Monday 23 February 2009

Bucknor to go and why you still can’t rejoice

(An open letter to Steve Bucknor, requesting him not to quit)

Dear Mr Bucknor,

Despite knowing well that this act of mine would invite umpteen fatwas and death threats besides casting serious aspersion on my sanity, I take the pain to write to you with a faint hope of being able to convince you not to quit umpiring.

Sir, I know you must be pained by the celebration all around the sub-continent where Talibans, LTTEs, Mujaheedins and Fidayeens have declared ceasefire and joined the euphoria triggered by the news of your imminent retirement.

And I have to admit that yes, the common sanction against coconut – hope you remember your moniker – is finally about to be lifted and SAARC countries are also set to put behind their apprehensions and resume trade with Jamaica once you leave the scene.

Your critics, I must admit they are quite a sizable population, say once you exit, no player would be adjudged OUT for edging in the previous match, World Cup finals would no more be a murky business to be conducted in the dark, Andrew Symonds (i.e. in case he ever picks a bat again) would have only himself to score those runs and East and West may not meet but at least the gap would not increase further.

And then there are others who say to err is human but to steadfastly err is Bucknoresque.

Personally, I would request you not to heed any such nonsense and carry on fingering. You turned a deaf ear to your critics for two long decades. Why allow them a sense of victory now?

Dear Sir, I think I made my point and believe that I have succeeded in my mission to convince you not to go.

If not, then I must tell you the truth. And I hope you can take it.

Dear Sir, you have been a blot on the landscape, a caterpillar in the salad, a fly in the morning cup of tea, a strand of hair in curry, the lone bogey in a rare flawless front nine of a scratch golfer…And your post-retirement plan to groom umpires has scared the hell out of us.

We consistently believed one Bucknor was bad enough for cricket. You read it right, Sir.

Sorry Sir, but we simply can’t encourage umpiring decision, often seeped in prejudice, to carry over to the next match.

Yours sincerely

Som of Doosra

Pix: Reuters


Anonymous said...

You deserve a medal for that post Som, there's coffee all over my keyboard now. The blithering idiot has finally decided to hang his boots but there's one final sting in the tail.
P.S: Regarding coconut, are you referring to the incident in the '96 world cup where a batsman smashed the ball straight to square leg and it ricocheted off the ump's head to Shastri's line "That has got him straight on the coconut!"? If I remember right the batsman was Richie Richardson and the umpire was either BC Cooray or another Sri Lankan umpire. Please do elaborate on the coconut moniker.

straight point said...

great form SOM!

pity that they will have to bear his brunt for one last time...

me too feeling curious on coconut moniker...

Anonymous said...

Achettup, I'll collect the medal later from you. Make do with the Oscars today.

Yes, I should have elaborated that. Don't go by his complexion, for Bucknor is actually white inside, hence coconut, which has a similarly misleading exterior:) I read it a a couple of times in some reports.

Anonymous said...

SP, one consolation is India has already seen the last of Bucknor.

Soulberry said...

Som, I doubt if any retiring umpire will ever recieve such glowing tributes in such numbers as Steve. Perhaps it signifies the depth of sentiments followers of the game have for him. I'm sure fans would go out of the way to make his retirement as comfortable and interesting as possible.

Soulberry said...

Hey Som, I've read that coconut biz too somewhere. I alluded to the gist at UJ's. I think I recall reading it on one of the three WI forums I used to frequent.

The first time I came across the post it was by someone who appeared to be familiar with Bucknor. He said something like Buckie being actually an Ozzie soul trapped inside a WIan corpse like a coconut. Hard to the shell-like and soft to the kernel like.

It is rumored that Bucknor's most secret desire was to be reborn as an Ozzie, blonde curls and all.

Dunno how much of that was true though.

Anonymous said...

Soulberry, I believe Bucknor and Symonds were siamese twins in previous life.

Anonymous said...

Doosra indeed! Priceless! Cheers!

Anonymous said...

VM, thanks and Cheers:)

Maithreyi said...

Good one.

A little Wodehousian touch in the middle. Well played.

Anonymous said...

Maithreyi, thanks. But I didn't mention anywhere that I'm actually just through with Woodehouse's fiorst set of golf stories and started the second!!!Dangerous:) And thanks.