She is why Kiwis lost Champions Trophy

Daniel Vettori: pulled hamstring.

Jacob Oram: ditto.

Jesse Ryder: messed up groin.

Daryl Tuffey: broke hand.

Grant Elliot: hurt thumb.

Ian Butler: developed intestinal infection.

Saw the rush to get injured? Like moths drawn to fire?

No offence to Kate Stalker but just shows having a female physio can easily be one of the 101 Ways A Cricket Team Can Shoot Itself In the Foot.

Kate Stalker Pix: Associated Press

7 Reasons why India lost Champions Trophy

1. Two overs and a wicket. Let's face it, MS Dhoni underbowled himself;

2. The tackiness of the trophy didn't tinkle Dhoni's sense of aesthetics;

3. Lalit Modi had warned Dhoni & Co of dire consequences if they overdid things in Champions Trophy and picked up injuries that would jeopardise their Champions League participation;

4. The sight of IPL teammates in rival camps left Dhoni's men with the same dilemma that had crippled Arjuna in Kurukshetra. Alas, there was no Krishna to talk the Indians out of their predicament;

5. Virat Kohli's batting isn't as formidable as his visa office contacts which make him an obvious substitute whenever a teammate twists ankle or hurts groin;

6. Continuing with the Kohli factor, he replaced Gautam Gambhir (now vice captain) in Sri Lanka and Yuvraj Singh (original vice captain) in South Africa. At this rate, he would replace Dhoni against Australia and this very threat perception explains Dhoni's dud bat in South Africa;

7. Finally, Gary Kirsten may believe otherwise but compulsory reading of abridged Kama Sutra is not among the 100 Ways To Win A Cricket Tournament.

WHODUNNIT!

So cricket got its own Ben Johnson. Of course this is not the first time. Remember how we had to digest a World Cup sans Shane Warne? And a Champions Trophy without Shoaib Akhtar and Mohd Asif?

But then what’s World Cup or Champions Trophy vis-à-vis IPL? These are mere bagatelles, compared to the blockbuster that IPL is -- a veritable cricket Olympic with a slightly altered view on its frequency. Industrial baron Lalit Modi is cricket’s answer to Baron de Coubertin.

While IPL fountainheads are yet to lay all the cards on the table, the million dollar question is whose sample proved positive? Doosra looks at the options.

1. Shane Warne: Sick and tired of dal-bati-churma, Rajasthan’s Most Famous Son (he beat Greg Chappell in a photo finish) sent an SOS-SMS from his legendary cell phone (which has scalped as many victims, especially plump English nurses, as the spinner himself) to cricket’s second most famous mother (after Jane Boycott). Soon flew in a Qantas-load of baked beans and a familiar jar. Well, the Australian’s doting German mother thought his son was through with international cricket, so why care? After all, mom’s love knows no bound, WADA or not.

2. Shoaib Akhtar: Well, how else you expect a thirtysomething pacer to react after he is slapped a five-year ban? The ban simply left him fuming and smoking. The fault anyway lies with the appellate tribunal which still contrived a way to allow him grace the IPL when he was least expecting it.

3. PCB Appellate Tribunal Members: Even Shoaib Akhtar vouches they hardly looked in their senses when they waved the green signal for the Rawalpindi Express to chug into IPL.

4. Vijay Mallya: Even the cruellest of hearts would admit that the thrashing which the Bangalore Royal Challengers were receiving with an alarming regularity was reason enough to escape from harsh realities and hallucinate .

5. Lalit Modi: Mr Mint-in-Suit, are you sure it's not yours? After all, old habits, they say, die hard.

Men in Blue: Unpaid, under-performed?

Maybe here you have the real reason behind Team India’s string of flop shows starting with the Champions Trophy and culminating – hopefully -- in the World Cup.

According to reports, the outrageously cash-rich BCCI, the richest cricket body under the sun, has not paid its players for the last seven months!

A high-handed BCCI has reduced cricket to an unorganized sector in the country, not allowing unions and arbitrary deciding fate of the players . The board simply doesn’t accept the existence of the Indian Cricket Players` Association, even though ICPA too has its share of blame. Envious of the players’ earnings, board officials make snide off-the-record remarks, plant stories in the media and harangue about performance-based payments.

Consider this. The Men in Blue remains unpaid since last year’s Champions trophy. Since then, they have toured South Africa, hosted Sri Lanka and West Indies before travelling to the Caribbeans for the world Cup, all unpaid.

Its overflowing coffers notwithstanding, BCCI has been an Uncle Scrooge when it came to making payment. And this was not the only occasion.

Andrew Leipus, the team’s former physiotherapist, was not paid for the last five months of his tenure, while the affable John Wright remained unpaid for seven months in 2004. BCCI took almost a year to pay the Rs 50 lakh bonus to Team India after their series win in Pakistan.

And this is after BCCI pocketed $612 million selling TV rights for next four years, adding to its annual income of $300 million dollar.

As usual, BCCI downplayed the issue and its publicity-hungry Vice President Rajiv Shukla said, “The payments were not made because the contracts were not ready. Once the contracts are signed, everything will be cleared. This is not a problem at all.”

Senior cricketers are fuming but the World Cup debacle and the Board’s gag order has forced them to maintain the mum.

The Prince departs...

First an admission. I belong to that tribe, which would go to their grave, whining Brian Lara did not get the team he deserved. It was more than evident once again in his final ODI yesterday.

First Marlon Samuels committed the heinous crime of getting Lara run out in his last appearance (In hindsight, probably this was only fair because no bowler was good enough to get Lara’s prized wicket). Then their brain-dead bowlers denied a decent farewell to their captain by hemorrhaging runs and failing to defend an imposing total of 300.

Conned into believing in an improbable West Indies win, I was readying to forgive Gayle.

For those who saw him in the ICC Champions Trophy, the Gayle we saw in the World Cup looked like an imposter, a look-alike at best. In Champions Trophy, he seemed capable of batting blindfolded. In World Cup, even blindfolded bowlers could beat his bat.

If well begun is half done, West Indies lost half the battle every time Gayle failed. And Gayle was incredibly consistent at that. He never realised the worth of putting a premium to his wicket, nor did it sink in him that his off-spinners in the Caribbean conditions could prove as stifling as the hanging ropes. But again, I was ready to forgive him as Gayle sought his redemption yesterday.

Gayle's apparently got his timing wrong to show that he still can bat. After all, the semifinal door had been slammed on West Indian faces. More importantly, we wanted to see Lara and see him sizzle in his swansong. So every time Gayle hit a four or a six, the crowd just purred in indignation at the distraction. “Can we have the real action please?”, asked the choc-a-bloc Kensington Oval (when last did you see a full house in a World up match?).

Subsequently Lara came and went in a span of 17 balls. Since he took to the field to his haring up the stairs before vanishing behind the dressing room, the man seemed greater than the game itself.

Samuels' one banality sent moans across the boisterous stadium. He must have prayed there was no ground beneath his feet so that he could hide somewhere. The dismissal will surely haunt the poor guy for some time.

But along with Gayle, I was ready to pardon him as well. For like Gayle -- Smith too -- Samuels also struck a half century to ensure a decent farewell for his captain.

We sincerely prayed for a West Indies win yesterday. Lara did not deserve to go a defeated man, for he has been an out and out success story, throughout. Even when his side lost, he managed to win. Let down by a team of perpetual pretenders and abysmally ill-equipped dressing-roomies, Lara excelled not because of the team but in spite of it. But again his team let him down, for one last time.

It's easy to dub him a loner and dump him but great minds tend to go into a self-created cocoon to protect their genius from mediocrity and we should not have problem with that.

An enigma? a selfish giant? a loner genius? call him what may wish, cricket just got pauper yesterday.