Had a dead earthworm watched them in Brisbane -- provided dead earthworms can watch and are welcome in Brisbane -- it would have gone home with the conviction that it had more venom than the Aussie attack.
Here is the Doosra report card:
1. Peter Siddle: The first innings hat-trick hero bowled as if England had fielded a different XI in the second. At one point, seemed like scratching Alastair Cook to make sure he wasn't limewashed Lara with a mascara;
2. Mitchell Johnson: Bowled like a man who was doing it only to please his Karateka girlfriend but was not liking offending a resenting mother;
3. Ben Hilfenhaus: Was asked to bowl only because Ponting resented him trousering the envelop without breaking a sweat;
4. Xavier Doherty: Peddled crap, as if bowling to himself;
5. Marcus North: Lacked direction beyond that surname.
6. Shane Watson: Bowled with the air of a man who had fixed a deal with the guy upstairs and was told to just release the ball, leaving rest to Him.