Wednesday, 25 May 2011

7 Reasons Why Tennis Is a Better Sport Than Cricket!

1. Tennis players don't crib about pitches despite made to play on all kind of surfaces;

2. They don't look like offspring of a Michelin Man and a mummy;

3. Women players get equal – in fact more -- attention;

4. Umpires at least get a chair to seat on, are not treated as cloth-hangers and don't have to do funny things with their hands to earn their bread;

5. Players refrain from unhygenic practices, such as applying saliva to the ball;

6. There is no recognised skullduggery called Duckworth-Lewis system to determine the outcome of rain-hit matches;

7. Lalit Modi has no role in it.

(P.S. It's the sight of Maria Sharapova in yellow treading on French Open’s red clay that provoked this post which can alternatively be called Why Tendulkar Attends Wimbledon but Federer Does Not Care About IPL).

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

EXCLUSIVE! How Osama poisoned Pakistan cricket!

That Pakistan cricket is hell-bent on self-destruction does not make the cut for an eyebrow-raiser.

What does is that they had roped in Osama bin Laden to get the job done!

Hear it here first!

Sitting in his Abbottabad abode, the bearded Arab had been poisoning the very fountain of Pakistan cricket by injecting corruption and encouraging chucking.

These New York Times and Daily Mirror reports expose how.

Apparently, whenever a ball was hit into their compound, Osama’s men never allowed the neighbourhood boys to retrieve the cherry.

Instead, they would give them 60 rupees to buy a new ball.

The boys soon turned greedy and would deliberately throw the ball inside the compound.

Osama thus killed two pigs with the same bird by:

1. Encouraging throwing -- that explains the alarming chuckers’ concentration that threatens to turn Pakistan into Chuckistan;

and

2. Sowing the seed of corruption in impressionable young minds, convincing them that there is easy money to be made without actually going through the pain of playing the game.

Monday, 2 May 2011

7 cricketers on Osama bin Laden’s death

1. Sachin Tendulkar: I have a strong stance on this issue. I strongly feel Osama’s death is either good or bad for us. It just can’t be anything else even though we should not rule out other possibilities. If you ask me, I think it’s essentially a relative subject and so Osama’s relatives can better answer it. Osama was apparently staying in a stone hut in Tora Bora. When people throw stone at you, you turn them into milestone. Instead, Osama turned it into a stone hut and I think that tells everything;

2. Rahul Dravid: Who died isn’t important here. One should not think about individuals, team always comes first. What’s important here is a death has taken place which means the global population has just shrunk and the air available for human consumption will be relatively higher. Besides, I think it would allow batsmen to concentrate better. I remember I was batting against Sachin’s son in Mumbai when the Americans were bombing Afghanistan and it greatly affected my concentration. The only time I had a similar problem was in Sydney when a whale rather loudly exhaled in the adjacent Tasman Sea just when I was taking guard;

3. Shahid Afridi: I’m happy like nobody’s business. When I speaked that Indians not having big hearts and we having, people moleculed me…or is it ridiculed? Whoever…Now see which country gave Laden shelter? I feel…I feel… vindictive…the media will now eat dumbbell pie;

4. Anil Kumble: I see beyond Osama’s death and what stirs me is the inequality of the contest. The US Military and the Al Qaeda were fighting and I’m sorry to say only one team was fighting in the true spirit. Our Bangalore Royal Challengers owner Vijay Mallya has naturally taken interest and promised to reduce the spirit deficit;

5. Sourav Ganguly: I’m really aghast. I think Obama is selling us dummy. I’ve been tipping them that bin Laden was masquerading as Greg Chappell but they did not listen. I’m not convinced that bin Laden is dead;

6. Shoaib Akhtar: Dude, America is not like Pakistan. America is in America and unlike Pakistan, there people don’t celebrate when their presidents die. USA losing president like Osama is like Pakistan losing me;

7. Shane Warne: Heard the guy was living with his youngest wife. Got her number mate?

Sunday, 17 April 2011

A Cricket Folktale...Circa 4500 A.D.

Once upton a time, there was a tiny country called Sa-china, inhabited by people called Sa-chinese. A neighbouring Vinod-erland was initially more prosperous before its economy nosedived.

In Sa-china, kids had curly hair, while grown up men practised with harmonium to develop sing-song voice. And they made it a point to marry older girls.

There, anyone taller than 5'5" was sneered at and people opted for euthanasia at 99 since a century often augured disaster for the country.

Most boys went by the names of Himesh, Pritam, Bappi, Annu, Shankar, Ehsan, Loy, Ismail etc because it was manadatory to name kids after music directors.

There, people dialled to say "Aila" and not "Hello". Even the neighbourhood fishmongers accepted a certain credit card and if a customer offered cash, s/he would be admonished: "Visa power, go get it."

There were some schools but no college or university in the country because people were convinced of education's futility.

In fact parents used to garland their kid the day they dropped out of schools, which was generally believed to mark the beginning of their journey to glory.

The country had only mud houses because stones were not available. Whenever they saw a stone, they turned it into a milestone, as their Father of the Nation had once advised them.

There, people used to eat out at Mainland Sa-china, where Sa-chinese dishes were served.

Aged people suffered mainly from tennis elbow and they worked as long as they wished. Retirement talks were not encouraged at all...

Sunday, 10 April 2011

7 World Cup inferences!

I know people who dismiss the Indian cricketers as obscenely overpaid nitwits who should not be allowed to open their mouth except when eating.

But if you can read between the lines they utter, you would be amazed at their unsuspected depth. The word I’m groping for has a cat in it...implications…if you know what I mean.

Sample the seven inferences anyone will draw after listening to them:

1. Yusuf Pathan is Atlas reborn: As Virat Kohli so articulately put, Tendulkar has “carried the burden of the nation” for 21 years and Yusuf Pathan carried Tendulkar in Mumbai. It amounts to, if your arithmetic is alive and kicking, carrying the burden of a nation + 65 kg.

2. Yuvraj Singh has corrected himself: "I think we kissed the World Cup trophy a thousand times".

3. Yuvraj had a bright future as a claymodeller before he took to cricket: "Earlier, whatever I was touching was turning into mud."

4. Praveen Kumar thinks Dhoni is fast losing popularity : "Dhoni is Obama of cricket"

5. Dhoni believes if human mind develops pimple, it should be named after Sreesanth:"If you want to irritate someone that should be the opposition and not your side."

6. Yuvraj thinks there is not much difference between Gambhir and love – both are blind: "I told Gautam: I am not Virender Sehwag, I can't run like that."

7. Dhoni helps a great deal to keep Yuvraj cool: "I am a great fan of Yuvraj."

P.S. A couple of you wanted to know my World Cup experience. I’m afraid the details would only bore most. If you insist, well some of my experiences include being abused by Yuvraj's father over phone for about 10 minutes, holding Geoffrey Boycott's hat in a flight while he jostled with Arun Jaitley's secretary to stow luggage, spilling coffee on Nasser Hussain's shoe in Chennai, listening to Derek Pringle swearing profusely in Hindi in Ahmedabad, nearly tripping Sanjay Manjrekar in Mohali...warned you, it would only bore you.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Afridi's Secret Diary: Shoaib Thinks He's Rajnigandha!

I'm joy like nobody's business. We beated Sri Lanka to win, which is not easy. If you asking me what is the because, it is I'm the captain of a mad team.

If you try to remind, I never like Shoaib Akhtar and I'm not fearful to say that. He speaks Urdu with an American accent!

Last night he powerfully took me to a pub. After drinking 3 glasses, I could understand he had drunk.

"We have to raise the bar," he said and I was real fearful. I told him the bar was big and had so many persons inside, so many furnitures etc. How two of we raise the hole bar? What he thinked of himself? That South Indian hero -- Rajnigandha?

I begged him not to create seen. He said "Ok pal, let's call it a day". I then lost my anger.

"Why should I call it a day when it's being a night? You are drunk or blind in the eye?"

But you have to say Shoaib has worked on fitness. He has become quite a racist, always asking all to race with him. Also doing stretching and jumping. I'm running also but coach said 2011 is not being a leap year so I'm not jumping.

We need Shoaib because Asif and Amir are banned, which is a handicraft for us. Gul bowling well but he is also mad type.

Other day, coach said we should have a cakewalk against Canada. Know what Gul did? He dropped a cake on floor and walked over it and said "Ho gaya sir, cakewalk."

The whole carpet was ugly and I made him wash that!

After that accident, our coach is out of order. He never ordering us anything. Inspite of him, I order now.

Anyway, I have received many wishes from many. I thank all of you from the heart of my bottom. We need your prayer.

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

7 Cricketers and their Favourite Books!

Apparently, George Bernard Shaw -- contrary to rumours he didn’t grandfather Hashim Amla, it’s their common beard that triggered the speculation –- once said his favourite book was his cheque book.

Many suspect the cricketers are no better.

But recently the ICC listed favourite books of some of the cricketers we never suspected of being anything beyond a game-reader.

Well, Dravid probably reads Duckworth-Lewis method at leisure but others?

Doosra compiles a list of possible favourite books of some of our favourite players.

1. Harbhajan Singh: Geetanjali by Tagore. He bought the book under impression that it’s a biography of his actress-friend Geeta Basra.

2. Mohd Asif: Sea of Poppies by Amitav Ghosh.

3. Rahul Dravid: Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. He is looking for tips how to catch all 22 opponents batsmen in a Test.

4. Ramesh Powar: Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson.

5. Kamran Akmal: Jaws by Peter Benchley.

6. Salman Butt: The Trial by Kafka

7. Lalit Modi: A Passage to India by E M Forster. Modi is searching for one.