10 Indian state/cities and their ideal names

For reasons known only perhaps to Azam Khan's buffalos, Doosra was not consulted when names for Indian cities/states were decided.

As expected, they did a job more botched-up than Anushka Sharma's lips.

Below are 10 places and ideally what should have been their names:

1. Punjab = Sikhim.

2. Kolkata = Bhaatinda. Or Machhlipatnam.

3. Patna = Gutkhaland.

4. Post-AAP Delhi = Jhadukhand.

5. Kerala = KathMundu.

6. NCR = Okhlahoma. Home to Okhla that is.

7. Kanyakumari = Virginia.

8. Hailakandi = Alaska.

9. Haryana = Khapenhagen.

10. Assam = Rhinoam. Or Teabet. Or Chaina.

7 Possible Reasons Why England Axed Pietersen

It cannot be just a coincidence that England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) decided to get rid of Kevin Pietersen in the same week that saw Azam Khan’s buffalos disappear and reappear under mysterious circumstances.

Neither Azam Khan nor ECB could offer convincing reasons behind the extraordinary circumstances that led to the disappearance/sacking of the sacred cows.

While Doosra cannot pinpoint the exact reasons behind Pietersen’s shock sacking, here are seven possibilities that may have forced ECB’s hand:

1. KP was caught red-handed stealing Alastair Cook's mascara;

2. KP's exciting shot-making was proving a bad influence on the impressionable young minds in a country determined to practise and perfect a brand of batsmanship that can cure insomnia;

3. KP was found to have replaced Andy Flower's shampoo with a mild pesticide and when caught, offered this bizarre explanation: "This is a standard horticulture remedy for any pest-ridden Flower."

4. His IPL earning was embarrassing UK's GDP;

5. KP was a divisive figure even at the breakfast table. While others asked for bacon and egg, he insisted on egg and bacon. It only proves KP never really embraced English culture;

6. KP winning matches single-handedly was a blatant act of defiance and gross violation of what is essentially a team game invented by the British;

7. KP often behaved as if he were KP.

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Afridi's Secret Diary: Back After A Whale

I'm returning back after a whale. Was busy like nobody's business and losted this dairy which I thinked our family goat have eated. I'm joy it's alive and I can right again. The goat is not aliving though, we eated the testy animal.

Many things happened in the last some months of the past. In the first in cricket, Sachin Tendulkar is no more. (My girl daughter telling me 'no more' is uncorrect. It should be "no more playing cricket". This kids. They may be little in age but you teach so much from them. Kids are like kidneys, be there caretaker).

Ok, Tendulkar being retired. But he doing it only once and I done it so many times that you need toes also to count. Some times I am not knowing weather I am playing or retiring. At list in one field, I'm before of Tendulkar like nobody's business.

People say cricket will be pour without Sachin. Same time, he will be pour without cricket. Arrey, he not getting match fees and advertisemens like olden days.

In other hand, Australia win Ashes like nobody's business. I not unaccepted it. I thinked England having good form and Australia having very little good form.

Mitchell Johnson bowled liked nobody's business. He wanting like keeling England's batsmans. And that intimating mousetouch! Waise I too having mousetouch. I not saving daily. Not because I wanting to shave money. I wanting to keep a stable which pupil think is cold. (Girl daughter telling me it's not 'cold' but 'cool'. Read it cool, ok? He will be happy. Kids are like kidneys, make those happy)

Also in the middle time, Imran Khan lossed election. It was bad. Wins and losses are part of cricket. But not in politics. Their you are a looser if you loose. But I like him like nobody's business. And he is still being free, dislike Musharraf who can anytime go jail which is either good or bad.

No more righting today. Wish all my fans a pieceful happy new year.

"...And miles to go before I sleep" and 7 variations

"...And miles to go before I sleep"

Now why on earth Robert Frost felt it necessary to share his sleeping habits with us is something we'd never know but as luck would have it, the seven-word-sentence mentioned above happens to be one of the most quoted lines of poetry.

Below are the seven variations of the line from Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening":

1. Miles to go before I sleep ~ Kumbhakarna.

2. Miles to go before eye-to-eye sleep ~ Tahir Shah

3. Inches to go before I sleep ~ HD Deve Gowda

4. Smiles to go before I sleep ~ Navjot Sidhu

5. Kilometres to go before I sleep ~ Staunch metric system supporter

6. Miles to go before iSleep ~ Apple generation

7. Frequent flier miles to go before I sleep ~ Pratibha Patil

Seven 'Sholay 3D' Twists

Tarun Tejpal always wanted to be a journalist but on Friday, he wished he were Sholay 3D.

At least Sholay 3D was released.

Doosra has reliably learnt the film is not completely old wine in new bottle. Apparently, the makers of the film have made a few changes to the original script to prevent boredom and the seven major tweaks are:-

1. Tutored by Viru, Basanti wins women's 50m pistol gold at 2016 Rio Olympics.

2. Hema Malini convinces Gabbar Singh to buy a Kent water purifier.

3. Sanjay Dutt makes a brief appearance, freed on parole so that he can come and console a bereaved Thakur whose family Gabbar has wiped out.

4. Serial tobacco-chewer Gabbar Singh dies of oral cancer, sparing 24-year-old Mukesh a gruesome death from the same at the film's interval.

5. Hugely impressed by Arnab Goswami, Gabbar Singh rephrases his iconic query: "The nation wants to know, kitney aadmi the?"

6. Imam's son Ahmed Mian finds employment under NREGA scheme and doesn't have to leave for city and get killed by Gabbar's men on his way.

7. A.K. Hangal asks "Itna sannata kyun hai bhai" and is promptly reminded that he had strayed into a Titan showroom and the correct pronunciation is "Sonata".

Doosra Annual Awards 2013

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Awards Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, here are the annual gongs:

1. Innocent Lambs of The Year: Mumbai Police. Entire world, and some even in Mars, knows who was driving the Aston Martin, except Mumbai cops.

2. Friendly Politician of the Year: Narendra Modi. "Mitron..."

3. Political Astronomer of the Year: Rahul Gandhi. For suggesting Dalits need Jupiter's escape velocity to escape from Mayawati's clutch and succeed.

4. Pontificating Ponytail of the Year: Tarun Tejpal. He recused himself from the award ceremony, preferring prolonged laceration instead in a Goa jail.

5. Padma Bibhishan: Preet Bahara. The alacrity with which he handled the Devyani Khobragde case will give inferiority complex even to the younger sibling of the Lanka king from Ramayan.

6. Larynx of the Nation: Arnab Goswami. NASA has confirmed his is the only human voice audible even from outer world.

7. Sulabh Irrigation Idea of the Year: Ajit Pawar. For this radical suggestion of filling empty dams.

8. Jai Mata Di Scientist of the Year: ISRO chief K Radhakrishnan. For visiting Balaji temple to seek blessing for India’s Mars orbiter.

9. Retiree of the Year: Sorry to disappoint Sachin Tendulkar fans, it’s Uday Chopra. His decision to quit acting has plunged Pluto into great depression while his female fans in Mars, unable to bear the truth, refused breakfast.

10. Indian Domestic Help Association's Shiney Ahuja Medal: Devyani Khobragade for her treatment of Sangeeta Richard.

11. Bollywood Parole Model of the Year: Sanjay Dutt, for flying in and out of jail as and when he wishes.

12. Pathetic Pinocchio of the Year: Akhilesh Yadav, for presiding over UP riots and showing Nero's sensitivity when Rome burnt.

13. Ideal Father-in-law of the Year: N Srinivasan, for protecting G Meiyappan with the kind of ferocity that has set the bar higher for all pa-in-laws under the sun.

14. National Beans Spiller: Karan Johar. Latest data suggest more people consumed coffee at ‘Koffee With Karan’ than in CCD and Costa Café put together.

15. Goldie Bail Medal: Baba Ramdev’s Patanjali Yogpeeth which found gold in cow urine. Bappi Lahiri regrets buying 400 cows in hurry and is apparently planning to sue Ramdev for misleading gullible public.

Sachin Tendulkar's 7 Abject Failures

If you want nausea-inducing Tendulkar hagiography, mainstream media is the place to be.

Even as a teary-eyed nation prepares for the farewell match of her favourite son, Doosra has not lost perspective. Leaving the easy eulogy part to others, Doosra gleans seven conspicuous failures of Tendulkar's otherwise glittering cricket career:

1. Never made it to the Delhi University cut-off list, handicapped primarily by the fact that he is not a Delhiite;

2. Not known to have succeeded in buying a tatkal ticket from IRCTC website, despite his short back-lift and flawless follow-through;

3. Could not find a quality hair transplant for chum Vinod Kambli;

4. Failed to convince Swami Agnivesh to drink Livpure water;

5. Could not find a girl for buddy Rahul Gandhi;

6. Never cleared his position on issues including but not confined to - euthanasia, bifurcation of AP and the prolonged bachelorhood of Salman Khan;

7. Never endorsed an edible machine gun which doubles up as a folding bicyle.