Afridi's Secret Diary: Salary Cut

I'm going threw bad faze like nobody's business. I not knowing if you readed the news. The crickit board cut my salary because they think I'm unfit. They cut my salary as if it being salad! You not seeing how anger I am. I am more anger than Dhoni when he was refuged Biryani in a hotel.

They cut my salary, on a time when shampoo and hair conditioner price is increasing like Inzybhai's westline. I don't know how lengthy I can take care of my beautiful hair.

Idiots not knowing I take my fitness like nobody's business. Every day I excise with my chacha's son.He is my favourite cuisine in the middle of all cuisines. While other cousins come only to vacant my freeze, this cuisine comes to excise. Like me, he is also a racist. So we race every morning. Then in the afternoon, we go to the Jim and lift wait. And when there is no wait, we lift Nasir Jamshed. I used to lift Inzy bhai in the earlier past days but he did not liking it and growed beard so that I cannot identify him.

Board's logistic is if they cut my salary, I can by less food from shop. I by less food means I eat less food. And I eat less means I more fit.

Cowdung!

Truth is when I excise, I get tyred and sweets come all over my body. I am not like that dirty Munaf Patel. I have to bath again after that. And to bath two times, I need double amount soaps and double amount shampoo and hair conditioners. How I by them if you cut my salary? If you cut my salary, I stop excise because I can't bath behind that. And I stop excise means I become fat. Someone understand those idiots.

Five months in front of the World Cup, there doing whatever there wanting. This going to back on fire for us and we will have to import Burnols from India, I telling you. By for now.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Wishing Shoaib

I’m again joy like nobody’s business. What is the because? Well, finally Shoaib Malik divorced the girl he called sister and he goed on to merry Sania Mirza, whom he fortunately doesn’t call his sister.

I called him and wished him many, many happy returns of the day. No idea why he not likening it and banged the phone. Lacks mannerism, I think.

But I not blaming him. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…waise toh sabka Malik ek hai. But it was implicated like nobody’s business. Goed through hell. Poor chap. And had to give Rs 61 lakh haq mehr to Sania. Now you knowed why I called him poor chap.

But if you questioning me, I short of liken Shoaib. He looks like a idiot, talks like a idiot and plays like a idiot. But inside, he is a 24-carrot genteel man. Inside dressing room, he is chewing carrots all the time in a corner, never throwing ten-trams like the other Shoaib.

I’m doubtless he was victim of some kind of something that ends with piracy…what you call it?...got it...conspiracy.

So I’m joy his trouble is finally over and they now can settle in Gulf. After all, all’s well that ends in oil and you don’t have more oil outside Gulf.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Walker Bhai

Semifinally a good news. Don’t giggle. Semifinally b’coz nothing is final in Pakistan cricket.

Coming to the gully…I mean…coming to the point…Walker Younis is going to be our new coach.

I’m joy. He is the need of the our. I liken Walker Bhai like nobody’s business. What you say in English…yes…we really gel oil.

He told me other day he has GOT three kids. I don’t know where he GOT them. Always thought they were his own. Now seems Walker Bhai adapted those baby Walkers.

By the way, Walker Bhai stays in Sydney. We most-wanted a new coach and we didn’t wanted any bloody outsider. So we got a Sydneysider.

Outsiders are always conspiring to die in a foreign hotel like nobody’s business and bringing us trouble. Woolmer did that. And then Police came like nobody’s business and asked all shorts of incomfortable questions.

I had fed up with old coach. Intikhab Alam was senile like nobody’s business. He forgots everything. He once asked me what happened to my glasses. I showed him my empty pocket and swored at him that I returned my glasses after drinking. Then he said he mistaked me for Zaheer Abbas!

He coached Indian Punjab team in Ranji Trophy. All along thoughting he was coaching Pakistani Punjab team! It is uneasy to share dressing room with such forget fools. So welcome Walker Bhai.

(P.S. I’ll tell Walker Bhai why we are losing like nobody's business. Our board is led by a Butt. Our innings is opened by a Butt. That’s why we always bring up the rear)

Shahid Afridi's Secret Diary: Ball-Biting

Saled my bloody TV to kabadiwala.

Not asking me what is the bloody because. It gaved me bloody ache in the neck like nobody's business. Every time I switched it on, it showed me biting the bloody ball like nobody's business!

Nobody trusting me when I am tolding it's accidental. They speaking its only dental. Had Inzy Bhai doing it, they would be calling it Inzydental.

My bloody blood boiled like nobody's business. I gave two bloody whistles too and nearly became a bloody pressure cooker!

Every time I looked at the TV, I saw myself like nobody's business. I once mistook it for mirror and started combing my hair in front!

Then I used my head. Saw Zidane doing it to Materazzi. Never knewed it hurts like nobody's business. The TV set on the floor swimmed before me. But I recall who I is. So it should be OK.

I realised the bloody footage must have got stuck somewhere behind the TV screen like nobody's business. Happens with bloody gramophones. Something stucking and you hear the same line repeatedly again. So thoughted to sale it and broughting a new set.

These media !@#$%&* made a bloody fortune out of that footage. It's buffaloing like nobody's business! First they ask for bite and when you bite, these sons-of-what-nuts still have problems! They are jealous of us success fool peoples like nobody's business.

I'm sure when they wenting to hell, the Almighty will make Kakori Kebabs of them and feed them to Musharraf's dogs like nobody's business.

Tomorrow, one toothpaste company approached me to biting the ball again in their commercial. I was agree. After all, two err is human. And I have erred only once. Have seeken PCB's permission, hope they allow.

(P.S. This is the beginning of a brand new Shahid Afridi's Secret Diary series, the frequency of which would be directly proportional to the availability of the required brainwaves.)