Martin, eat crow

Provocation often comes from unexpected corners and in this case, Martin Crowe’s observation – Dravid had the 7th best side to work with in IPL – provided the fodder for thought.

Martin prepares a list where he meticulously catalogues what ailed the Bangalore Royal Challengers -- Murphy’s Law, Katrina Kaif’s omnipresence, Nargis (not the actress but the cyclone), soaring oil price, aftermath of China’s earthquake, Arushi Talwar’s assassins, Vikash Yadav, Dawood Ibrahim, Osama, ISI, CIA…

To cut it short, it’s apparently a tsunami—oops forgot to say, that too features in the list -- of reasons that swamped the side in the IPL.

A look at the list and you nod your ahead in appreciation and utter a word. Comprehensive.

Just pray it convinces Vijay Mallya, who is in a foul mood following a fresh USD 5 million jolt after Kimi Raikkonen ended Adrian Sutil’s dream run in Monaco Grand Prix.

Indeed, you can’t blame Mallya for feeling that Martin’s cousin Russell would have done a better job, making gladiators out of the Bangalore players, while adding glitz at the same time. And Russell too was interested in IPL, even though as franchise owner.

Seventh best team to work with Martin? I thought every team started equal and only after the league phases ended that calculators – in their case fingers sufficed – were out, points were tallied and teams were ranked accordingly!

Selective amnesia, Martin?

Flashback May 5 and Martin crowed in this interview “This team is my ideal IPL team.”

May the real Martin come out, please?

He lends shoulder to Dravid and says The Wall had a poor team to start with. But who picked the team in the first place? Mallya said Dravid went ahead with his own list, completely ignoring the players he wanted. And we are yet to hear a denial from Jammy.

Trying to lend a helping hand, Martin only invites more eggs and rotten tomatoes for Dravid.

Dravid maintains IPL has been a learning curve. I guess the lessons include -- why search for foes when you have friends like Martin?

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Of IPL, Gurukul and ballsy tricks

My unflinching scepticism didn’t desert me when perpetrators of the IPL preached it would be a virtual Gurukul where tricks of the trade of the cherry and the blade would change hands, from the battle-hardened bunch to the greenhorn lot.

Ungrateful souls like Cheteshwar Pujara and Ranadeb Bose swear, and swear at, it’s otherwise but IPL has indeed lived up to the Gurukul hype and I’m especially impressed by the guru-shishya parampara in the Deccan Chargers camp.

Guru Gilly has been trying to hard sell his squash-ball trick but few actually heeded to his ballsy theory. Y Venugopal Rao –- so what if he sees a cheap coiffeur -- decided to give it a try and since then, he’s having a ball with the bat and runs haven’t stopped flowing from his blade. The Andhra right-hander is now the team’s third highest run-scorer, just behind his mentor and Rohit Sharma!

Apparently, the trend is spreading like blogging in Bollywood, with Scott Styris too game for such an experiment, even though he plans to do it with a golf ball.

Indian Premier League: Circa 2011 and beyond

I didn’t see CNN’s ‘Talk Asia’ programme which featured IPL ring master Lalit Modi this weekend. For that matter, I haven’t seen any of the episodes, even if that makes me lesser a human. And to be honest, I don’t see myself seeing any of the ‘Talk Asia’ episodes either, of course unless I figure there.

But as a professional hazard, I read the transcript and found that during the course of answering a series of ego-massaging questions, Modi said he envisages two IPL seasons in the same year from the fourth edition onwards.

When not cricket ball, crystal ball gazing is my favourite pastime and allow me take a sneak peak into the future of IPL:

1. Sreesanth will be slapped twice a year and the PDCB (Prabhu Deva in Cricket Boots, for those who came in late) would maintain that Harbhajan is like his elder brother;

2. The contract for Bhajji, assuming he still finds a taker, would replace the mandatory post-match handshakes with a folded-hand namaskar and any deviation from there would incur immediate termination of the same;

3. Meanwhile, all roads would lead to Mohali as players, arms wide spread, would make a beeline for Kings XI Punjab, obviously drawn by the hugly incentives from the franchise owner;

4. Kolkata Knight Riders coach John Buchanan will take the opportunity to publish sequel of his “If Better Is Possible” in the Australian embassy. Shane Warne will once again buy a copy, tear the pages, make a kite and fly it over Sawai Mansingh Stadium;

5. Modi will depose in the Court of Arbitration for Sport, explaining why cheerleaders’ presence cannot be construed a performance-enhancing substance;

6. Darren Berry will stay put in Jaipur to issue travel advisory that India had become a dangerous place to visit since a kid burst two firecrackers somewhere in Mizoram;

7. Vijay Mallya will ask Mike Gascoyne to tutor Bangalore royal Challengers on how to get fast off the block;

8. Grandpa, I mean Glenn McGrath would still look inconsolable after conceding 11 runs off his four overs;

9. Sachin Tendulkar would insist that even though teammate Arjun Tendulkar outscored him, he still has lot of cricket left in him;

10. Shoaib Akhtar would manoeuvre his way to IPL, pointing out the precedence set by the previous appellate tribunal which had spared him for the previous drug offence which incurred him a previous life ban.

Image: Daily Mirror

Kanpur, Ahmedabad in 2010 IPL mix

Purists can go and fly a kite. The Indian Premier League is getting bigger. Come Twenty10…I mean 2010… and Kanpur and Ahmedabad too will be thrown into the IPL mix. Sahara is keen to get the Kanpur franchise, while Anil Ambani’s ADAG is speculated to land the Ahmedabad team.

Here is a sneak peek into the future:

1. Mohd Kaif would be found unconscious in his Noida flat following the announcement that he has been granted Icon status for the Kanpur franchise;
   

2. Luck Ben, as they would call Dame Luck in Gujarat, would smile as much for Parthiv Patel, who’ll be in an altered state of consciousness following a similar Hai Kaun- to-Icon metamorphosis;

3. Kanpur players would dump hi-fives for Sahara Pranaam after every dismissal/boundary.

4. Aishwarya Rai, in that trademark bordered saree, would be Sahara’s Brand Ambassador, with the entire Bachchan clan, and the toady Amar Singh, in tow;

5. Kokilaben Ambani, also in bordered saree, will give Aishwarya tough competition as her Ahmedabad counterpart. Much to the relief of the players, blessing would be doled out instead of flying kisses and hugs.

Welcome to Cricket Inc, and that’s the way out gentlemen

# Australian players yet to see the money they were promised
# Kolkata Knight Riders shows the door to five players
# Royal Challengers Bangalore jettisons Charu Sharma
# Team Mohali asks fringe players to shift to less-opulent hotels

Well, I don’t expect foreign imports to be jolted out of their illusion of a dollar deluge yet. But by now, some of them must have regained enough sense to realize that the Indian Premier League is not exactly the El Dorado.

But to be honest, they are not the only ones who felt the moneybag franchise owners have ankle-deep pockets. So did we. And some of the players clearly saw only the chequebook on one hand of their owner, completely overlooking the whip on the other. Suddenly, quite a handful of them have been driven out of their comfort zone.

Welcome to Cricket Inc. Perform of perish.

Behind her bubbly eyes, Preity Zinta is as much an entrepreneur as her thoroughbred fiancé; beneath the veneer of his charm, Shah Rukh Khan is a fierce salesman who has succeeded in monetizing a dimpled smile; and for the Ambanis and Mallyas – they have been schooled to believe that loss is essentially a four-letter word, which also happens to be the eighth deadly sin.

With IPL reaching its business end, and this is the apt phrase, now it’s clearly showing who’s the boss. With Charu Sharma went out a clear message for Dravid, Kallis, Ponting, Laxman as well as Cheteshwar Pujara and Ranadeb Bose. It’s out and out a cut-throat business proposition. No wonder, Shah Rukh is dealing in flying kisses these days, and Preity in hugs. Mallya apparently doesn’t care a hoot for niceties and Ambani does not think it worth making an appearance in the venues. Wife Nita, no wonder she handles charitable arm of Reliance industries, is representing the family these days.

Well guys, welcome to Cricket Inc. and that is the way out. Thank you very much.

Jayasuriya defies the age-old issue

One more myth lay in tatters as the apocalyptic Indian Premier League chugs on. Once again, the stereotype has been shattered and once more, pre-conceived notions were hit for a six -- 11 sixes to be precise -- at the Wankhede Stadium last night.

Champions of ageism preached Twenty20 is that brash drop-dead lass who woos the old as well but romances only the youth. It’s all about fresh faces, new blood and unabashed exuberance, asserted the modern day Dorian Grays.

But only till an unassuming 38-year-young from a nondescript city in the southern coast of Sri Lanka came to thumb nose at them.

Few player contradict their persona with their performance like Jayasuriya does and last night, the Matara Marauder not only stole the thunder from his illustrious opening partner but also proved that worshipping youth is alright, but the old trickster in him still have an ace or two up his sleeve.

McGrath and Warne have already made their retirement seem a mischief by novice rumour-mongers and now Jayasuriya gatecrashes into the party, which so far had a rude ONLY YOUTH sign hung at the entry.

Like McGrath and Warne, Jayasuriya made the point that it’s not about age but ability, not number but efficacy. Those who ridiculed the creaking bones, ageing legs and thinning thatch better take note. Age is just a number people unnecessary lose sleep about. It’s a matter of the mind, it doesn’t matter if you don’t mind. It’s all about delivering the goods, and especially when you need it most.

Enough of the age rub-a-dub. Let’s make performance the lone common currency.

Image: Cricinfo

Good morning Mr Modi…and hat’s off too

In India, if you are trying to ‘cap’ someone, you are trying to hoodwink him.

“Topi pehna raha hai kya?”

To give devil its due, Lalit Modi is obviously not the first soul on earth trying to act smart but he definitely is taking the art to a new stratosphere.

Now that the IPL is into its last leg (ok, ok, business end), the IPL madcap realizes the folly. Maximum six award, Orange Cap…oops no candy for the leather-flingers? Hastily he comes up with something for the bowler, clearly the second class citizen in this Twenty20 world, and here you have Purple Cap for the bowlers with maximum cumulative wicket against his name.

We have seen over the course of the inaugural season of the DLF Indian Premier League so far that bowlers have just as important a role to play in winning T20 matches as batsmen do.

Thus spake Zarathustra, I mean Modi.

Some would say, better late than never. In this case, I would have loved better never than late. Don’t you think it’s too early for IPL’s next edition, Mr Modi? Well, Rip Van Winkle finally has got some competition here.

It’s not that Modi the Mad Hatter is actually taking his hats off to the bowlers by introducing the Purple Cap. The Purple Cap is just yet another gimmick-rabbit which Modi the magician pulled out of his hat.

And talking of caps, this guy himself wears multiple hats, simultaneously, and talks through each of them when he obliges section of the media (which, I’m sorry to say, approach him hat in hand).

I thought it was Laxmipathy Balaji. But Modi is IPL’s original hat-trick guy.

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