Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Walker Bhai

Semifinally a good news. Don’t giggle. Semifinally b’coz nothing is final in Pakistan cricket.

Coming to the gully…I mean…coming to the point…Walker Younis is going to be our new coach.

I’m joy. He is the need of the our. I liken Walker Bhai like nobody’s business. What you say in English…yes…we really gel oil.

He told me other day he has GOT three kids. I don’t know where he GOT them. Always thought they were his own. Now seems Walker Bhai adapted those baby Walkers.

By the way, Walker Bhai stays in Sydney. We most-wanted a new coach and we didn’t wanted any bloody outsider. So we got a Sydneysider.

Outsiders are always conspiring to die in a foreign hotel like nobody’s business and bringing us trouble. Woolmer did that. And then Police came like nobody’s business and asked all shorts of incomfortable questions.

I had fed up with old coach. Intikhab Alam was senile like nobody’s business. He forgots everything. He once asked me what happened to my glasses. I showed him my empty pocket and swored at him that I returned my glasses after drinking. Then he said he mistaked me for Zaheer Abbas!

He coached Indian Punjab team in Ranji Trophy. All along thoughting he was coaching Pakistani Punjab team! It is uneasy to share dressing room with such forget fools. So welcome Walker Bhai.

(P.S. I’ll tell Walker Bhai why we are losing like nobody's business. Our board is led by a Butt. Our innings is opened by a Butt. That’s why we always bring up the rear)

Show me a Domenech in cricket!

Son of a Catalan escapee of the Spanish Civil War, Raymone Domenech was known as "Leg-Breaker" for his approach to soccer in general and the Femur, Patella, Tibia and Fibula of the rival strikers in particular.

He is a former theatre actor, fortune-teller, tarot card-reader and happens to be the manager of the French football team who once took Zinedine Zidane & Co to watch Samuel Beckett's play "Endgame" on the eve of an important match.

And he once used a post-match interview to ask his partner to marry him!

So it's probably not surprising that the manager, at 57, managed to inspire a porn actress-turned-singer to record a song -- I Fancy Raymond -- that has become a rage in France.

"And if he attacked my penalty areas I would be without defenders," cooed the cupid-struck singer.

Now sample the lady-killers cricket has to offer.

Gary Kirsten, India: Alas Persis Khambatta is no more, for only Lt Ilia could fall for such baldness. Only redeeming trait is distributing sex dossier among Indian cricketers these days;

Andy Flower, England: Has a feminine facade. Was a wicket-keeper, which means never bowled a maiden over in his entire career, forget evoking a love song from a porn star;

Intikhab Alam, Pakistan: At the young age of 68, he prefers pain-killer, than being lady-killer;

Tim Nielsen, Australia: to start with, you are never sure which way he looks at. And you can’t speak highly of someone who has no qualms about planting his bum on the same seat that has been contaminated by John Buchanan’s posterior;

Mickey Arthur, South Africa: With the name of a cartoon character and an appearance to match, he can’t even complain if a girl comes and takes the Mickey out of him;

Andy Moles, New Zealand: The surname itself speaks the story. He shakes like custard and has a face which excites only anti-obesity campaigners. In fact so fat that you can actually slice him and have two coaches, if you want.

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