10 Bollywood Facts I Bet You Didn’t Know

1. Aamir Khan's ears are aerodynamically designed, at an angle to help him slow down when on motion. Just like an aircraft while landing.

2. Income Tax guys once raided Akshay Kumar for disproportionate asset in the form of gum;

3. Anil Kapoor has severe vitamin D deficiency as sunlight can't penetrate his body hair and reach skin;

4. Hrithik Roshan's right hand has a nickname- "Pincode", for it has six digits.

5. Imran Khan uses complex geometrical instruments to get his hairline;

6. No domestic help has ever stolen any cutlery from Kamal Haasan's kitchen. They were never sure if the fork lying invitingly was not Kamal Haasan himself in make-up;

7. Aradhya Bachchan is likely to make her acting debut in a Tamil film against her grandfather Amitabh Bachchan's good friend Rajinikanth;

8. It's gross exaggeration to say Anushka Sharma is so thin that she can pass through the eye of a needle. Her hair tied in a ban, she gets stuck.

9. Shakti Kapoor is an ardent Nabokov fan. #Lolita

10. Shammi Kabab was originally called Prithviraj Kapoor. #ShammiKaBaap

Budget 2014: 10 Random Observations

1. Honourable Finance Minister spoke for two hours but it's actually a one-line budget. Sardar Patel Statuetory warning: Smoking is injurious to wealth.

2. Oil products to be cheaper. Afraid it would boost sycophancy.

3. Cigarettes to cost more. It's clearly a pro-rich budget. Only the rich can now afford those diseases that smoking causes.

4. How do I pay "indirect tax"? Instead of giving it directly to the guy at counter, I submit it via pantry boy?

5. Rather happy with "Krishi Darshan". Finally something to bring smile on the face of poor farmers like Robert Vadra and Amitabh Bachchan.

6. Cigarette to cost more, footwear to be cheaper. The underlying message is: kick the bad habit or smoke footwear.

7. Soap to be cheaper. Munaf Patel should have no excuse now.

8. Cigarette to be costlier (leitmotif of this piece). It means Bollywood will have to be more creative. Any bidi/cigarette chewer cannot be passed as a poor street urchin, however shabby the dress is.

9. Finance Minister sipped water while presenting budget. Was Hema Malini around to make sure it was Kent RO treated?

10. Cigarette costlier, footwear cheaper. Can you still crush cigarette butts under your footwear?

EXCLUSIVE: The Real Reason Behind Bachchan-Gandhi Split

Rajiv Gandhi: So you won't budge?
Amitabh Bachchan: Budge? How can you even think of that?
RG: You forgot the days we spent together right from Doon school?
AB: Of course not!
RG: You forgot those proxies and everything else that I did for you?
AB: As if I did not!
RG: No, I mean both of us did.
AB: Then?
RG: Then what? You can't do such a simple thing for your Bhabi?
AB: Bud, it's impossible.
RG: Why? You are a superstar! You can dictate the director or the producer!
AB: It doesn't work like that in Bollywood, why don't you understand?
RG: You mean you won't change it?
AB: Chum, listen, don't be foolish.
RG: You can't do this simple act to please your bhabi?
AB: No, I can't.
RG: So the film title remains "Aakhree Rasta"?
AB: Yes, it remains "Aakhree Rasta".
RG: And you can't make it "Aakhree Pasta" to please your Bhabi? Just a matter of changing one letter?
AB: I'm sorry I can't.
RG: Well mate, you lost me there. I guess that's it then. Our paths part from here and they they never cross again.
AB: But..hell...listen...
RG: Thanks for the memories bud, bye.

Pix: www.indiatoday.intoday.in

India's Post-Olympic Medals!

So the Mayor Dangling Ceremony, aka London Olympics, is finally behind us. Look over your shoulder and you still can see the blurred blob.

While countries such as US, China and the consortium called Great Britain prepare to exercise their global bragging rights, India returned with six medals from London.

Away from media glare, there was another medal giving ceremony where Indians who made their mark in London were suitably rewarded.

So ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, the winners are...

1. The Conspiracy Theorist Medal: Archery coach Limba Ram. For suggesting rivals used black magic and witchcraft to jinx Indian archers;

2. Redefining Indian Geography Medal: Amitabh Bachchan. For congratulating Mary Kom, the boxer from...well...Assam! To be fair to him, he promptly apologised and corrected himself. Most Indians qualify for this award anyway;

3. Serendipity Medallion: Vishnu Vardhan. Apparently, when you want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve that. Vishnu was plucked out of nowhere and thrown in the doubles mix only because Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi fought like two wet cats over a dead rat. As if it was not enough, Philipp Kohlschreiber took the pain of pulling his hamstring to shove Vishnu into the singles main draw. Such was his luck that Vishnu mistakenly consumed pesticide but it turned out to be Coca Cola;

4. Gatecrasher Society's Personality of the Year Medal: Madhura Honey aka Nagendra. She ghosted her way past security guards and led Indian contingent in the Opening Ceremony in one of the lasting mysteries of the 21st century that would haunt Sebastian Coe for the rest of his life;

5. Fastest-Finger-First Medal: Ajay Maken. Mr Maken has significantly raised the bar for all Sports Minister, camping in London and tweeting as if there is no tomorrow;

6. Mike Tyson Spirit of the Game Medal: Sushil Kumar. For biting part of his Kazakh opponent's ear and keeping it as an Olympics souvenir;

7. International Angler's Society's Special Medal: Sania Mirza. For offering herself as a bait in the Paes-Bhupathi row;

8. Chilli Powder Manufacturers Association’s Special Medal: Mahesh Bhupathi & Rohan Bopanna. Bhupathi had bloodshot eyes after his doubles defeat and Bopanna said it was chilli powder;

9. Shahid Afridi Hollow Threat Medal: Vijay Kumar. For threatening to quit army if denied promotion.

Make Hashim Amla Gujarat’s Brand Ambassador!

It won't probably come under 'Off The Rocker' head but sample the recent decisions and you know the celebrated Modi acumens too have their occasional feet of clay.

Simply not at their best, neither Lalit nor Narendra (NM henceforth).

Take the case of the Gujarat strongman. Otherwise a sound egg, NM made Amitabh Bachchan (AB henceforth), God bless his daughter-in-law, Gujarat's brand ambassador!

This is when the moth-eaten fabrics, smelly hair oil, stop-start pens and rummy cements that AB peddles on telly are certified dust-gatherers.

And AB visits Gujarat only when his flight can't land in Mumbai and needs to crash-land in Ahmedabad.

Paris Hilton is more Gujarati than AB, you might say.

So why not make Hashim Amla (HA henceforth) Gujarat's brand ambassador, NM?

HA has Gujarati roots at least!

And like all successful Gujaratis, he has only roots in the state while the trunk and branches continue to flourish abroad. What's the Big (B) deal?

Pluck a beard each and HA beats AB, and beats him hollow.

Also consider that HA doesn't even wear alcohol logos, which would have fitted like glove with the state's policy of sobriety.

If NM's heart can bleed for the Gujaratis in Kenya, why not the nearby Durban?

One plausible reason could be that NM doesn't like the name, Hashim Amla. But there is a way out!

Call him Hashmukh Amin then and make him Gujarat's brand ambassador!

EXCLUSIVE: Bhajji explains white patka!

Dear All,

So here we go again. Talk of the town and it again has nothing to do with my bowling!

Well, I'm told my white patka has been quite a sensation.

So much so that some people have lost their own. Others reported sporadic cases of choking at the breakfast table in front of the television.

Now that surely warrants some explanation. What necessitated this change in colour and the encrypted messages I meant for a few individuals.

For starters, I believe I have been able to prove to my BCCI bosses that I'm doing my utmost to curb my temper and keep my cool.

White reflects sunlight, elementary metaphysics sirs! No? You insist it's physics? Sure it's not physiology either? Well, will take that.

Returning to the rail, I believe with this subtle move, I've silenced my critics, who spread the canard that I lack variety. And if still those offsprings of *&^%$#@! still nitpick about it being just a wardrobe variety, well, my Hummer can take care of them next time they stray onto the road.

Time to spell out other ramification of the white patka that may have eluded your radar.

To Matthew Hayden, my patka virtually screams out 'Mate, about time you issued a rejoinder that I’m not an obnoxious weed but a white tulip'.

It has a message for Sreesanth as well. Well Sree, you can come closer without inviting a palm-shaped tattoo on your cheeky cheeks.

For Symonds, oh dear, all hatchets buried. Let's start life afresh, mate. By the way, how's your mom?

Finally a word for Mr Amitabh Bachchan too.

Now that I've changed colour, don't you think a Big Boss invitation should be on my way?

Regards

Harbhajan Singh.

(P.S. What will be the punch line of a family planning commercial featuring Dhoni and Bhajji? Hum Do Hummer Do, preferably mouthed by Dhoni.)

Pix

Live from Mohali

Welcome to What Neo Won't Show And Cricinfo Won't Report.

1410: Dhoni wins toss. Ponting inquires if Amitabh Bachchan had used the same coin in 'Sholay'. Umpire Ashoka de Silva grumbled 'Sholay' was never screened in Sri Lanka and hence he could not shed any light on it.

1430: Harbhajan shakes hand with Ashoka de Silva like long lost mate. Staying with Bhajji, I suspect he is subdued in this series because Chris Broad is the Match Referee. The same guy -- no doubt he hides a pair of horns under that trendy cap -- who had reported Bhajji twice in the past. Come on Chris, live upto your name -- surname to be precise -- and take a broad view of things. My heart bleeds for Bhajji since we are the last few remaining Doosra exponents.

1440: Statying with Chris, I think Stuart Little got the surname alright but goofed up the name when he complained to Pa that a neighbourhood Singh boy had hit him for six sixes. That was Yuvi, not Harbhajan, Chris. Stop scaring the kid.

1545: Sorry for the delay. The wi-fi in the press box is like Australian opening pair. Just not working.

1610: Raina in pain, trying to stop a ball that gets sandwiched between him and the turf. Looked like he was trying to sow the ball and maybe water it as well till it bore fruit. Balls I meant.

1645: Hear it here FIRST. BCCI Prez Shashank Manohar tells PCB chief Ejaj Butt -- both are here -- that no Ind-Pak series possible in the next 8 months. Promises to renew talk next year, provided the Government gives them the go-ahead.

1820: Australia settle for 250 when 300 looked a possibility. Something fairly akin to dating Katrina Kaif and then settling for/with Rakhi Sawant. Destiny, I guess.

2010: Ashoka de Silva just topped every Indian hate-list and his family would pray hard for his safe return after that howler of a decision against Tendulkar.

2025: Son of the soil Yuvraj clearly knows part of the crowd moving behind the sightscreen. You don't need lip-readers to tell you that he was referring to some of their mothers and sisters.

2030: India reach 111 for 3 in 22.4 overs. I'm missing David Shepherd (read my tribute here).

2121: Suddenly it springs to my mind - I have seen grandpa and grandson bat together in an ODI when Tendulkar and Yuvraj forged a brief partnership. And Yuvraj isn't alone to call Tendulkar grandpa.

2137: Today must be International Party-Pooper's Day. First Sehwag spoiled birthday boy Mitchell Johnson's party and then de Silva marred Tendulkar's.

2230: No more updates today, time for other serious stuff. Thanks for staying with Doosra, if anyone that is :)

How India could have escaped the Motera mauling

Doosra loathes to believe that despite having a mammoth support staff entourage, India could not plot a ploy to avert the mauling they received in Motera.

More than batting collapse, it was sheer lack of ideas, Doosra would put it like that.

Anyway, here are a few ways that could have saved India the second Test against South Africa. (Reading Doosra posts, I reckon, would henceforth be part of Team India’s strategising process.)

1. Motera curator Dhiraj Parsanna’s fault lies not in retaining the grass on track but his lack of pragmatism. Keeping in mind that, traditionally, green has made the Indian batsmen see red, Parsanna should have painted the grass grey. It’s all in the mind of our pampered willowers and you don't need to be a Paddy Upton to realise that.

2. I’m sorry but Anil Kumble has to shoulder some blame as well. After the first innings fiasco, Jumbo and his men should have refused to take to the ground, protesting China’s policy on Tibet; or soaring inflation; or farmers’ suicides in Vidarbhaba despite the BCCI chief doubling up as the Agriculture Minister; or South African cricket board’s transformation policy; or…well activism never runs out of causes, you know.

3. BCCI’s inertia is also to be blamed too. Headquartered in Mumbai, BCCI could have convinced the Shiv Sainiks – with an impressive track (digging) record– that South Africa is actually part of Pakistan and Graeme Smith’s team has no business playing cricket in India. Or you could simply tell them that Kallis & Co are die-hard Amitabh Bachchan fans, who are here to attend the ‘Bhootnath’ premier.

4. In case Shiv Sena was not at hand, Raj Thackeray’s Maharashtra Navnirman Sena – I admit they lack the pitch-digging skill of the Shiv Sainiks -- could be convinced that the South Africans are actually North Indian taxi-drivers and Ahmedabad actually falls under the Brihanmumbai or greater Mumbai.

Image: AFP