7 Reasons why China Will Do Well in Cricket

1. First and foremost, they would have the largest gathering of Chinaman bowlers, beat that!

2. Javed Miandad has been teaching them cricket ethics and spirit of the game;

3. China possess a wall more impregnable than Rahul Dravid;

4. Ages of ping-pong practice means even their No. 11 batter would have the sharp hand-eye coordination of a Sehwag;

5. The outside world would have to depend solely on Xinhua for results, which effectively means the world would know only what the on-duty Xinhua editor wants it to know;

6. Cheap Chinese products would be a serious distraction for tourists, especially when fielding. Plans are afoot to set up boundary line kiosks in all major stadiums;

7. I have been to Beijing Olympics and can tell you that China can both prevent and make rain. So while a Dhoni or a Ponting, at best, can pray for rain, their Chinese counterpart would have access to a technology which would be handy on the fifth day of a precarious Test.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Sleeveless Nights!

If you ask me, I'm confucius. Three months in front of World Cup and I the captain can admit I'm having sleeveless nights like nobody's business.

The team having a head (which is I) but no butt...because salman butt is suspended. And I missing kamran akmal like nobody's business.

kamran is a key player. Late me tell you why. Once my hotel room was locked and he opened it with his tooth!

I don't wanting to talk about asif. One day, in my front, he questioned a pitch curator "You got grass there?". asif...I mean as if I don't know what grass meaning!

The hole team in a mesh. One day younus is captain, another one day yusuf and another one day misbah.

You will not believing me but one day in the nets, azhar ali was talking lonely. I thought he had becomed mad. Know what he was telling? "It was a team effort...boys played well...we played as unit…"

I asked him, what matter was and he said, "Shahid Bhai, who knows, maybe I'll be the captain tomorrow."

Think! Yesterday's kid wanting to be captain tomorrow! This new generation...so amphibious!

But his saying have truth. Nobody knowing who becoming captain yesterday....or is it tomorrow? whoever...

All bad thoughts eating me and I'm loosing piece of mind. Time to stop writing, it's getting darky...another sleeveless night.

Brisbane Report Card for Aussie Bowlers

Can't really blame you if you missed it. The boffins have just revised the Edentata order -- that exclusive club of toothless animals -- adding Australian bowling to the list.

Had a dead earthworm watched them in Brisbane -- provided dead earthworms can watch and are welcome in Brisbane -- it would have gone home with the conviction that it had more venom than the Aussie attack.

Here is the Doosra report card:

1. Peter Siddle: The first innings hat-trick hero bowled as if England had fielded a different XI in the second. At one point, seemed like scratching Alastair Cook to make sure he wasn't limewashed Lara with a mascara;

2. Mitchell Johnson: Bowled like a man who was doing it only to please his Karateka girlfriend but was not liking offending a resenting mother;

3. Ben Hilfenhaus: Was asked to bowl only because Ponting resented him trousering the envelop without breaking a sweat;

4. Xavier Doherty: Peddled crap, as if bowling to himself;

5. Marcus North: Lacked direction beyond that surname.

6. Shane Watson: Bowled with the air of a man who had fixed a deal with the guy upstairs and was told to just release the ball, leaving rest to Him.

If you wondered why KP plays like a blind...

Bhajji on Doosra!

Doosra: So, what happened Bhajji?

Bhajji: Lost a coin, lift your leg moron, maybe you are standing on it.

Doosra: I'm not. Bhajji, I mean what happened that suddenly you started playing like a frontline batsman and struck back-to-back centuries?

Bhajji: Oye, interview started and you didn't tell me you X*&%$#@!...Well, I’m rather sad after those centuries.

Doosra: Sad!

Bhajji: With my talent, I should have scored 13,999 runs by now, just behind Tendulkar. He’s the God you know...Let me tell you, that Batman wasn’t worthy of tying Paaji’s pajama.

Doosra: It’s Bradman.

Bhajji: You kidding! I read in the newspaper – he’s Batman and Robin Singh was his teammate.

Doosra: That’s because you got stuck in the comic strip and did not advance to the sports page. By the way, it’s just Robin and not Robin Singh…

Bhajji: Who cares? And who the hell Batman is compared to Paaji?

Doosra: Bradman...

Bhajji: Why fuss? Have whatever you like! But did he play in IPL? No? You know what James Bond once said? "What he knows of cricket who not IPL knows?"

Doosra: That's CLR James and the actual quote is...anyway, leave it....Against New Zealand you batted so comfortably, the ball must have looked as big as a football?

Bhajji: No fathead, the ball looked like Sreesanth’s cheek and I went slapping (chuckles). But Sree is like a younger bro.

Doosra: We notice you keep it saying these days, ‘Sree like a young bro’. Is it because you don’t have one?

Bhajji: No dumbo, it’s because I think Sree should be as non-existent as my young bro.

Doosra: But your bowling has slipped. Even Ojha is taking more wickets.

Bhajji: You don’t understand, youngsters need encouragement.

Doosra: You mean you deliberately allowed him to hog the limelight?

Bhajji: What else? Besides, now I'm in the team purely as a Bradman.

Doosra : Batman...I mean batsman?

Bhajji: Whatever. Can't keep blabbering with you anymore, I'm a busy man, have to rush. By the way, you sure it's Bradman and not Batman?

A stroll down Critic Street

It was one hell of an experience Doosra can't help but share with readers.

Thinking of this and that, one strayed into an unknown territory and before you know what is what, you are staring at a signboard which tells you have hit the 'Critic Street'.

Flesh creeps as one relates the story.

Before one could separate one’s knotted eyebrows, someone rammed into the midriff and said 'Sorry'.

Looking up, one had this guy who looked perfect from all angles, except his right hand, which lacked the index finger.

For some, maybe five is one too many and you cannot hold it against him. Boris Yeltsin had three on his left hand, Jerry Garcia had four-and-half on his right. Hrithik Roshan provides the contrasting splurge with his six on the right.

So one asked if he would mind telling the story of his missing finger.

"I'm a Harbhajan critic and had just pointed out his poor performance," he said.

He had just finished when one actually heard Harbhajan screaming from behind the clouds:

"I will cut off those fingers!"

Now oracles can be very disturbing. It sort of unnerves you, somehow affecting the coordination among faculties and limbs.

Naturally it was some sort of comfort finding the next guy fully endowed with no part of his well-rounded body gone AWOL.

But before one could engage him in a discussion, he suddenly started his impersonation of a petulant dog, letting out a series of high decibel barks.

"I'm a Sehwag critic," he said. Off went an oracle:

"Jab haathi chalta hai toh bahut saare Janwar bhaungkte hai. the elephant keeps walking ignoring them. That is exactly how I like to deal with my critics."

Meeting the next bird sort of calmed one's frazzled nerves. He had his fingers intact and even better, he did not bark. Only thing that annoyed me is his habit of abruptly suspending discussion, stooping to pick a pebble and throw it.

At one stage, one had to ask him if he would mind saying why he keeps doing that.

"I'm a Tendulkar critic," he said.

And soon a sing-song voice screamed from the sky:

"...people sometimes throw stones and you convert them into milestones."

I tore myself away and kept going till I saw someone, squatting on the ground and leafing through reams of pages of diagrams and speedgun reports.

"Sorry, don't have time for pleasantries. I'm an Irfan Pathan critic, busy figuring out whether he was an express bowler ever."

Oracle: "Critics should understand I was never an express bowler."

SCOOP: International Cricket-Stricken Animals’ Conclave

While the chumps in the mainstream media sedulously twiddled their thumbs in the comfort of their air-conditioned offices, Doosra risked life to get you an exclusive.

An agitated herd of angry animals recently had a clandestine meeting where they blasted cricket and cricketers for making their life miserable.

Here are exclusive excerpts from the Inaugural International Cricket-Stricken Animals' Conclave:

1. Crocodile (S Africa): Guys, as you all know, one can't ignore hygiene these days. After you had a sumptuous deer for lunch, all you want is to muse open-mouthed, while those birds clean your teeth. But peace is never on us. Before you know what is what, you suddenly find yourself in a tangle with Dale Steyn, who insists this is the best way to prepare for a series against Australia. I feel like crying but can't because you'd say I'm shedding crocodile tears.

2. Cat (England): Well, I would say physical pain is bearable but what about mental agony? By the way, I’m Max and I die hundred deaths every time I say Graeme Swann owns me. Cops caught the bugger drink-driving and you know what the !@#$%^&* told them? He said he was tight but had to drive to buy a screwdriver and get me out of a trap! Trap my foot, have you heard a sillier excuse?

3. Mosquito(Sri Lanka): I can sympathise with you. Frankly speaking, I've lost my faith in humanity as a whole. I bit Yuvraj Singh the other day and gifted Virat Kohli a place in the playing XI. Well, one does not expect a drop of blood but a word of acknowledgment would surely not have been amiss? But what you get in the pre-match interview? Not a single word of gratitude from Kohli! This new generation, just taking things for granted.

4. Cricket: I seriously feel you guys are overreacting. All you whine about is one-off incident. What about the daily humiliation we go through? Our grasshopper cousins have already started making fun of us. A small cricket is ridiculed as T20, a bigger one called a Test…I wonder what the world is coming to!

5. Cockroach (Mohali): See, I'm not the Paris Hilton type, always publicity-hungry. Apart from occasionally appearing from nowhere to scare the hell out of the girls, we are a self-effacing community. Once I mistaken trod on Chris Broad's food and he made such a hue and cry, mentioning it in the ICC Match Referee's report. It brought so much of unwanted publicity that I had to kiss my private life goodbye.

6. Donkey (Pakistan): Don't you guys think that all these sound simple whining when compared to the treatment we were subjected to? Butt, Asif and Aamer filled their boots and we were pelted! We have been around for donkey’s years but I can tell you we never had to go through such mental agony and physical pain put together.

7. Calf (Ranchi): I can tell you the life of a calf is not an easy one when you live in Ranchi. Do you have any idea how starvation death looms large over our community? And all because Dhoni has got this silly idea in his fat head that he has to guzzle four litter milk a day to stay fit! I hope you don't mind but all these talk of mental agony and unwanted publicity is pure gibberish when the very existence of me and my cousins is at stake.

Cricket’s journey

Down the road, there was a kennel. Behind the wall, you could hear dogs barking.

There was a crack on the wall and a cricket crawled out of it.

It wiggled its antennas, started chirping and headed towards where the barking was coming from.

Yessir. Cricket has gone to the dogs, if you ask me.

7 punishments for Dhoni & Co for NZ flop show

BCCI sees only the Sunny side but never the funny side of it. So what if New Zealand plastered India by 200 runs?

That doesn't mean you cancel the home trip you had promised the players who have spent enough time in Lanka to be eligible for a citizenship there.

It was not just a low trick on the players but quite unimaginative too. Doosra suggests 7 alternative ways BCCI could have punished the players:

1. Make the whole team row its way back from Sri Lanka;

2. A favourite theme with Doosra. Ask them to write the full name of Welegedara on the grain of rice. To be fair, give them a choice between Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanka Welegedara and Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas.

3. Ask Yuvraj to share room with Suresh Raina before a Test series and come out in the morning without any culpable homicide charges against his name; alternatively ask him to report after three weeks without a bar brawl; or spend 15 minutes on the field without inviting frenzied chants from the spectators;

4. Thrust a shaving razor in Praveen Kumar’s hand and ask him to turn up clean-shaven for a match;

5. Make Ashish Nehra play a full Test with no ambulance facility within 10km of the stadium;

6. Let MS Dhoni bat with Nehra as his runner;

7. Ask Ishant Sharma to bowl with Nehra fielding at point.

7 Potential Autobiography Gimmicks!

(P.S. Tendulkar today said the book actually doesn’t contain his blood. Too late sir, can’t change my post to please you.)

7 things since my last post

1. MS Dhoni lost his bachelorhood and -- I want you to follow me here closely -- felt it was not safe enough for his wife to travel to Sri Lanka in the same flight with his teammates;

2. Surprisingly none of the bar brawl reports had any mention of Yuvraj Singh;

3. ICC President Sharad Pawar finally took over as India's Agriculture Minister. Well, it maybe the other way round, I'm told;

4. Spat at, Suleiman Benn refused to exchange saliva with Dale Steyn, preferring the rather dull method of gatecrashing in the dressing room and alluding to the female members of Steyn's family;

5. Muralitharan has promised to stop scaring kids with his eyeball-popping antics, at least in Tests. Of the current lot, he said, only Harbhajan can make his eyes spring out of socket like that, to which Bhajji said it was very kind of him to say so;

6. It's for sons to follow in their father's footsteps but Geoff Marsh did it other way round when he joined IPL as Pune Warrior's coach. Now only the pet dog of the Marsh family remains unemployed but IPL governing council assured they would right that wrong soon;

7. Ajantha Mendis was axed from Lankan team for his indifferent attitudes to teammates. He flunked the how-much-you-know-your-teammate test where he was asked to write Chanaka Welegedara's full name and he came up with this lame excuse of running out of ink. For the uninitiated, Welegedara's full name is Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanga Welegedara.

(P.S. Tried my hand at Diski dance, played a soccer match as part of world’s first Indian-Argentine-SAfrican MIXED team, watched Germany-Argentina game on a giant screen at St George’s Park, met Port Elizabeth’s Mother Teresa and returned home without being mugged. That sums up my FIFA World Cup experience in Port Elizabeth.)

7 reasons why cricket is a better game than soccer

1. Soccer is way too abrupt. 90 minutes is what Shoaib Akhtar needs just to complete his run-up, which means his delivery would reach the batsman only in the extra-time!

2. A Warne or a Brett Lee may try their hand at designing underwear but they know where to draw the line. They would not model it themselves even for a dying grandmother, no sir. And there you have Beckham and Ronaldo unabashedly dropping fabrics and making these brief appearances;

3. Cricket’s post-match ritual doesn’t include exchange of stinking, sweaty jerseys. The first thing a footballer presumably does when he gets home is to burn it and bury the ashes in courtyard or clog the neighbour’s drain with it;

4. Cricketers may mistake the umpire for a cloth-hanger but never as a spittoon;

5. FIFA World Cup maybe a coiffeur’s delight but some of the haircuts on display not only border on sacrilege but also threaten to destroy the very social fabric of human civilization;

6. An umpire is not required to blow whistles till his lungs ache to earn his envelop;

7. Cricket coaches don’t make such a colossal ass of themselves on the sideline, jumping in ill-fitting suits like a headless chicken troubled by an ingrown nail;

(P.S Blogging would be irregular till FIFA World Cup ends. Going Port Elizabeth, hoping to watch more than one quarterfinal. Sorry folks, already oversubscribed for vuvuzelas. Will try to post something from there but don't put your money on that possibility. Be right back.)

7 reasons why soccer is a better game than cricket

1. Footballers refrain from something as unhygienic as applying saliva on the ball in full view of the broadcast public, including impressionable kids, and still look unapologetic;

2. Staying with the hygiene theme, FIFA deals with groin dermatitis in a more straight-forward way. So far, no footballer has been reported rubbing ball for that momentary pleasure;

3. Winning captain doesn’t uproot the goalpost and take it home as souvenir;

4. Losing captain doesn’t make outrageous excuses like the grass on turf suited the opponents;

5. The referee is not reduced to a walking hanger where players deposit their stinking garments;

6. The ball is way too big even for an Afridi’s mouth;

7. They don’t orchestrate a tiny scrum of handful scums and call it a World Cup.

Exclusive! Yuvraj’s secret meeting with Srikkanth!

Hear it here first!

Doosra serves hot another fly-on-the-wall account, this time of Yuvraj Singh’s secret meeting with chief selector Krish Srikkanth after which the player was dropped.

Excerpts:

KS: MyDearYuviI’mHabsolutelyDelightedToSeeYouBut IDon’tHaveMuchTimeAndSoIWouldKeepItShortSoThatItTakesLessTimeSinceIHaveAFlightToCatchAndI’mScaredOfFlightsBecauseTheyAreCrashingAllTheTimeSoMyQuestionIsWhatDoYouHaveToSayAboutYourFitness?

YS: Err…can you repeat that?

KS:!@#$%^&*!...WhatHappenedToYourFitnessYouHabsolutelySillyFatheadedBrat?

YS: I’m alright sir, fit as a fiddle.

KS:Don’tYouFiddleWithMyPatienceYouDimwitAndTryToBeFunnyBecauseYouKnowVeryWellWhatICanDoToYourCareer…SoWithoutWastingTimeTellMeWhyYouHaveSuddenlyBecomeAnHabsolutelyInflatedBalloon?

YS: Oh, that? I thought…anyway, you hurt my sentiments sir. Fact is every time I slip into team jersey, my chest swells in pride sir. I believe every player should feel so when they don national jersey. What you mistake for flab is actually patriotism sir.

KS:PatriotismMyFootYouHabsolutelyRottenPimpleOnTheCheekOfIndianCricket…JerseyMakersSaidTheyUsedToMakeSmallSizeJerseyForYouAndNowYouWantXXAndEvenThatSeemsBurstingAtTheSeamDoYouHaveAnyExplanation?

YS: Pimple, sir…I mean simple sir. We all want growth in life. Who wants stagnation? Sidhu Sir once told me that life without growth is like a stagnant pool, breeding proverbial mosquitoes spreading spiritual diseases in an ephemeral world inhabited by immoral half-wits….

KS:!@#$%.^*&…YouACricketerOrMunicipalityDrainInspector…PoolMosquitoDiseasesWhatRubbish…ListenYouSillyBlighterTheFactIsYouHaveGrownSoFatThatYouCan’tEvenBendToCollectABall.

YS: That’s intentional sir. I refuse to stoop to that level. Any self-respecting man should at least make an honest attempt at spending his life head held high.

KS:!@#$%^&*…YouAreHabsolutelySoUnfitThatYouNoLongerFieldInThePointPositionAndCaptainsBanishYouSomewhereInTheDeep.

YS: I don’t understand the fuss sir. No point fielding in point any more. I did all that, throwing myself around. But there comes a time when you have to move on in life, and I’ve moved on too, from point to elsewhere. You probably failed to notice it Sir, I’ve grown into a deep-thinking, deep-fielding man. Fielding in the deep gives me a larger picture of things sir.

KS:IReallyFeelThatYouHaveBecomeLargerYourselfInFactHabsolutelyTooLargeForYourOwnGoodAndCuttingYouDownToSizeCanBeDoneOnlyByDroppingYouFromTheSquadWhichWillTeachYouALessonYouSillyScatterbrainedMoron.

YS: I would not hold it against you sir. You know what Siddhu Sir once said about getting dropped….?

KS:GoAndJoinSidhuAndBoilYourSillyHeadsTogether…You!@#$%^&*.

An environmentalist’s appeal to Shashank Manohar

We all know sir that you don’t use a cellphone.

You don’t wear a watch either.

And you hardly fly – so much so that you didn’t have a passport till the other day.

Eco-friendly is the word that leaps to the lip.

Then why this series of showcause notices to Lalit Modi, sir?

One showcause notice invited a 15,000-page reply. To give you an idea, you roughly fell two trees to get 16,000 A4 size pages.

Sir, every time BCCI showcauses Modi, he vanishes into the nearby forest with an axe in hand.

No scruples at all sir, his replies are triple-spaced!

Spare a thought on the World Environment Day sir. Spare Modi.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: My heart is bloody!

I’m totally offset and my heart is bloody like nobody’s business. I know sometimes you win, sometimes others loos. But wherever I think of T20 World Cup, my blood boils.

I knowed we are going to loos when I spoked a speech before the tournament. Been the captain, I told the boys ‘We Can Do It’. I said there is no IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary.

And you know what they said?

Our Board gave us a packet dictionary, saying it would help us to batter our English. Aamer looked at his dictionary and said it had the word “Impossible”. Ajmal said his book also had it too.

Salman Butt reads those defective stories and behaviours as if he is that Homes…what is the name? yes…Shylock. Shylock Homes. Salman said he can explain why it was not in my dictionary. He said Asif probably teared the ‘I’ page, rolled some powder in it and snorted it. 

Kamran Akmal said actually the shopkeeper foolished me and said he would come with me if he denies to agree to change the book.

It was there four that I lost my temperature. Such morons, not knowing simple English and creating generation gaps like nobody’s business!

Our coach Walker Bhai also lost temperature like nobody’s business. He is a total stranger you know, speaking strange things all the time.

First he said we should do some sole-searching. I don’t know why he spoked so. Still we searched each other’s sole. Showed him there was no nail and don’t knowed why he got angry and called us unspeakables like nobody’s business.

Then he spoked we should put our best foot forward. I said “But then all the batsmen will get LBW”. He again told me bad abuses like nobody’s business.

One more think I can share you. Walker Bhai nearly fixed the hole tournament!
He said “We will have to win it at any cost”! I asked “Walker Bhai, how many is the cost? Have you spoked to other teams and fixed their price?”

I don’t know why he said me badder abuses and threw his chappal at me like nobody’s business. Fortunately it was old, so it reverse-swung and I escapaded.

Thanks Patrick, no kidding!

I always had this sneaking suspicion about Patrick Kidd.

That he is a sound egg, all virtues and no vices.

When he steps out of house, he daily thrusts a coin into the palm of a waiting beggar, pats him on the back and advises him not to waste it on drink.

In the bus, he vacates seats for elderly men and women, never jumps signal, stands patiently in queues, as and when he is in a queue, and goes about spreading light and sweetness.

Strain your eyes and you might see something around his head which you are not sure if it’s not a halo.

Goad me a little more and I would have a lump in my throat.

Well, to cut a long story short, Patrick Kidd (the Don Bradman of cricket writing) of ‘The Times’ (the Don Corleone of newspapers) has concocted a list titled “The world's 50 best cricket websites”.

And it’s the mention of Doosra there that threatens to bring the lump in my throat.

5 reasons why Yuvraj sported that ghastly French Cut in T20 WC

1. He grew it as his first layer of defence against chin music;

2. Family astrologer predicted facial growth would herald an upturn in form;
 
3. To hide the cut marks he sustained during a routine pub brawl;
 
3. Had this gut feeling that India will flop in T20 WC and reckoned beard would come handy to avoid being recognized;
 
5. Square cuts and upper cuts are things of the past. French Cut is all he is left with.

Exclusive: How Lalit Modi was suspended!

(Vijay and Siddharth Mallya suspend Lalit Modi in Monaco)

Well, when you take such an inverse view of things, no wonder all you want is to turn the world upside down. 
 
Pardon the poor quality of the pix. But then, some say, the man is hardly any better.

Pix courtesy: Lalit Modi

7 reasons to denounce T20 WC

1. Any WC with India not in final is racist;

2. Any WC with Pakistan not in final is a BCCI design;

3. Any WC with Australia in final is bigotry;

4. Any WC with England in final is a nihilist anachronism. To be honest, it’s not cricket WC at all. At best, it’s a soccer WC and that too some four-decade old;

5. Any WC with an Australia-England final is actually an Ashes prelude;

6. Any WC where Lalit Modi doesn’t dole out the gongs is rebel;

7. Any WC where Yuvraj has to broker peace in a pub brawl is absurdist.

Mango after Tendulkar, Coriander after Yuvi?

Who says Tendulkars don’t grow on trees?

Thanks to a Lucknow farmer, Tendulkars will not only grow on trees but can also be sliced, juiced and even pickled without inviting homicide charges!

Spending long hours under a scorching Sun can do strange things to farmers and Doosra here puts together a list of 7 cricketers who run the immediate risk of rendering their names to certain floras à la Tendulkar.

How KKR can still win IPL III

Apparently, we have seen the last of KKR in IPL III.

Ganguly’s rare athleticism, Gayle’s blings and shades, McCullum’s tattoos, Shah Rukh Khan’s soppy tweets, Juhi Chawla’s smiles that actually met at the back of her head, the foulness of the jersey's colour scheme…nothing could bring home the bacon.

But not everything is lost yet. Miracles do happen, although not as frequently as Lalit Modi’s Twitters.

With a pinch of enterprise and bit of luck, KKR can STILL win IPL III and here is how.

1. First the cinch. SRK unleashes a charm offensive and convinces Herr Lalit Modi to pluck Ramalinga Raju out of Chanchalguda jail and entrust him with the number-punching job.

It would take some persuasion indeed but once achieved, the only job left would be to put the bubbly on ice for an April 25 uncorking. Golly!

2. SRK gets Fuhrer Modi to tweak the rules and decide that the title would go to the team owner with most Tweets against his name. And no prize for guessing that SRK wins hands down here. Yippee! 

Of his rivals, Nita Ambani apparently reckons Twitter is another oil company owned by her husband and you can’t blame her for that. Among others, Preity Zinta suspects Twitter is a sequel to ‘Twister’, Vijay Mallya is cocksure it’s an F1 videogame while Shilpa Shetty believes it’s a reality show and is in fact planning to sue the racist producer for leaving her out.

3. SRK seeks divine intervention and the script goes along these lines.  Ganguly and gang are, as his wont, late in arriving for the prize giving ceremony at DY Patil Stadium and a devastating earthquake gobbles up other seven teams.

Deals have been signed and TV rights have been peddled. So Monsieur Modi sees no other option but to handover the title to the lone survivors KKR, who go home praising Ganguly’s vision. Whoopee!

4. IPL turns out to be actually a Karan Johar movie in which SRK looks utterly unconvincing and sensationally silly all along but still ends up on the winning side in the end.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Wishing Shoaib

I’m again joy like nobody’s business. What is the because? Well, finally Shoaib Malik divorced the girl he called sister and he goed on to merry Sania Mirza, whom he fortunately doesn’t call his sister.

I called him and wished him many, many happy returns of the day. No idea why he not likening it and banged the phone. Lacks mannerism, I think.

But I not blaming him. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…waise toh sabka Malik ek hai. But it was implicated like nobody’s business. Goed through hell. Poor chap. And had to give Rs 61 lakh haq mehr to Sania. Now you knowed why I called him poor chap.

But if you questioning me, I short of liken Shoaib. He looks like a idiot, talks like a idiot and plays like a idiot. But inside, he is a 24-carrot genteel man. Inside dressing room, he is chewing carrots all the time in a corner, never throwing ten-trams like the other Shoaib.

I’m doubtless he was victim of some kind of something that ends with piracy…what you call it?...got it...conspiracy.

So I’m joy his trouble is finally over and they now can settle in Gulf. After all, all’s well that ends in oil and you don’t have more oil outside Gulf.

Reading Between Lines: What Afridi meant when he said...

"Since he has gone to India he must now bring his bride home."

1. We had advised the moron not to walk into the outstretched arms of the Hyderabad Police but then fools keep rushing in where angels fear to tread;

2. Better you rot in a dungeon in Hyderabad than thinking of returning empty-handed. The message is loud and clear. Bring home the bacon, no excuse please;

3. Your silly affair has snowballed into an issue of national prestige and you must return with a bride by side. Nub of the matter is, Pakistan will not open its door to a single Shoaib;

4. Just bring home a bride, you halfwit and we won’t nitpick. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…anything will do;

5. I have a bet with Misbah-ul-Haq that Shoaib would land up marrying none of the four girls mentioned above. My money is on Rakhi Sawant to win ‘Shoaib ka Swayambar’ in one of the Indian channels.

Inside the Palace of Lalit (IPL)

Servant: Sir you have been so busy, no Max Mobile Time Out at all. Couldn’t tell you that one of your dogs is missing.
 

LM: What? Which one?

Servant: Million Dollar. We were airing her along with Tender, Franchise and Eyeball when Million Dollar broke loose.
 

LM: Gosh! What the hell you people do? All incompetent nincompoops. Now the Million Dollar question is where it could have gone?
 

Servant: Sir, actually Million Dollar had an affair with neighbourhood Subhashbabu’s dog.
 

LM: Subhashbabu’s dog! You mean that ICL! Have to teach a lesson to Subhashbabu. You just can’t have your dog hobnobbing with Million Dollar when you don’t have the official flirting rights.
 

Servant: Too late sir, damage has already been done. Million Dollar has delivered six kittens.
 

LM: What! A DLF Maximum! But that is an unauthorized association! We have to lure away the entire dog family. Dangle that Amnesty dog biscuit and bring them back. Whole family, you understand?
 

Servant: Whole family! Including ICL? Wow, that will be a Karbonn Kamal Catch sir!
 

LM: Yes, I’m waiting for that Citi Moment of Success when all the dogs will be here and Subhashbabu will have only himself to go airing with. Hahahah.

You know all is not well with Yuvraj when...

1. His midriff attracts more attention than that of a cheerleader;

2. His average in IPL is…well not even average, rather below-average;

3. He spends an incredible 23 days, 22 hours and 36 seconds without a bar brawl reported in media;

4. Police personnel make claims which basically mean knotted bed-sheets have been found hanging from the balcony of his hotel room;

5. He virtually usurps coach Tom Moody’s surname;

6. Sangakkara/Jayawardene sees no point in positioning him at point and exiles him to a third man;

7. Fans ponder calling him Sulk Hogan.

Pix: AP

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: I the Captain

They maked me captain again. I was expecting. I actually showed my hand to family astronomer and he spoke I will get it.

I’m joy like nobody’s business and I’m fully confidential that we will defend our title.

We are practicing like nobody’s business. Other day, Salman Butt actually fell subconscious but still practiced! He is so devotee that you can’t question his royalty.

Butt is not him only. All of us wanting to doing something for which posterior would remember us.

Our team in the balance like nobody’s business.

Our batting is good. We have both shit anchors and players who can...what the thing Ravi Shastri keep shouting...yes...players who can up the aunty...god knows why Ravi wants all to up their aunty but it sounds good.

We have to play as a team, not as indivisual. I expect the fool team to be positive and come to each other’s AIDS like nobody’s business. Bowlers have to take precautions and insure they not conceive easy boundaries. Or it can get fetal.

Personally speaking myself, controversies happening all the time like nobody’s business and a captain have to put lid on them.

I give surety to all. I will lid from the front.

Unveiling Pune Pupas...err...Pune Pachyderms

Lalit Modi has delivered! And lo! it’s a twin!

Metaphorically speaking, lest I’m misquoted. ‘Delivering the goods’ is how it goes, if you know your metaphors well.

So at best, Modi merely midwifed it.

Well, now that the babies have arrived, the next logical step is the christening ceremony.

So expect the IPL franchisees to summon all their creative bankruptcy and throw up a repulsive name that you never suspected anyone of decent upbringing capable of.

We already have some of the most obnoxious names in circulation and no wonder Pune and Kochi would jump onto the bandwagon, hoping to lower the bar.

Doosra has certain ideas for Pune and it maybe worth a dekko.

If you follow me closely, you’ll see the animal theme is pretty strong in IPL. Logos are littered with lions and bulls and what not!

Why spare the name?

In fact, I foresee a day when Meerut Monkeys will take on Gorakhpur Gorillas and Ballabhgarh Baboons will lock horns with Ootacamund Orangutans and the tournament will be shown on National Geography.

No prize for guessing that Arun Lal -- Piggy to friends, if any -- would be the only commentator to retain his job.

Continuing with the animal theme and showing solidarity to IPL’s save-alliteration-campaign, Pune Ponies seems sensible.

After all, it’s a rookie outfit, new to an existing eight-horse race called IPL.

And when the cookie crumbles, fans can wash their hands of, saying they backed the wrong horse.

Pune Pupas is not bad either, capturing its nascency and promising the caterpillar will become a butterfinger…err...butterfly someday.

Even if not an IPL butterfly, a social butterfly at least?

Pune Puppies sounds smart as well and who better to lead the side than Michael Clarke! Pup is free of engagements at the time of going to press.

Talking about merchandising, Pune Puppies can market footwears that would rival hush Puppies!

In contrast, Pune Pachyderms sounds odd but imposing. It would suggest their immunity to criticism.

It may lack phonetic sophistication but at least getting under their skin would be next to impossible.

7 IPL players, once domiciled

1. Owais Shah=Owais Saha, Wriddhiman’s long lost brother.

2. Kumar Sangakkara=Kumar Singh Kaur (Pardon the sex change).
 

3. Shane Bond=Sanat Bandopadhyay.
 

4. Kieron Pollard=Kiran Palekar.

5. Matthew Hayden=Mutthuswami Hegde (Come on, some K’taka Brahmins do stay in Chennai)

6. Tillakaratne Dilshan=Tilak Rattan Dhillon.

7. Jean-Paul Duminy=Jaipal Dhamne.

IPL, a lexicographer’s perspective

Had Samuel Johnson or Noah Webster been around, it would have spared me the trouble. Since they are not, I guess someone has to step in, spit on his palms and get on with the job.

So here are seven IPL words which Doosra believes should straightaway be in the lexicons.
 

1. Laliterature (la-lit-ray-chur): any text rich with recurring phrases like ‘multi-million-dollar deal’, ‘tender’, ‘rights’, ‘franchise’ etc. (e.g. The eunuchs who came to listen to Pranab Mukherjee’s budget were disappointed, admitting they could not make heads or tails of the Finance Minister’s laliterature.)
 

2. Yusuffering (yu-suff-ring): See-saw, yo-yoing. (e.g. Elin Nordegren finally handed Tiger Woods his hat, saying the golfer’s yusuffering fidelity was to be blamed for their parting.)
 

3. Mandiraxed (man-di-raxd): Dumped unceremoniously. (e.g. Sarah Palin says she is clueless why Barack Obama mandiraxed her and fell for that Chicago lamppost called Michelle.)
 

4. Yuvinile (yuv-nael): Excessive penchant for nightlife. (e.g. ‘Shoaib Akhtar had all the ingredients to be a great bowler but for his yuvinile indiscretions,’ rued Imran Khan.)
 

5. Shilparasites (shil-para-saets): gatecrashing relatives of your lady boss. (e.g. I had invited only my boss in my anniversary but she turned up with hordes of her freeloading shilparasites.)
 

6. Gangulyse (gang-u-lies): revive, mend. (e.g. John Terry’s tormented wife today made it clear that no amount of counseling can gangulyse her relation with her Casanova husband.)
 

7. Sehwagon Wheel: A wagon wheel where 4s and 6s far outnumber 1s and 2s. (e.g. Arjun Tendulkar’s Sehwagon Wheel reassured us that the youngster is following in his father’s footsteps.)

Preity Zinta and her struggle to stay positive

Stripped of captaincy, your marquee player sulks all day and then sneaks out of team hotel in the dead of night.

The new captain feels awkward and doesn't even understand the language he is lampooned in.

You have an Englishman who just didn't want to be here before lucre did him in.

The long and short of it is that you find yourself pretty much in a hole.

So what do you do? You tell yourself you won’t cave in and remain positive, come what may.

Sensible indeed, one has to concede.

But getting an HIV positive woman to toss the coin! Isn’t it stretching the positive stuff too far Ms Zinta?

Yusuferman!

Make no mistake, we still hate Lalit Modi. But let’s face it, IPL isn’t skin-deep cricket. 

Yes sir. There is intense drama. And there is heart-wrenching tragedy too.

Come March and the Athenians had their Dionysia where Greek tragedies were staged. 26 centuries since then and March still springs tragedy on us.

His profile says he is from Baroda. Actually, Yusuf Pathan is straight from the pages of the great Greek tragedies of Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides.

Crime and Punishment II

PCB wants us to believe that the Greenshirts are basically a cloak-and-dagger society. And that the innocent pastimes of its denizens include spiking each other’s drink, garnishing a teammate’s salad with generous sprinkling of potassium cyanide and frequent negotiations with the upcoming hit-man of the neighbourhood with the photo of a teammate in pocket.

Priceless drivel!

Doosra reveals the actual crimes of the Sullied Seven of Pakistan Cricket and also suggests suitable alternative punishments.

1. Younis Khan:

Crime: Tendency to quit captaincy at the drop of the hat.

Punishment: PCB should once again place the skipper’s cap on his head, having dipped its inside in Fevicol this time.

2. Mohd Yousuf: 

Crime: Inability to convert starts into big knocks.

Punishment: Should be forced to keep converting, from Islam to Falun Gong, from Falun Gong to Pow-wow, from Pow-wow to Seicho-no-Ie…the idea is to keep going.

3. Shoaib Malik:

Crime: Lack of commitment.

Punishment: Should be forced to marry, this time in person, the Hyderabadi girl he had once reportedly married over phone before remorselessly selling her down the river. Once you learn the value of commitment in personal life, it automatically spills over to cricket.

4. Rana Naved-ul-Hasan:

Crime: Wearing the ugliest wig in cricket.

Punishment: Should be made to share a dormitory with Lasith Malinga till an inferiority complex gets the better of his sang-froid.

5. Shahid Afridi:

Crime: Borrowing opium from Asif that led to a hallucination in which a cricket ball appeared as an apple.

Punishment: His daily net session should begin with 500mg of unalloyed Tamarind juice, a proved antidote, shoved down his protesting throat.

6. Kamran Akmal:

Crime: Trying to give the impression that orthodontic brace industry simply doesn’t exist in Pakistan.

Punishment: His contract should have an additional clause empowering PCB to use his dental excess for outdoor advertising.

7.Umar Akmal:

Crime: Putting brotherly love ahead of team interest.

Punishment: Should be asked to memorise the full name of the Fijian cricketer IL Bula and write it 10 times before he is allowed in the nets. (By the way, Bula’s surname is Talebulamainavaleniveivakabulaimainakulalakebalau)

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Shoaib’s a fine cricketer

Lend me your hair and tell you sumthing. Shoaib Irkthar is fined repeatedly again. Bloody 7 million rupees! Now I know why Imran Bhai once calld him a fine cricketer.

See, I’m a strait foreword parson and I can speak that I unlike Shoaib like nobody's bizness. Such a bloody...what you call it...hairdo?...weirdo? Whatever.

Always throwing ten-trams like nobody’s bizness. Once he gived me wisdom that I needed more serials in my food! Forget serials, my mom spoke me never to see TV at all when eating.

Shoaib have altitude problems also too. In fact, its in his jeans. He has no manors and uses fowl language like nobody’s bizness. No humidity at all. And my blood boils when he tells Urdu with a bloody New York accent!

I also unlike his habitat of cooking stories. As if we not know 99 percent of his lies are not true. Huh.

Once he tried to consult me in front of all, asking ‘where you live, by the way?’ I nearly punched his rear backside with my leg. I mean why should I live by the way? Am I a beggar?

Now PCB is fining him and at this rate, Shoaib Irkthar himself would soon live by the way. This is called iron of life.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Walker Bhai

Semifinally a good news. Don’t giggle. Semifinally b’coz nothing is final in Pakistan cricket.

Coming to the gully…I mean…coming to the point…Walker Younis is going to be our new coach.

I’m joy. He is the need of the our. I liken Walker Bhai like nobody’s business. What you say in English…yes…we really gel oil.

He told me other day he has GOT three kids. I don’t know where he GOT them. Always thought they were his own. Now seems Walker Bhai adapted those baby Walkers.

By the way, Walker Bhai stays in Sydney. We most-wanted a new coach and we didn’t wanted any bloody outsider. So we got a Sydneysider.

Outsiders are always conspiring to die in a foreign hotel like nobody’s business and bringing us trouble. Woolmer did that. And then Police came like nobody’s business and asked all shorts of incomfortable questions.

I had fed up with old coach. Intikhab Alam was senile like nobody’s business. He forgots everything. He once asked me what happened to my glasses. I showed him my empty pocket and swored at him that I returned my glasses after drinking. Then he said he mistaked me for Zaheer Abbas!

He coached Indian Punjab team in Ranji Trophy. All along thoughting he was coaching Pakistani Punjab team! It is uneasy to share dressing room with such forget fools. So welcome Walker Bhai.

(P.S. I’ll tell Walker Bhai why we are losing like nobody's business. Our board is led by a Butt. Our innings is opened by a Butt. That’s why we always bring up the rear)

Reading Between Lines: Lee quits Tests

"I'm not 21, I'm 33."

# A not-so-oblique dig at the authenticity of Shahid Afridi’s birth certificate in particular and the integrity of the Childbirth Registrar of Pakistan in general.

"Trying to bowl at 150kph for five days is very hard on the body."

# This current Oz line-up is infested by so many incompetent nincompoops that a bowler should be ready to bowl all five days of a Test match.

"My reason for retiring from this form of the game is so that I can preserve my body."

# The chumps in the mainstream media missed a breaking news here. Lee is learning body-preservation i.e. mummification which opens up a new alternate career option!

"It's not the finish or the end of me."

# After launching Acestar underwear, Lee’s imminent ulterior plans include cutting an album with Himesh Reshammiya and appearing in a parallel movie that pits him against Rakhi Sawant.

Pix: The Daily Telegraph
(P.S. Starting this new “Reading Between Lines” series which aims at dissecting innocuous-sounding press conferences, decoding and unmasking the hyperbole/circumlocution/gobbledegook and lay bare the naked truth for the reader’s convenience.)

Shahid Afridi's Secret Diary: Ball-Biting

Saled my bloody TV to kabadiwala.

Not asking me what is the bloody because. It gaved me bloody ache in the neck like nobody's business. Every time I switched it on, it showed me biting the bloody ball like nobody's business!

Nobody trusting me when I am tolding it's accidental. They speaking its only dental. Had Inzy Bhai doing it, they would be calling it Inzydental.

My bloody blood boiled like nobody's business. I gave two bloody whistles too and nearly became a bloody pressure cooker!

Every time I looked at the TV, I saw myself like nobody's business. I once mistook it for mirror and started combing my hair in front!

Then I used my head. Saw Zidane doing it to Materazzi. Never knewed it hurts like nobody's business. The TV set on the floor swimmed before me. But I recall who I is. So it should be OK.

I realised the bloody footage must have got stuck somewhere behind the TV screen like nobody's business. Happens with bloody gramophones. Something stucking and you hear the same line repeatedly again. So thoughted to sale it and broughting a new set.

These media !@#$%&* made a bloody fortune out of that footage. It's buffaloing like nobody's business! First they ask for bite and when you bite, these sons-of-what-nuts still have problems! They are jealous of us success fool peoples like nobody's business.

I'm sure when they wenting to hell, the Almighty will make Kakori Kebabs of them and feed them to Musharraf's dogs like nobody's business.

Tomorrow, one toothpaste company approached me to biting the ball again in their commercial. I was agree. After all, two err is human. And I have erred only once. Have seeken PCB's permission, hope they allow.

(P.S. This is the beginning of a brand new Shahid Afridi's Secret Diary series, the frequency of which would be directly proportional to the availability of the required brainwaves.)

More Tests in Eden, please

Have you seen them in queue before the ticket counter, Sir? I have.

A student had bunked class. A clerk had played truant. A shopkeeper had concocted a cock-and-bull story for his bossy wife and a youth sold a white lie to his girlfriend to be in the same sweaty serpentine queue with strange people.

And they laughed heartily as they talked about how they made their way and admired each other's ingenuity.

Shoved now and then by the mounted police, these faceless people, brought together by a common passion, had to be inside, Sir.

For just being inside would insulate them from all the ills of their daily life. Inflation, unemployment, marginalization, ideological disillusion, political cynicism, diminishing role models...

In the end of it all, some returned home with a ticket in their pocket and a smug smile on their lip.

Others dragged themselves back. But it was not over yet. As is with life, there always are a few more stones to be turned.

And the match-morning, they would invariably be inside! Having begged, borrowed or stolen there passage.

And once inside, they do wonder, Sir.

They give Harbhajan his spunk, mojo and bragging right back.

They turn Butterfinger into Goldfinger and make Laxman take blinders and do strange things with his willow.

They send nostalgia permeating through the air. They talk reverently about Dravid and indulgently about Azhar. And moan how they miss Kumble.

Sir, they infuse new life in the corpse and make Test cricket jump off its bier and pirouette!

There must be something about these people. Let's have more Tests at Eden, sir.

Please.

Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye!

Stop me if you have heard/read this before.

Apparently, the tolerance level for bad singers is pretty low among the Filipinos. And even lower when it comes to Frank Sinatra's version of 'My Way'.

Nip a potential Himesh Reshammiya in the bud – pretty much sums up the feeling there.

And they don't belong to that shallow school of thought that restricts its displeasure to hurling a few rotten eggs here and a few stale tomatoes there and go home content with the false conviction that they have done their bit to earn a night's repose.

According to modest estimates, half a dozen such poor singers have vanished off the face of earth for their fatally imperfect rendition of the number. The local media keeps a tally of what they call 'My Way Killings'.

The general consensus among the crooners there is that you sing the number in the local Karaoke bars only after you have: i) a bullet-proof jacket inside; ii) updated your life insurance premiums; iii) signed the will in presence of your lawyers; and iv) kissed your kid on the forehead one last time.

So now you know why Harbhajan Singh should thank his stars that: i) he's not a singer; and ii) he's an Indian to boot.

Pix: AP

(P.S. 'My Way' lyric here)

Exclusive: Sneak peek into Pawar-Thackeray meeting!

Blogosphere nearly had its first martyr!

Being a fly on the wall has its own peril. More so when your insurance premium is not updated.

To cut a long story short, Doosra flirted with peril to be privy to the IPL sweet nothings that Sharad Pawar (SP) and Bal Thackeray (BT) whispered in Mumbai!

For the facts, BCCI President Shashank Manohar was also present on the occasion but his contribution to the discussion was largely limited to goggling at SP and BT, besides the occasional feet-shuffling.

Excerpts:

SP: Balasaheb, this is not done.

BT: I'm happy you acknowledge it. Sugar costs as much as silver. Pulse drops when you ask about pulse price…

SP: Err...you got me wrong Balasaheb. I was talking about IPL. Why aren't you allowing the Australian players in Mumbai?

BT: Allow them! Over my dead body! I just can't let them here. What if they settle here and start driving taxis? Picture them bargaining with passengers in English, and not in Marathi! Whither Marathi Manoos?

SP: Come on Balasaheb, cricketers are well off. Most of them have chauffer-driven sedans. Why should they drive taxi here?

BT: This is hogwash, cricketers being rich. The other day I read about some underfed cricketer, some Afridi tribesman, eating ball. Such is their plight and you want me to believe they are rich? Rich, forsooth!

SP: Come on. He's just a mad guy.

BT: And you guys chased that mad guy? Is it Indian Premier League or India's Premier Loonies?

SP: Come on Balasaheb, what's your problem?

BT: Now that you asked me, arthritis has confined me to bed. I don't see much either. The other day I spilled some secret beans to Raj, mistaking him for Uddhav. The beard itches and doctors said after so many years, the sunglass can only surgically be removed. Hell lot of problems. Old age you know…

SP: Oh...Balasaheb, I meant why don't you let the Australians play here?

BT: Allow them there! Over my dead body. No, actually I can. But I have conditions.

SP: I'm all ears.

BT: Brett lee should become Brett Liquor...err...I meant Brett Leekar.

SP: What!

BT: Yes. Then they should celebrate Valentines Day getting rakhi tied on their wrists by their girlfriends. They should write exclusive columns in 'Samna' and subscribe it as well. Nobody reads it these days you know. Then irrespective of their teams, they would say 'Jai Maharashtra' before beginning every press conference, eat only Vada Pao in lunch and discuss Chhatrapati Maharaj in team meetings. You understand?

Servant: Sir they left long ago. Congratulations sir, this year's IPL will be without the Australians. Mr Pawar made a TV announcement just now.

Cartoon: Satish Acharya

Make Hashim Amla Gujarat’s Brand Ambassador!

It won't probably come under 'Off The Rocker' head but sample the recent decisions and you know the celebrated Modi acumens too have their occasional feet of clay.

Simply not at their best, neither Lalit nor Narendra (NM henceforth).

Take the case of the Gujarat strongman. Otherwise a sound egg, NM made Amitabh Bachchan (AB henceforth), God bless his daughter-in-law, Gujarat's brand ambassador!

This is when the moth-eaten fabrics, smelly hair oil, stop-start pens and rummy cements that AB peddles on telly are certified dust-gatherers.

And AB visits Gujarat only when his flight can't land in Mumbai and needs to crash-land in Ahmedabad.

Paris Hilton is more Gujarati than AB, you might say.

So why not make Hashim Amla (HA henceforth) Gujarat's brand ambassador, NM?

HA has Gujarati roots at least!

And like all successful Gujaratis, he has only roots in the state while the trunk and branches continue to flourish abroad. What's the Big (B) deal?

Pluck a beard each and HA beats AB, and beats him hollow.

Also consider that HA doesn't even wear alcohol logos, which would have fitted like glove with the state's policy of sobriety.

If NM's heart can bleed for the Gujaratis in Kenya, why not the nearby Durban?

One plausible reason could be that NM doesn't like the name, Hashim Amla. But there is a way out!

Call him Hashmukh Amin then and make him Gujarat's brand ambassador!

7 reasons why Afridi bit the ball

1. Afridi had exhausted his supply of chewing gum;

2. Someone told him cricket ball is called cherry and being the unsuspecting soul, he took it rather literally;

3. He was conducting some rudimentary research for a scientific paper on 'Edibility of A Cricket Ball';

4. He wanted to get back at teammates who taunted his bowling lacked bite;

5. To convey the message that Pakistan is not a toothless side;

6. He was doing an Adam-biting-the-forbidden-fruit-in-Garden-of-Eden impersonation for a reality show;

7. He had a bet with Stuart Broad that his teeth are stronger than the Englishman's boot nails.

Pandit Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar and @&#$%* Sehwag

Sehwag hums bhajan. Tendulkar croons Dire Straits numbers. Just shows the protégé and the mentor are not necessarily peas of the same ipod.

Apart from being in the same bowler-butchering-business, their common grounds run out fast.

When Tendulkar speaks, you start believing he either doesn't have a tongue or an opinion. Diplomatic circumlocution at its best, critics put it rather harshly.

Sehwag, on the other hand, belongs to the school of thought that advocates tongue-wagging comes strictly under Heart's sole jurisdiction and Brain would do well to take a walk.

When Tendulkar opens his mouth, trust him not to put a foot wrong. When Sehwag opens his, it's mostly to accommodate his own upwardly mobile restless foot.

So while Tendulkar continues to bolster his post-retirement case for the sensitive job of Indian High Commissioner in Washington or Islamabad, Sehwag doesn't seem fit for even Dhaka.

Even Dhaka! Certainly not Dhaka, especially after his ordinary-side gaffe!

In stark contrast, The Tendulkar Cult grew in strength and opened its Bangladesh chapter after the Master Magnanimous went to the Tigers’ dressing room and blessed the awe-struck cubs.

Have you seen a Hindustani classical singer in the process of uttering the name of his Guru? A light of veneration gleams in his eyes as he raises a polite hand to touch the earlobe with unalloyed veneration.

Next time India returns to Bangladesh, I can see the Tigers doing the same whenever they refer to Tendulkar. 'It's Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar,' they would point out with a silent rebuke.

As for Sehwag, well, I'm afraid it would be just the surname, preceded by a largely unparliamentary assortment of crossbones, asterisks, skulls, stars and practically what not!

Who are you Shahadat?

There are players who catch your eye. Shahadat Hossain is different. He catches your ear.

Pressed into service, he de-caps himself and sets out. Fairly longish run-up. You curse Shoaib Akhtar for being such a bad influence.

In ODIs, his captain shakes his head and fishes out a chart from pocket. It shows how much his match-fee shrunk.

Teammates cross fingers. Crowd's heart is in their mouth. Is he leaving the field?

No. Shahadat finally stops. He turns, ruffles his hair and runs.

The batsman saw him retreating into a blot. Now the blot swells into a blur. Shahadat begins his voyage, like one of those Narayangunj steamers.

He approaches the umpire, ghosts past him, leaps, lands and delivers it with a grunt!

AAHHH!

As if he had a vile lunch which he wants to throw up.

As if he had half-swallowed a pregnant toad but then had a second thought and was trying to reverse the process.

Or he's putting up his impersonation of a mother-in-labour.

Beyond doubt, Shahadat labours. And he delivers as well. So, in all fairness, issues should not be made if he grunts too.

And there sneaks in the suspicion. Could it be possible that Shahadat actually is a woman's soul trapped in a male body?

Or maybe beneath the veneer, he is Monica Seles in disguise!

Cast aside the snickometer, bring out the grunt-o-meter. We must get to the bottom of the mystery.

7 potential alternative careers in cricket

Whenever they speak, some cricketers can be quite thought-provoking. For instance, your first thought after hearing Player A could be a wishful one – wish the proverbial cat had gotten his tongue and was not sighted since.

Some cricketers can also make a believer out of you. The first sentence has barely left Player B's lips and you start believing that human tongue functions independently of human brain.

And then there are certain cricketers, who help you understand things around. Like exactly what thought went behind adding a MUTE button to all remote controls.

But then there are others who make interesting reading and from whatever I listened/read over the last few days, I have no doubt that the seven cricketers below would have made quite a good name in other professions. Cricket's-gain-is-god-knows-what's-loss stuff, I mean.

Sample the men and their utterances.

1. Miandad the Microbiologist: "T20 cricket is a virus". (Tendulkar, clearly from the other school of thought, felt T20 was dessert. Talk about one man’s meat being another man’s poison.)

2. Dr Sunil Gavaskar, MBBS: "The way they (Indian fielders) are going about it (dropping catches), despite the cold weather I doubt if they will be able to catch a cold."

3. Adam Parore the Cardiologist: "Jesse Ryder may have the longest lower abdominal strain in history - someone with a heart transplant would have been back quicker."

4. Wayne Parnell the Actuary: "It’s (the $610,000 hole he created in Daredevils’ pocket) a huge sum of money!"

5. Matthew Hayden, Oz High Commissioner to India: "I have been welcomed into the bosom of India as a brother." (Sourav Ganguly now calls him Hayden da, one hears).

6. Lalit Modi the Environmentalist: "For every effigy burnt I will go and plant 200 trees".

7. Jamie Siddons the Proctologist: "His (Sehwag’s) comments (that Bangladesh is an ordinary side) might bite him on his bum in a few years' time."

7 players and why they didn't hit IPL jackpot

1. Brad Haddin: Teams agreed exposing the impressionable Indian juvenile populace to gloved crooks might adulterate their spiritual make-up and vitiate the values;

2. Philip Hughes: The idea of finding secret team strategies all over Twitter on the match-eve didn't appeal to anyone;

3 & 4. Monty Panesar & Mark Ramprakash: Shelved for a future Indian-origins' Premier League.

5. Shahid Afridi: His impersonation of Statue of Liberty after every dismissal was found neither original nor aesthetic;

6. Vernon Philander: The surname cooked his goose;

7. Sulieman Benn: With Mitchell Johnson and Haddin not in IPL, Benn would have been of limited utility.

7 players and why they hit IPL jackpot

1. Kieron Pollard: To fill the Resident Hairdo Weirdo's post lying vacant since Robin Uthappa left Mumbai Indians;

2. Shane Bond: To bolster West Bengal Police which cut such a sorry figure against the Maoists;

3. Mohd Kaif: Owes his contract to misunderstanding. With Preity Zinta nursing a sore heart, Kings XI Punjab wanted an actress for their new video and thought Katrina Kaif was on offer. Ms Zinta later strongly resented this skullduggery by Lalit Modi;

4. Eoin Morgan: A man of well-known scruples, Vijay Mallya wanted a Catholic taster for his breweries. Besides, he was under the impression that the stripling was ICC chief David Morgan's offspring;

5. Damien Martyn: The mothballed veteran was plucked out of retirement to fill the babysitting void at Rajasthan Royals since Kamran Akmal was not at hand;

6. Wayne Parnell: Delhi Daredevils could not get over its infatuation for players nicknamed 'Pigeon';

7. Yousuf Abdulla: Hear it here first. A grateful Lalit Modi paid the money from his pocket as a Thank-You gesture to South Africa for hosting IPL II.

The rascal is a romantic

Ricky Ponting tops a popularity chart only when it's hung upside down.

As far as modesty is concerned, Idi Amin looks more an agreeable chap, if not the seraph altogether.

Gracewise, well, call him WG Grace. Without a Grain of Grace in his spiritual make-up, if you know what I mean.

And you would be baffled by your own austerity when you call him a rascal.

But when you are told that the pocket-size devil doesn't part with his worn-out baggy green cap and would have it rather repaired than replaced, it makes you feel pretty silly.

Let's face it, the rascal is a proud romantic.

Pix

Mother of all fatherhood stories

If you ever come across an adult male Darwin Frog and greet him with a hearty 'Hi', chances are that your partner-in-conversation would shush you and pantomime his inability to reciprocate because he is raising tadpoles in his vocal sac!

Similarly, a little inquiry about a familiar male Seahorse's suddenly bulging abdominal pouch would tell you that the same was bursting at the seam not as an aftermath of previous night's reckless dinner but because he was carrying the family embryo in it!

Ask about the sudden vanishing-into-thin-air of a neighbouring male Emperor Penguin and common pals would inform you that the poor guy is hard pressed for time since his female partner has washed her hands of the issue soon after laying the egg, leaving the job of incubating to him alone.

Now if you feel you've hard all about responsible fatherhood, hold your seahorses. Here comes the mother of all fatherhood stories.

Kamran Akmal dropped his world at SCG because all-night babysitting left him Sleepless in Sydney!

Reports claim with a steady stream of Z filling the speech balloon of his wife, Akmal could be seen pacing the floor of the Sydney hotel all night with his child in his arms. Fortunately, no flooring-of-the-sitter was reported.

No wonder when he sleepwalked into the ground next morning, Akmal was not interested in edges. All he wanted to catch was some sleep.

So Akmal dropped sitter. And now his team is set to drop the babysitter.

The perceived toothlessness of Kamran Akmal

Factually speaking, Kamran Akmal doesn't give you the impression of being a toothless glovesman.

On the contrary, he comes across more as an assortment of molar, premolar, canine and what not.

If Anil Kumble is Jumbo –- a dentist is bound to question the soundness of the simile -- Akmal is Mammoth. Now take that.

But form and fortune can be as fickle as Liz Taylor in her pomp, which is roughly 1950-91 when she married eight times to seven husbands. And Akmal, although a mammoth cricketer in his own rights, experienced the same in Sydney.

Both literally and figuratively, he dropped the ball at SCG. Ball after ball to be more accurate. And now his team is reciprocating, dropping him like a hot brick.

Now that leaves us with just one Akmal in Hobart and no prize for guessing that it's not the one long in the tooth.

P.S. Was searching for Kamran Akmal's photo. All I could lay my hands on was this Nestle product.

A Suspect Cricketer

Both Ganguly and Wright had this sneaking suspicion that beneath the boy lurked a man. A yeoman.

A look at him and the selectors had this eerie feeling that they have seen future.

Those who sedulously tarred the walls of his Allahabad residence had this doubt that he did not try enough in 2003 World Cup.

Chappell, on his part, suspected he was a Ganguly henchman, who might spike his drink and then wait round the corner with a country-made gun.

And now umpires report him for a suspect bowling action in a Ranji match!

Show me a cricketer who has dealt with more doubt, suspicion and mistrust than Mohammad Kaif and I'll show you a liar.

Doosra Annual Award 2009

Dhoni could not believe it. Sehwag didn't like it. Pietersen rather resented it and Dirk Nannes was quite livid.

I assured them justice delayed is justice denied alright but they need not harbour similar insecurity about Doosra annual awards.

So without much ado, here goes the 2009 gongs:

1. Hosiery Society's Rookie Designer of the Year: Andrew Flintoff, for his socks;

2. Lingerie Wholesaler Association's Newcomer of the Year: Shane Warne, for his brief designs;

3. Youngest Grandpa Citation: Sachin Tendulkar;

4. M(e)an Booker Prize: Justin Langer, for his dossier on English cricketers;

5. Social Networker of the Year: Phil Hughes, for his Twittergate.

6. Honorary Doctorate: Sunil Gavaskar for diagnosing that the butter-finger Indians are incapable of even catching cold.

7. Quisling Memorial Trophy for Fifth Columnist of the Year: Virender Sehwag, for supporting opponents in close ties.

8. The inaugural Regit Sdoow Cup: Kevin Pietersen for being the perfect husband and seeking leave to watch his wife's dance prorgamme on TV. (Regit Sdoow is Tiger Woods reversed, for the uninitiated).

9. Thomas Edison Medal: Tillakaratne Dilshan for inventing ‘Dilscoop’.

10. Lord Snooty of the Year: Ram Gopal Verma, for mistaking Dhoni for an aspiring actor;

15. Cricketer Sans Border Plaque: Dirk Nannes, for effortlessly two-timing Netherlands and Australia.

16. Noam Chomsky Medal: Again Dirk Nannes, for being the only Japanese-speaking cricketer.

(Read Doosra Annual Award 2008 here)