If state transport buses had something like in-flight announcement

Dear passengers, we welcome you on board, on rooftop and on footboard of this State Transport Corporation bus.

Today your driver is Mahadev Singh, who spat gutkha juice out of the window and is currently exchanging expletives with the person he smeared with the jet.

I'm your conductor Bhola Singh, with a rolled hanky under the collar. Please tender exact fare.

We will complete this 20 KM journey in about one hour and 45 minutes, provided we survive detours, demonstrations, breakdowns, road rages, accidents and arson by agitators.

We may also reach the final destination in flat 15 minutes, provided we have a bus of the same route number hot on our heels.

In that case, you may have to get down at a destination of our choice, kindly cooperate. Also, chances are we might have to offload you bang in the middle of the road. Make sure you don't get run over by traffic from behind, just to give us a bad name.

This vehicle, which was serviced last in the 15th century, has one front door and there's another at the back. In case of emergency, the resulting stampede is likely to take you near the door. Again, try not to fall and get trampled on by fellow passengers just to give us a bad name.

In case the air inside gets fetid, kindly look at everyone suspiciously and accusingly even if you're the culprit.

Those standing, kindly hold on to the strap overhead. If you're vertically challenged, you can also grab someone's bag straps, and anything for that matter, to maintain balance. Everything is fair in love, war and state transport buses.

Remember inside the bus, you can get away with anything by just saying 'sorry'. So, if you have just crushed someone under your feet, be nice and say 'sorry'.

Also remember, getting toes squashed is commonplace, so kindly don't blow it out of proportion.

For those lucky enough to get seat, remember there will never be a consensus on how much the window should be kept open. Views will differ, so wait until the other guy has dozed off before you can quietly adjust the window to your liking.

Remember, buying ticket is not optional, though your conductor Bhola Singh, with a rolled hanky under my collar, is open to negotiations.

Currently we're moving at a break-neck speed of 500 cm/hour, which is roughly the speed of an arthritic snail which has just undergone a knee cap replacement. This is due to a marriage procession ahead of us. You'd probably be tempted to slap the groom on horse once he's under your window but we advise utmost caution.

For those sitting on the right, the view may not rival the grandeur of pyramids in Egypt but you can look out of your window and marvel at the splendid pile of municipal garbage. If you feel like puking, kindly stick your head out but make sure you don’t get your head smashed by an overtaking bus. It would give us a bad name.

Those on the left need not despair. Thanks to the jam, you’re strategically positioned to appreciate the overflowing public convenience just outside your window. If you feel like fainting, do intimate the fellow passengers.

Meanwhile, our checkers will soon begin ticket inspection. If you haven’t bought your tickets yet, you may end up paying double the money as bribe to get away from their clutches. I can give you a better deal, so contact your conductor Bhola Singh, with a rolled hanky under the collar.

Ladies and gentlemen, we’re finally about to reach the destination. We appreciate you had many choices but you still decided to suffer at our hands.

On behalf of driver Mahadev Singh and conductor Bhola Singh with a rolled hanky under collar, we hope to serve you again.

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