility of the fact that players are bound to come good at some point of time, ensuring occasional moments of success;
5. Finally it upholds selectorial integrity by nixing possibilities of favouritism and nepotism at one stroke.