SCOOP: When Mayawati met Schumacher!

Doosra has doggedly remained a cricket blog despite temptations but I guess one has to make exception in extraordinary circumstances.

So when you realise you’ve chanced upon something that doesn’t fall strictly within cricket’s purview, you have to be flexible.

Presently, Doosra has accessed Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati’s conversation with F1 legend Michael Schumacher on the sidelines of the Indian GP.

What transpired between them is nothing short of sensational with Schumacher vowing not to race in next year’s race if it’s not shifted out of UP.

Schumacher: Hello madam. How do you do.

Mayawati: Hello...oye…how do you mean? Are you from CBI wanting to know how I do it? But if you really want to know, I prefer in black (winks).

Schumacher: I didn’t get you…

Mayawati: Nobody gets me, not even CBI. He he he. Anyway, who are you? Are you one of the drivers?

Schumacher: Yes. I thought everyone knows Schumacher (sulks). I’m Schumacher.

Mayawati: But you just said you are a driver!

Schumacher: Yes. I’m a world famous driver. Everyone knows, except you.

Mayawati: If everyone knows you are a driver then why are you lying?

Schumacher: I didn’t lie.. (Can’t believe what this fatso is blabbering !)

Mayawati: Everyone knows you are a driver and you are telling me you are a show-maker. Isn’t that lie?

Schumacher: Shoe-maker! My foot!

Mayawati: No, my foot. See, if you are a shoe-maker, I think I can offer you a job. You have to make pump shoes for my feet. I love my footwears you know. Once I sent my private jet to bring my favourite slippers from Mumbai and the mediawallahs made such an issue of it.

Schumacher: You are mistaken madam. I’m a driver called Schumacher. My name is Schumacher, Michael Schumacher.

Mayawati: Stop imitating Bond. So what if you are a driver? I need a driver as well. Will you work for me? I’ll pay you good salary and you get a servant’s quarter as well. And there are parks as well.

Schumacher: You mean perks?

Mayawati: No moron, I mean park. Have you seen my giant statues at the Noida Park? If you become my driver, I’ll install one of your statues as well.

Schumacher: But that’s for people of your party and community!

Mayawati: So what? I’ll change your name to shoe-maker and tell everyone that you are a actually a Dalit cobbler.

Schumacher: Good lord! You are incredible!

Mayawati: So you accepting the job?

Schumacher: Well, madam, it would have been a pleasure. But.. you see that lad? He’s Sebastian Vettel and is a much better driver. He was looking for a job anyway.

Mayawati: What he drives?

Schumacher: He drives a Red Bull.

Mayawati: Bull? You really mean bull? Oye, I’m the lord of Uttar Pradesh and you think I ride a bullock cart?

Schumacher: Madam it’s an F1 team called Red Bull and he’s better than me.

Mayawati: Really? Seems wasted my time here. Oye Sebastian, come here...

Indian cricket fraternity reacts to Indian GP

You feel better when you have got it off your chest. So, time to confess the sin. Yes, Doosra was at the inaugural Indian Grand Prix.

Lest you hold it against the blog, let me tell you so were the cricketers.

Once in the F1 paddock, Doosra did just what is expected of it. Doosra spoke to those present, called those absent and even contacted BCCI boss N Srinivasan, who said he was neither present nor absent.

Well, here are the selected responses of the Indian cricket fraternity to the country's first Formula One race.

1. M S Dhoni: Honestly speaking, with a lead like that, Vettel should have declared long ago;

2. Venkatesh Prasad: Well, yeah...ummm… Vettel is overrated, he does not have a slower;

3. BCCI chief N Srinivasan: We strongly condemn the low trick of smuggling DRS into India using F1;

4. Bishan Singh Bedi: Vettel has a suspect action, should be stripped of all points;

5. Sachin Tendulkar: I suggest we cut the 60-lap race into 4 races of 15 laps each;

6. Harbhajan Singh: I would have loved to race here. The track has lot of turns. Especially liked turn 5.

7. Suresh Raina: Vettel is okay but Dhoni is the best captain in the world. Because at the end of the day...Jai Mata Di.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Shoaib’s Autobiology and the Betrial

My heart is bloody and I’m offset like nobody’s business.

Ass you knowing, spot-fixing case is running in London and now I knowing that my team-maids tried to stab me in the rear when I was there captain!

I’m shocking and can’t trust it like nobody’s business. Mark my wards, posterior will not forgive them for this acting of betrial.

God will dip-fry them in boiling oil like nobody’s business and they all will be…what you call it… hell and hurty.

Now I understanding the because of my loosing so much matches. I always thinking of victoring and they always trying to cattle my plans like nobody’s business!

And see my largeness. I steel supported one of those oxymoron -- Shoaib Akhtar. He was a ox in the body and a moron in the head.

It was I who spoke him that Tendulkar was scareful of him. One day before the match, all players were discusing who was the most maddest bowler when Sachin suddenly spoke out of contest and confaced “I’m afraid, it’s Shoaib.”

I acted smartingly and tape-recorded it. Kamran Akmal objected like nobody’s business but I didn’t hear. I took out the fat tape of his tracksuit’s waist and written those words on it.

Tendulkar cannot denial it now. I was the wheatness. And if he steel denies, I’m sorry to speak that he is a lier.

Also late me share a secret. Hair in Pakistan, we all are together jellous of Shoaib like nobody’s business. The because is, he has a autobiology now.

And I can tale you that it is goodly written. I readed three and half line and his comment over language is compressive like nobody’s business.

People say it being ghost-written. I not knowing. Who knows, maybe Sexpear wrote it. Or Ernest Hemmingbird or Samiul Bucket. All of them are writers and all of them being ghosts you know. Alone thing that I not understanding is how he contracted a ghost.

Misssing chapter of Shoaib Akhtar's autobiography: Bradman, Sobers…

As you read in the previous post, Shoaib Akhtar, in the original manuscript of “Controversially Yours”, dismissed WG Grace in 11 paras.

The Pakistani iconoclast took his political incorrectness to another level, devoting just about three-and-half lines for Don Bradman and Gary Sobers each.

According to him, Bradman owes his immortality to a madcap statistician; Sobers’ six sixes off a Malcolm Nash over was fishier than any of those ponds in Poschimbongo; and that Muralitharan was robbed of 13 bona fide scalps by lazy-bum scorers.

He also claims umpire Billy Bowden is not actually an umpire!

For his views on some of cricket’s most compelling characters, read on:

Don Bradman: “Bradman’s test average was actually 9.996 but the record book has it 99.96 because the statistician with a strong sense of aesthetics felt placing the decimal in the middle with two digits on either side looked better.”

Garfield Sobers: “Sobers’ six sixes was the first instance of computer generated imagery, used subsequently in making movies like Jurassic Park and The Terminator”;

Jim Laker: “Laker's 19 wickets in the 1956 Old Trafford test included 5 that Tony Lock took but couldn't be credited for because the box next to Lock’s name in the scoresheet had been smudged by an inadvertent ink-drop from the leaking pen of the absent-minded scorer”.

Muttiah Muralitharan: “Murali actually took 813 wickets but 13 of them were awarded to Vaas by lazy scorers once they realised writing VAAS takes 1/3rd time of writing MURALITHARAN”;

Billy Bowden: “Bowden is actually contortonist umpiring under duress since Sharad Pawar has kidnapped his family”.

Missing chapter of Shoaib Akhtar's autobiography: WG Grace.

Not many know that the manuscript of Shoaib Akhtar’s autobiography “Controversially Yours” contained chapters in which the “Rawalpindi Express” offered radical views on most of cricket’s greatest names, except Ajit Agarkar.

Libel-weary publishers, with business to run and family to feed, naturally refused to publish them, making sure they do not see the light of the day.

Until Doosra accessed them, of course.

Here goes the first installment in which Shoaib assesses WG Grace.

“I can’t believe they called him father of modern cricket. Father! My number 14 foot!

No hanky-panky. Let me make it clear what I think of that big, fat chump. He looks an obese ass with enough fat to run a soap factory.

Frankly speaking, I think he was dead-scared of my pace and decided to play in another era. Such a coward!

Even though he scored heavily against Joey Palmer in his debut test, I tell you his legs were trembling. Of course I was not there in that 1880 test but Shahid Afridi, who remains 21, says he himself saw them trembling.

Like most of us, Grace used to blatantly tamper the ball. I got to know he was called ‘Doctor’. I guess because he used to doctor the ball. And people have problems only when we do it. It’s a mean world, buddy.

No dramas. I think Grace was a slimy fatso. He filled English cricket with his brothers, sons and even nephews. If this is not nepotism then I’d like to know what is.

Man, have you seen his photo? Awful, man. Inzy bhai will look like him 20 years later.

Seems the guy never went to gym. Six packs? He had six sacks. If you have a good knife and you know how to do it, you can carve six cricketers out of him. Such a waste of space.

His beard was against the spirit of the game. I’m surprised ICC or whatever it was in those days didn’t ban it. It was a deliberate ploy to shield the stumps and confuse the bowlers. Disgusting!

People called him Grace. I call him Disgrace.

I know most of you won’t believe me. I know necromancy and I've challenged him to face me. I don't trust Lalit Modi. Fortunately, Kerry Packer wrote on my Ouija board that he would sponsor the event. Will keep you posted. Take care."

7 Signs That Tell Us All's Not Well With Cricket

1. Inzamam-ul-Haq opens a shop in Dubai to sell meat when his future lies in selling jacket potatoes;

2. Saurabh Tiwary blames TV cameras for making him look fat when he actually is not;

3. Rahul Dravid hits three consecutive sixes in a T20 match and still can look at himself in the mirror;

4. For the first time in his life, Sachin Tendulkar writes anything other than a bank deposit form but ICC rejects his radical ODI format proposal. (Wife Anjali just confirmed to Doosra he never wrote a love letter);

5. New BCCI regime is not tried under India's anti-poaching law despite eliminating Kochi Tuskers;

6. Mukesh Bhatt not making a sequel to "Mera Naam Joker" with Mohinder Amarnath in lead;

7. India U-19 captain Ankit Bawne axed on the flimsiest ground. Apparently the poor boy has two different dates of birth -- one in BCCI database and another in his passport. Now even the British queen celebrates her birthday twice every year and they still have persisted with the old fossil. Why single out Bawne?

Concussed Gambhir fails memory test!

Hear it here first!

The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.

The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!

Here is what happened there:

Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!

GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?

Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.

GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.

Doctor: You are Gautam..

GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.

Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.

GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.

Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?

GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.

Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?

GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.

Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?

GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.

Doctor: Pietersen!

GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.

Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?

GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".

Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!

GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?

Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?

GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.

Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.

GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.

Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?

GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…

Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?

GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...

Doctor: ...all coming back to you, isn't it?