Roaring of the Pariah

Only those with a boulder for a heart would grudge Pakistan's T20 triumph. Let's admit, no other team needed it more.

For a nation where an entire generation is growing up inhaling air thick with gunpowder and switching on the TV only to be told where the last bomb had gone off, finally there is something to cheer about.

Despite all the pretensions, cricket can't heal the gaping wounds that terror inflicts daily on Pakistan's soul. But at least it can apply some balm and that's no mean achievement for any sport.

And it was sort of poetic justice that two terror-ravaged teams reached the T20 final, thus allowing their terrorised populace a fortnight long escape from reality.

Sangakkara, take a bow. Sri Lanka has been a jewel in cricket's crown but let's admit, Pakistan deserved it.

Who can grudge Younus Khan? A plain-speaking Pathan who is perhaps the biggest critic of his own brand of reluctant leadership. And still you had people who don't like him because he smiles even in defeat!

Shahid Afridi may not wield the most aesthetic willow but who can deny that he is an entertainer extraordinaire? It's players like him who bring people to ground and keep the game alive.

Unless Pakistan won it, how would you know that Abdul Razzaq is far better a player to waste his time plying trade in an irrelevant jambooree -- unseen, unsung.

Who grudges Misbah in his redemption? The albatross is finally off his neck and those mean jokes would no more ring in his ears.

It's sad that the Pakistani players are often perceived as a bunch of crooks always up some dirty tricks to make the ball behave as if it has a mind of its own. Often they are the butt of ugly commentary box jokes.

Is it just because they don't rattle in English? History witness, the Poms strayed into World Cup finals not once or twice but thrice but never really ran the risk of winning it despite speaking chaste English.

Well done, Pakistan!

Seven T20 World Cup truths

1. Reverse colonialism has hit England. How else you explain Collingwood and party getting booed in their own country!

2. You thought MS Dhoni is responsible for India’s failed T20 World Cup campaign only. Students from a Sikkim school have just served an eye-opener. MSD is apparently no less hazardous to Mother Earth than CFC;

3. Younis Khan is the lone cricketer with the distinction of having an X rated smile which threatens to incur censorship;

4. All these talk about Sehwag’s Grade I tear is bulls**t. In fact Pigeons**t, to be precise. Sehwag had a Pigeon perched on his shoulder right throughout IPL II and sources reveal its poisonous drop infected his shoulder;

5. Smart florists in Ranchi have started stacking their shop with effigies as well since either of the two is always in demand;

6. West Indies had plans to use Shivnarine Chanderpaul as opener in Twenty20 World Cup but it did not materialize since painting those eye-patches is a time-consuming exercise and ICC steadfastly refuses to keep play on hold till Lord Shiv is through with his war paint;

7. Doosra can safely reveal that England bowling coach Otis Gibson had sought tips from bar owners in India who told him that it's impossible to stop the Indian bats from going berserk unless you have enough bouncers. Gibson got the message and the rest, as they say, is geography...err I mean history.

The Seven...hic...Samurai

Let's give the dude his due. Andrew Symonds is a blogger's delight. An English-born Australian cricketer with West Indian roots with follies of all three ethnicities stuffed inside the 1.87m frame.

Now beat that.

So much so that I don’t mind trading Sachin Tendulkar for Symonds.

Come on, Tendulkar can’t be a debater’s delight. He evokes awe, not argument. He is too polite to polarize and I’ve always been intrigued more by the horn of the devil than the halo of the saint.

Once again, Symonds provided me the fodder for thought and here goes a list of seven cricketers who, I suspect, could have been wine bottle labels in their previous birth.

1. Andrew Symonds: The undisputed Baron of Booze, the Lord of Liquor, the al-Khalifa of al-cohol. There was not a rehab strong enough to bottle up his high spirit;

2. David Boon: His incredible feat of guzzling 52 cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London is still intact. Pity that Symonds had to go when Boon is part of Australia’s selection panel. Smacks of lack of fellow-feeling somewhere.

3. Andrew Flintoff: Cork high and bottle deep, Flintoff discovered the alcoholic properties of the Caribbean Sea during 2007 World Cup and was about to drain it before sentries came to the sea’s rescue and an environmental disaster was averted.

4. Jesse Ryder: A firm believer that Bacchus airdropped him on dry earth with a specific purpose. Takes the opener’s job seriously even outside the field. Royal Challengers stats suggest no one opened more cans and bottles than Ryder in IPL II.

5. Herschelle Gibbs: Another rehab-proof alcoholic. One of his neighbours once refused his offer to donate blood fearing it might make him tipsy.

6. Praveen Kumar: Proudly carrying the tri-colour. To his credit, he doesn’t get into drunken brawl unless the other guy is a doctor.

7. Yuvraj Singh: When intoxicated, has a peculiar penchant of attacking his namesake, a tendency that can be traced to the sheer self-detest cemented in his subconscious.

Pix

I suspect that...

1. Alastair Cook and RP Singh endorse different mascara brands;

2. Pakistan Cricket Board has assured itself of the inaugural Gandhi Truth Award by revealing the minutiae of exactly what is keeping Shoaib Akhtar out of action these days;

3. When Lalit Modi mooted the two-IPLs-a-year theory, the scary thought fleeting through Glenn McGrath’s mind was that either his bum or the bench he is assigned to warm would invariably catch fire;

4. Sourav Ganguly is betting considerable money on Mashrafe Mortaza hurling three beamers on the trot at Brendon McCullum’s head at some stage in the T20 World Cup;

5. The only way to make Rohit Sharma click as a Team India player is to allow him wear a Deccan Chargers jersey inside;

6. Ventriloquism may seem as relevant to cricket as Paris Hilton is to rocket science but it might actually do the trick for MS Dhoni. History witness, Warne’s voice brings out the best in a Yusuf Pathan and Gilchrist’s words have magic on Rohit;

7. The recent attacks on the Indians in Australia is essentially a backlash of Harbhajan Singh’s highly misinterpreted invocation of Andrew Symonds’ mother in the infamous Monkeygate episode. Incidentally, Harbhajan’s nephew was recently killed by a taxi driver in Melbourne.

The IPL animal farm and an African safari

Lalit Modi visited the Kruger National Park. Big deal. I visited the Rhino and Lion Nature Reserve, roughly 40 km north-west of Johannesburg, more or less at the same time. And like him, I returned to tell the tale.

Modi had the chutzpah to post the vlog (video blog, for the uninitiated) of his African safari on the official IPL website! A lesser freeloader, I’ve got a blog of my own for that.

Cutting out the crap, IPL was the recurring theme in my mind during my African safari, and even when I was roaming around in the streets of Johannesburg, armed with my camera.

My skills, or rather lack of it, with the camera may not give even a Chunky Pandey, let alone Mike Pandey, a good run for money but if Modi doesn't care, so do I.



Pix 1: Sheepskin Sleepers at J’burg flea market. Shopkeepers vouched supply was directly proportional to the KKR fleecing in IPL.



Pix 2: A foodstall banner outside Wanderers taken way too seriously by some batsmen.



Pix 3: Where Jesse Ryder would invariably be spotted banging his head against wall, demanding extension of the happy hours.



Pix 4. Scientific evidence of how KKR inaction...KKR in action, I meant...can be the answer to insomnia.



Pix 5. Kishen Kanhaiya of Fake IPL Player fame. My guide gave this startling piece of information that male Ostrich's thigh turns pink when it's ready for mating. Quite a sensible thing. Since it allows she-Ostriches to either steer clear or get close to the male. A similar system in human society would have been handy. Indeed, the human superiority blabbering is nothing but vainglory.



Pix 6. Rhino Dada. You need a hide like his to cop so much of humiliation and still hang around.

Finally a video. May look like the future of some of the IPL franchisee owners but actually Zulu dancers!

Brace for the virtual pandemonium!

When BCC! members come together, miracle happens.

Geometrically speaking, it’s the diagonally opposite case of Shah Rukh Khan, Sourav Ganguly and John Buchanan coming together, when it needs miracle to make things happen.

As the race for the ugly trophy enters the last leg, the crème-de-la-crème of cricket blogosphere – and that naturally excludes yours truly – would go into a virtual huddle to give the Sambit Bals and Arun Lals a good run for their money.

So the Ankits, the Siamese twins from Mumbai, would pitch in, shoulder-to-virtual shoulder with Gaurav. And when I say Gaurav, I’m not necessarily alluding to the anorexic ape jumping up and down at the Sony Max studio.

John would be on hand and to clear the air, he has a surname which is not Buchanan. Ottayan, Achettup and Raja too would be lurking around in the corner but mind you, they can’t be cornered easily.

Pankaj would be insisting that his points are straight, while Nikhil, battered and bruised by Gilchrist’s semifinal knock, would moan about Jatman’s demise.

Q would be in the queue as well, exporting loads of T20 fundas, interrupted by the shy smile that apparently floored a certain Mayanti Langer in the recent past.

So you know, Bored Quickie is the place to be this evening, from 1930 IST to…sorry, can’t really predict the end.

Of KKR’s breach of trust and Centurion vignette

Let's face it. It's virtually like finding your girl friend in your best friend's arms.

How else you describe Kolkata Knight Riders' triumph over Chennai Super Kings?

It was nothing less than a breach of trust, deviation from norms and infringment of acceptable practices.

They don't probably realise the magnitude of the outcome but with this one win against Chennai, KKR shook the trust of its followers, who could not believe they have been sold down the river by the outfit they used to swear by and now swear at.

After all, consistency was not an issue with them, unlike others! It takes a painstaking effort to put together such an amazing string and one such callous win was enough to mar the effort.

Meanwhile, a similar breach of trust takes place at Doosra. I had decided not to post during my stay in South Africa but then like KKR, I guess I’m also entitled to my occasional moment of indiscretion.

So, here I put together a 7-point vignette from the KKR vs CSK match at Centurion.

1. LaxmanSivaRamaKrishnanGodKnowsHowManyMoreGods does the rope reporting from the boundary line. Black troussers, black jacket and well-oiled pitch black mop. He flashes his illuminating smile at someone and it simply takes me to another place. To be exact, I feel I'm inside a mine in Kimberley, struggling to believe my serendipity of discovering an entire string of diamonds embedded on the wall!

2. KKR co-owner Jai Mehta sips his tea in the hospitality area. You tend to sympathise with him. After all, the team didn't give him any champagne moment. One more thing. The poor fish seems to have taken the defeats to heart and is ageing fast. At this rate, and considering KKR’s determination to maintain the standard, or rather lack of it, he would look like Juhi Chawla's father by IPL III.

3. Some of the purists squirm in their grave while those alive go to fly a kite as Dhoni plays a cross-batted straight drive that nearly decapitates Suresh Raina at the non-striker's end. Moral of the story, pushing your skipper to run an extra run poses serious threats to your life and limb.

4. Czarina of foofaraw Mandira Bedi interviews motormouth Srikkanth. Stop giggling, for I find their conversation rather enlightening. I check the net and there is no scientific evidence to suggest that our tongue is anyhow connected to our brain.

5. Just not at his best, Ajantha Mendis bowls in a trance. A sergeant with Sri Lanka army, his mind probably is back home where his colleagues are busy decimating LTTE guerrillas. The other Sri Lankan spinner, however, does well. Prabhakaran is dead and Muralitharan is deadly, realises Ganguly.

6. KKR CEO Joy Bhattacharya and Jai Mehta roam around in the hospitality area. The thoght that gnaws at my vitals is why still the team didn't have much of either joy or jai in IPL II?

7. Dhoni argues with umpire over a free-hit. You realise it’s Chennai’s do-or-die match. Murli Kartik refuses twice to catch Dhoni. You realise it’s KKR’s do-and-die tie.