PCB wants us to believe that the Greenshirts are basically a cloak-and-dagger society. And that the innocent pastimes of its denizens include spiking each other’s drink, garnishing a teammate’s salad with generous sprinkling of potassium cyanide and frequent negotiations with the upcoming hit-man of the neighbourhood with the photo of a teammate in pocket.
Doosra reveals the actual crimes of the Sullied Seven of Pakistan Cricket and also suggests suitable alternative punishments.
1. Younis Khan:
Crime: Tendency to quit captaincy at the drop of the hat.
Punishment: PCB should once again place the skipper’s cap on his head, having dipped its inside in Fevicol this time.
2. Mohd Yousuf:
Crime: Inability to convert starts into big knocks.
Punishment: Should be forced to keep converting, from Islam to Falun Gong, from Falun Gong to Pow-wow, from Pow-wow to Seicho-no-Ie…the idea is to keep going.
3. Shoaib Malik:
Crime: Lack of commitment.
Punishment: Should be forced to marry, this time in person, the Hyderabadi girl he had once reportedly married over phone before remorselessly selling her down the river. Once you learn the value of commitment in personal life, it automatically spills over to cricket.
4. Rana Naved-ul-Hasan:
Crime: Wearing the ugliest wig in cricket.
Punishment: Should be made to share a dormitory with Lasith Malinga till an inferiority complex gets the better of his sang-froid.
5. Shahid Afridi:
Crime: Borrowing opium from Asif that led to a hallucination in which a cricket ball appeared as an apple.
Punishment: His daily net session should begin with 500mg of unalloyed Tamarind juice, a proved antidote, shoved down his protesting throat.
6. Kamran Akmal:
Crime: Trying to give the impression that orthodontic brace industry simply doesn’t exist in Pakistan.
Punishment: His contract should have an additional clause empowering PCB to use his dental excess for outdoor advertising.
Crime: Putting brotherly love ahead of team interest.
Punishment: Should be asked to memorise the full name of the Fijian cricketer IL Bula and write it 10 times before he is allowed in the nets. (By the way, Bula’s surname is Talebulamainavaleniveivakabulaimainakulalakebalau)