Saturday, 11 September 2010

SCOOP: International Cricket-Stricken Animals’ Conclave

While the chumps in the mainstream media sedulously twiddled their thumbs in the comfort of their air-conditioned offices, Doosra risked life to get you an exclusive.

An agitated herd of angry animals recently had a clandestine meeting where they blasted cricket and cricketers for making their life miserable.

Here are exclusive excerpts from the Inaugural International Cricket-Stricken Animals' Conclave:

1. Crocodile (S Africa): Guys, as you all know, one can't ignore hygiene these days. After you had a sumptuous deer for lunch, all you want is to muse open-mouthed, while those birds clean your teeth. But peace is never on us. Before you know what is what, you suddenly find yourself in a tangle with Dale Steyn, who insists this is the best way to prepare for a series against Australia. I feel like crying but can't because you'd say I'm shedding crocodile tears.

2. Cat (England): Well, I would say physical pain is bearable but what about mental agony? By the way, I’m Max and I die hundred deaths every time I say Graeme Swann owns me. Cops caught the bugger drink-driving and you know what the !@#$%^&* told them? He said he was tight but had to drive to buy a screwdriver and get me out of a trap! Trap my foot, have you heard a sillier excuse?

3. Mosquito(Sri Lanka): I can sympathise with you. Frankly speaking, I've lost my faith in humanity as a whole. I bit Yuvraj Singh the other day and gifted Virat Kohli a place in the playing XI. Well, one does not expect a drop of blood but a word of acknowledgment would surely not have been amiss? But what you get in the pre-match interview? Not a single word of gratitude from Kohli! This new generation, just taking things for granted.

4. Cricket: I seriously feel you guys are overreacting. All you whine about is one-off incident. What about the daily humiliation we go through? Our grasshopper cousins have already started making fun of us. A small cricket is ridiculed as T20, a bigger one called a Test…I wonder what the world is coming to!

5. Cockroach (Mohali): See, I'm not the Paris Hilton type, always publicity-hungry. Apart from occasionally appearing from nowhere to scare the hell out of the girls, we are a self-effacing community. Once I mistaken trod on Chris Broad's food and he made such a hue and cry, mentioning it in the ICC Match Referee's report. It brought so much of unwanted publicity that I had to kiss my private life goodbye.

6. Donkey (Pakistan): Don't you guys think that all these sound simple whining when compared to the treatment we were subjected to? Butt, Asif and Aamer filled their boots and we were pelted! We have been around for donkey’s years but I can tell you we never had to go through such mental agony and physical pain put together.

7. Calf (Ranchi): I can tell you the life of a calf is not an easy one when you live in Ranchi. Do you have any idea how starvation death looms large over our community? And all because Dhoni has got this silly idea in his fat head that he has to guzzle four litter milk a day to stay fit! I hope you don't mind but all these talk of mental agony and unwanted publicity is pure gibberish when the very existence of me and my cousins is at stake.

58 comments:

Govind Raj said...

Som,

This is too much of an imagination by even your own exalted standards.

Really liked the donkey's years !

And BTW...

How about the Kangaroo Court that bug'gered John Howard for ICC top dog post ? After all, he too is around for Donkey's years.

Som said...

Govind, if imagination fed me, I would look like a sumo wrestler:) Inagination is the exercise that staves off mental obesity. Besidses, it's your own world where you set your own rules:)

Guess after I returned midway through that conclave, it was you who sneaked in :)

sunny said...

I totally love this post! You had me smiling big there.

On a more serious note, I think what they're doing with the donkeys is abysmal. I know they aren't the prettiest of animals, but why the heck pelt them with stones? So many Pakistanis use the help of donkeys in earning a living and now they do this...
Sorry for this rant, but I'm one who's a bit concerned with animal rights. :)

Ciao!

Som said...

Sunny, my simple question is why punish a creature for something it has not done? If donkeys are not the prettiest animal so what? At this rate, they would next stone Paris Hilton for something Suresh Kalmadi has done.

BTW, simply love that painting in your blog...Mindblogging...err...
mindboggling!

sunny said...

I was referring to some Pakistani folks' mentality there actually. Donkeys are shown very little compassion and often because they're just taken to be the typical dumb and ugly animal. So the ugliness is taken to be an additional reason to pelt them with stones. Of course no one or no thing should get a punishment it doesn't deserve.

Thanks for that compliment. Luckily someone who doesn't think it's amateurish. :)

Govind Raj said...

Sunny,

I have a serious issue with what you have told. What are our qualifications to decide donkeys are not the prettiest of animals. It sounds like racism to me.

Don't mistake me, but I believe Donkey, Crow and like members of the animal kingdom and the world of the winged deserve better !

Govind Raj said...

And Som...

It seems I always happen to sneak in to most of the conclaves after you left. Hope we will manage to meet someday :-)

sunny said...

Govind, I also think these members of the animal kingdom deserve better. I don't consider any animal, or any person for that matter, to be superior than another merely on the basis of looks. That would be racism. I don't think that saying or implying a donkey is uglier than say a peacock is racism. I consider both having equal rights.

My first comment was said with sympathy for donkeys; where I suggested that their looks don't determine your behaviour towards them.

I'm sorry if my comment didn't come across to you as pleasant, I hope I've clarified it a bit.

namya said...

brilliant!!

Govind Raj said...

Sunny,

Dil pe mat le yaar !

We might assassinate people on bytes here on 'Doosra'. But what we never do is take anything seriously.

Why I am such a staunch follower of Doosra is for this simple reason, "Nothing in life is serious enough to take it seriously". Even death and illnesses. Life goes on !

Most of what I write here or anywhere comes with the tongue firmly in cheek. They don't provide any smileys here :-)

I am not a perverted version of male Maneka Gandhi. I love humans and humanity, but not an animal lover. I don't have enough stock of love to share with them !

sunny said...

Gee, thanks Govind. I was already wondering how we started on a donkey-debate. :)
Right point, we should be concerned with humanity first. And I like your philosophy of not taking too much tension.

Btw, I'm not Indian. But no problem, I still managed to understand what that phrase meant. ;)
Have a nice day!

Satrajit said...

the pakistani awaam cd see the face of asif in that donkey!

Som said...

Sunny, I don't think donkeys recently had anyone so vociferously advocating their case! Jokes apart, we are getting crueller every day and the cruelty has got so many manifestations. Sometimes animals are subjected to it, sometime family members/friends/neightbours bear its brunt.

Som said...

Govind, you are Doosra's brand ambasador. It's just that I can't pay you :)

Som said...

Satrajit, Asif is an ass.

Som said...

Satrajit, Asif is an ass.

Soulberry said...

Is that true about Dhoni?

Som said...

Soulberry, I read it too many time to be false. Still good he went the milky way :)

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Som,This is too much of an imagination by even your own exalted standards.Really liked the donkey's years !And BTW...How about the Kangaroo Court that bug'gered John Howard for ICC top dog post ? After all, he too is around for Donkey's years.

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Carl said...

Amazing sort of thoughts given in this blog, and Soory but the thought about Pakistan was absolutely wrong.

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