You know all is not well with Yuvraj when...

1. His midriff attracts more attention than that of a cheerleader;

2. His average in IPL is…well not even average, rather below-average;

3. He spends an incredible 23 days, 22 hours and 36 seconds without a bar brawl reported in media;

4. Police personnel make claims which basically mean knotted bed-sheets have been found hanging from the balcony of his hotel room;

5. He virtually usurps coach Tom Moody’s surname;

6. Sangakkara/Jayawardene sees no point in positioning him at point and exiles him to a third man;

7. Fans ponder calling him Sulk Hogan.

Pix: AP

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: I the Captain

They maked me captain again. I was expecting. I actually showed my hand to family astronomer and he spoke I will get it.

I’m joy like nobody’s business and I’m fully confidential that we will defend our title.

We are practicing like nobody’s business. Other day, Salman Butt actually fell subconscious but still practiced! He is so devotee that you can’t question his royalty.

Butt is not him only. All of us wanting to doing something for which posterior would remember us.

Our team in the balance like nobody’s business.

Our batting is good. We have both shit anchors and players who can...what the thing Ravi Shastri keep shouting...yes...players who can up the aunty...god knows why Ravi wants all to up their aunty but it sounds good.

We have to play as a team, not as indivisual. I expect the fool team to be positive and come to each other’s AIDS like nobody’s business. Bowlers have to take precautions and insure they not conceive easy boundaries. Or it can get fetal.

Personally speaking myself, controversies happening all the time like nobody’s business and a captain have to put lid on them.

I give surety to all. I will lid from the front.

Unveiling Pune Pupas...err...Pune Pachyderms

Lalit Modi has delivered! And lo! it’s a twin!

Metaphorically speaking, lest I’m misquoted. ‘Delivering the goods’ is how it goes, if you know your metaphors well.

So at best, Modi merely midwifed it.

Well, now that the babies have arrived, the next logical step is the christening ceremony.

So expect the IPL franchisees to summon all their creative bankruptcy and throw up a repulsive name that you never suspected anyone of decent upbringing capable of.

We already have some of the most obnoxious names in circulation and no wonder Pune and Kochi would jump onto the bandwagon, hoping to lower the bar.

Doosra has certain ideas for Pune and it maybe worth a dekko.

If you follow me closely, you’ll see the animal theme is pretty strong in IPL. Logos are littered with lions and bulls and what not!

Why spare the name?

In fact, I foresee a day when Meerut Monkeys will take on Gorakhpur Gorillas and Ballabhgarh Baboons will lock horns with Ootacamund Orangutans and the tournament will be shown on National Geography.

No prize for guessing that Arun Lal -- Piggy to friends, if any -- would be the only commentator to retain his job.

Continuing with the animal theme and showing solidarity to IPL’s save-alliteration-campaign, Pune Ponies seems sensible.

After all, it’s a rookie outfit, new to an existing eight-horse race called IPL.

And when the cookie crumbles, fans can wash their hands of, saying they backed the wrong horse.

Pune Pupas is not bad either, capturing its nascency and promising the caterpillar will become a butterfinger…err...butterfly someday.

Even if not an IPL butterfly, a social butterfly at least?

Pune Puppies sounds smart as well and who better to lead the side than Michael Clarke! Pup is free of engagements at the time of going to press.

Talking about merchandising, Pune Puppies can market footwears that would rival hush Puppies!

In contrast, Pune Pachyderms sounds odd but imposing. It would suggest their immunity to criticism.

It may lack phonetic sophistication but at least getting under their skin would be next to impossible.

7 IPL players, once domiciled

1. Owais Shah=Owais Saha, Wriddhiman’s long lost brother.

2. Kumar Sangakkara=Kumar Singh Kaur (Pardon the sex change).
 

3. Shane Bond=Sanat Bandopadhyay.
 

4. Kieron Pollard=Kiran Palekar.

5. Matthew Hayden=Mutthuswami Hegde (Come on, some K’taka Brahmins do stay in Chennai)

6. Tillakaratne Dilshan=Tilak Rattan Dhillon.

7. Jean-Paul Duminy=Jaipal Dhamne.

IPL, a lexicographer’s perspective

Had Samuel Johnson or Noah Webster been around, it would have spared me the trouble. Since they are not, I guess someone has to step in, spit on his palms and get on with the job.

So here are seven IPL words which Doosra believes should straightaway be in the lexicons.
 

1. Laliterature (la-lit-ray-chur): any text rich with recurring phrases like ‘multi-million-dollar deal’, ‘tender’, ‘rights’, ‘franchise’ etc. (e.g. The eunuchs who came to listen to Pranab Mukherjee’s budget were disappointed, admitting they could not make heads or tails of the Finance Minister’s laliterature.)
 

2. Yusuffering (yu-suff-ring): See-saw, yo-yoing. (e.g. Elin Nordegren finally handed Tiger Woods his hat, saying the golfer’s yusuffering fidelity was to be blamed for their parting.)
 

3. Mandiraxed (man-di-raxd): Dumped unceremoniously. (e.g. Sarah Palin says she is clueless why Barack Obama mandiraxed her and fell for that Chicago lamppost called Michelle.)
 

4. Yuvinile (yuv-nael): Excessive penchant for nightlife. (e.g. ‘Shoaib Akhtar had all the ingredients to be a great bowler but for his yuvinile indiscretions,’ rued Imran Khan.)
 

5. Shilparasites (shil-para-saets): gatecrashing relatives of your lady boss. (e.g. I had invited only my boss in my anniversary but she turned up with hordes of her freeloading shilparasites.)
 

6. Gangulyse (gang-u-lies): revive, mend. (e.g. John Terry’s tormented wife today made it clear that no amount of counseling can gangulyse her relation with her Casanova husband.)
 

7. Sehwagon Wheel: A wagon wheel where 4s and 6s far outnumber 1s and 2s. (e.g. Arjun Tendulkar’s Sehwagon Wheel reassured us that the youngster is following in his father’s footsteps.)

Preity Zinta and her struggle to stay positive

Stripped of captaincy, your marquee player sulks all day and then sneaks out of team hotel in the dead of night.

The new captain feels awkward and doesn't even understand the language he is lampooned in.

You have an Englishman who just didn't want to be here before lucre did him in.

The long and short of it is that you find yourself pretty much in a hole.

So what do you do? You tell yourself you won’t cave in and remain positive, come what may.

Sensible indeed, one has to concede.

But getting an HIV positive woman to toss the coin! Isn’t it stretching the positive stuff too far Ms Zinta?

Yusuferman!

Make no mistake, we still hate Lalit Modi. But let’s face it, IPL isn’t skin-deep cricket. 

Yes sir. There is intense drama. And there is heart-wrenching tragedy too.

Come March and the Athenians had their Dionysia where Greek tragedies were staged. 26 centuries since then and March still springs tragedy on us.

His profile says he is from Baroda. Actually, Yusuf Pathan is straight from the pages of the great Greek tragedies of Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides.

Crime and Punishment II

PCB wants us to believe that the Greenshirts are basically a cloak-and-dagger society. And that the innocent pastimes of its denizens include spiking each other’s drink, garnishing a teammate’s salad with generous sprinkling of potassium cyanide and frequent negotiations with the upcoming hit-man of the neighbourhood with the photo of a teammate in pocket.

Priceless drivel!

Doosra reveals the actual crimes of the Sullied Seven of Pakistan Cricket and also suggests suitable alternative punishments.

1. Younis Khan:

Crime: Tendency to quit captaincy at the drop of the hat.

Punishment: PCB should once again place the skipper’s cap on his head, having dipped its inside in Fevicol this time.

2. Mohd Yousuf: 

Crime: Inability to convert starts into big knocks.

Punishment: Should be forced to keep converting, from Islam to Falun Gong, from Falun Gong to Pow-wow, from Pow-wow to Seicho-no-Ie…the idea is to keep going.

3. Shoaib Malik:

Crime: Lack of commitment.

Punishment: Should be forced to marry, this time in person, the Hyderabadi girl he had once reportedly married over phone before remorselessly selling her down the river. Once you learn the value of commitment in personal life, it automatically spills over to cricket.

4. Rana Naved-ul-Hasan:

Crime: Wearing the ugliest wig in cricket.

Punishment: Should be made to share a dormitory with Lasith Malinga till an inferiority complex gets the better of his sang-froid.

5. Shahid Afridi:

Crime: Borrowing opium from Asif that led to a hallucination in which a cricket ball appeared as an apple.

Punishment: His daily net session should begin with 500mg of unalloyed Tamarind juice, a proved antidote, shoved down his protesting throat.

6. Kamran Akmal:

Crime: Trying to give the impression that orthodontic brace industry simply doesn’t exist in Pakistan.

Punishment: His contract should have an additional clause empowering PCB to use his dental excess for outdoor advertising.

7.Umar Akmal:

Crime: Putting brotherly love ahead of team interest.

Punishment: Should be asked to memorise the full name of the Fijian cricketer IL Bula and write it 10 times before he is allowed in the nets. (By the way, Bula’s surname is Talebulamainavaleniveivakabulaimainakulalakebalau)

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Shoaib’s a fine cricketer

Lend me your hair and tell you sumthing. Shoaib Irkthar is fined repeatedly again. Bloody 7 million rupees! Now I know why Imran Bhai once calld him a fine cricketer.

See, I’m a strait foreword parson and I can speak that I unlike Shoaib like nobody's bizness. Such a bloody...what you call it...hairdo?...weirdo? Whatever.

Always throwing ten-trams like nobody’s bizness. Once he gived me wisdom that I needed more serials in my food! Forget serials, my mom spoke me never to see TV at all when eating.

Shoaib have altitude problems also too. In fact, its in his jeans. He has no manors and uses fowl language like nobody’s bizness. No humidity at all. And my blood boils when he tells Urdu with a bloody New York accent!

I also unlike his habitat of cooking stories. As if we not know 99 percent of his lies are not true. Huh.

Once he tried to consult me in front of all, asking ‘where you live, by the way?’ I nearly punched his rear backside with my leg. I mean why should I live by the way? Am I a beggar?

Now PCB is fining him and at this rate, Shoaib Irkthar himself would soon live by the way. This is called iron of life.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Walker Bhai

Semifinally a good news. Don’t giggle. Semifinally b’coz nothing is final in Pakistan cricket.

Coming to the gully…I mean…coming to the point…Walker Younis is going to be our new coach.

I’m joy. He is the need of the our. I liken Walker Bhai like nobody’s business. What you say in English…yes…we really gel oil.

He told me other day he has GOT three kids. I don’t know where he GOT them. Always thought they were his own. Now seems Walker Bhai adapted those baby Walkers.

By the way, Walker Bhai stays in Sydney. We most-wanted a new coach and we didn’t wanted any bloody outsider. So we got a Sydneysider.

Outsiders are always conspiring to die in a foreign hotel like nobody’s business and bringing us trouble. Woolmer did that. And then Police came like nobody’s business and asked all shorts of incomfortable questions.

I had fed up with old coach. Intikhab Alam was senile like nobody’s business. He forgots everything. He once asked me what happened to my glasses. I showed him my empty pocket and swored at him that I returned my glasses after drinking. Then he said he mistaked me for Zaheer Abbas!

He coached Indian Punjab team in Ranji Trophy. All along thoughting he was coaching Pakistani Punjab team! It is uneasy to share dressing room with such forget fools. So welcome Walker Bhai.

(P.S. I’ll tell Walker Bhai why we are losing like nobody's business. Our board is led by a Butt. Our innings is opened by a Butt. That’s why we always bring up the rear)