7 Reactions To Lance Armstrong’s Dope Confession!

1. Swamutra is the best performance-enhancing substance and it's not on WADA list of banned drugs either. Lance should have come to me ~ Swami Agnivesh.

2. Neil Armstrong's confession saddens me and I strongly condemn it. Even Hina Rabbani Khar would agree with me ~ SM Krishna.

3. I always had doubts about him. He cycles faster than my deliveries! ~ Irfan Pathan.

4. I think Lance Armstrong has been targetted. I tell you this performance-enhancing drug is a hoax. I took them myself and my acting never improved ~ Tusshar Kapoor.

5. Who needs dope Tamanna? Mere paas to performance enhance karne ka aur do-do ideas hai ~ Virat Kohli.

6. I always had my suspicion. His bike always looked dented and painted ~ Abhijit Mukherjee.

7. Culprits would be brought to the book. Theek Hai? ~ PM.

Doosra Annual Awards 2012

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Award Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ok, without testing your patience, here are the annual gongs and the winners:

1. Bollywood Balloon D’or: Vidya Balloon Balan.

2. DNA Father of the Nation: N D Tiwary.

3. Olympian of the Year: Madhura Honey. Ok, Nagendra.

4. Nephew of the Year: Suresh Raina’s nephew.

5. Athlete of the Year: Baba Ramdev, for his national record-bettering high-jump at Ramlila Ground.

6. Alternative Beverage Promotion Society’s Man of the Year: Swami Agnivesh for pioneering Swamutra.

7. Driver of the Year: Nitin Gadkari's driver. Special jury award to Abhishek Manu Singhvi's driver.

8. Cliche Oscar: The contest went down to the wire but in the end, Ravi Shastri was the real winner. He received a trace-bullet shaped trophy from beaten finalist Navjot Sidhu.

9. Hearing Aid Manufacturer Association Citation: Arnab Goswami

10. Vowel Promotion Society's Personality of the Year: Tusshar Kapoor for confining his on-screen eloquence to a-e-i-o-u.

11. Wooer of the Year: Virat Kohli. Always armed with two ladki-patanewala ideas.

12. Bollywood Debutante of the Year: Aaradhya Bachchan. She already has as many hits as Esha Deol had in her entire career.

13. Indian Grooms Association's Appreciation Medal: Siddharth Mallya for his seminal work on Ideal Future Wife.

14: Girlfriend Valuer of the Year: Narendra Modi for calling Sunanda Pushkar Shashi Tharoor’s Rs 50 crore girlfriend.

15. Gurgaon Fruit Seller Association's Man of the Year: Robert Vadra for his "mango people in banana republic" post.

(P.S.
Doosra Annual Award 2008
Doosra Annual Award 2009
Doosra Annual Awards 2010)

7 Reactions To Ricky Ponting's Retirement

1. Kapil Sibal: CAG trying to exaggerate the impact of his retirement. It’s completely insignificant. Zero loss to international cricket;

2. Prime Minister: I assure the nation, the culprits would be brought to book.

3. Meira Kumar: No standing ovation please. Please baith jaiyye, shaant ho jaiyye.

4. SM Krishna: Ricky Martin's retirement is a great loss to international cricket. Even Hina would agree with me.

5. Sushma Swaraj: Motamaal kamaya hoga. No need to get unnecessarily sentimental.

6. Shahid Afridi: As a veteran, I'd say occasional retirement is good for health but he shouldn't overdo it.

7. Manish Tiwari: A prolific batsman! Arrey woh aadmi to khud sar-se-pao tak run me duba hua hai!

EXCLUSIVE: The Real Reason Behind Bachchan-Gandhi Split

Rajiv Gandhi: So you won't budge?
Amitabh Bachchan: Budge? How can you even think of that?
RG: You forgot the days we spent together right from Doon school?
AB: Of course not!
RG: You forgot those proxies and everything else that I did for you?
AB: As if I did not!
RG: No, I mean both of us did.
AB: Then?
RG: Then what? You can't do such a simple thing for your Bhabi?
AB: Bud, it's impossible.
RG: Why? You are a superstar! You can dictate the director or the producer!
AB: It doesn't work like that in Bollywood, why don't you understand?
RG: You mean you won't change it?
AB: Chum, listen, don't be foolish.
RG: You can't do this simple act to please your bhabi?
AB: No, I can't.
RG: So the film title remains "Aakhree Rasta"?
AB: Yes, it remains "Aakhree Rasta".
RG: And you can't make it "Aakhree Pasta" to please your Bhabi? Just a matter of changing one letter?
AB: I'm sorry I can't.
RG: Well mate, you lost me there. I guess that's it then. Our paths part from here and they they never cross again.
AB: But..hell...listen...
RG: Thanks for the memories bud, bye.

Pix: www.indiatoday.intoday.in

10 Mahabharata One-Liners You Didn't Know

1. Excuse me, thoda kum nahi ho sakta? ~ Draupadi when told she'd have to marry all 5 Pandavas.

2. Rest in Piece ~ Bhim after splitting Jarasandha into two;

3. Mujh par ek ehsaan karna, ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karna ~ Karna, rejecting Kunti's offer to switch loyalty.

4. Mere Karna-Arjun ayenge, zaroor ayenge ~ Kunti in her dream.

5. Bhaiyya, aapke mobile pe tower hai? ~ Arjun asking Yudhisthi during Vanvaas.

6. Don't be a sissy. Just Do It ~ Krishna after his Gita harangue failed to instigate Arjun's killer instinct.

7. Kutte, kaminey, mai tera khoon pi jaunga ~ Bhim, before killing Dushasana.

8. Nakul, you idiot, dial 101 before uploading pictures on Facebook ~ Yudhisthir after Jatugriha caught fire.

9. Prabhu, zara 'Tera Suroor' bajake sunaiyye na ~ Radha to Krishna.

10. Salaa, aaj hi stepney bhool gaya ~ Karna when his chariot got stuck at Kurukshetra.

7 Ramayana One-Liners You Didn't Know!

1. Kitna deti hai? ~ Jatayu to Ravan after taking a look at Pushpak Rath;

2. Prabhu Burnol Hoga? ~ Hanuman to Ram after setting Lanka ablaze;

3. Single? Ready to Mingle? ~ Shurpanakha to Lakshman;

4. Dreamum Wake Upum Critical Conditionum ~ Meghnad to Kumbhakarna, trying to wake him up;

5. Agar chayn se sona hai to jago ~ Ravan to Kumbhakarna.

6. Bandar, kela khayega? ~ Meghnad to Hanuman.

7. Kripya kursi ki peti baandh le ~ Ravan to sita, on board Pushpak Rath.

EXCLUSIVE: Eyewitness Account of Saifeena Marriage!

Thumb-twiddling is an exercise not without its charms but then there are times when you have to put behind such simple pleasures of life and dirty your hands.

Which Doosra dutifully did, to get you an eyewitness’ account of Saif Ali Khan’s marriage with Kareena Kapoor.

Initially, I tried to gatecrashed into the party, shrewdly disguised as myself but the security guards proved smarter than I had assumed and won’t let me in.

I said I’m Rahul Gandhi and they laughed hysterically, pointing out the vital flaw in my concocted story - that it was not a Dalit household.

Before I could say even Gadkari, I found myself precariously close to the gutter, having been kicked out by those security guards.

Another couple of inches and I’d have ended up one of the guttersnipes Salman Khurshid enlightened us about.

To cut a long story short, I buttonholed a funny looking bird coming out of the party and he shared the details, speaking strictly on condition of anonymity and a non-refundable loan of Rs 50.

Below are the excerpts:

Doosra: So the marriage went off well?

Guest: Well! Lot of drama, man. Kareena wasn’t willing for a Nikah. She insisted a court marriage was enough.

Doosra: What! So, how did they convince her?

Guest: Convince? My size 8 foot! She’s quite headstrong and won’t budge. Fortunately Sharmila Madam had an idea. She spread out a map of Afghanistan in front of Kareena, put a finger on the capital and asked Kareena “Kya Hai?” Kareena thought she was testing her geography and smartly said: “Kabul Hai.” Qazi saab promptly announced them a couple!

Doosra: Oh boy! What drama!

Guest: Drama! Real drama was when Maneka Gandhi got into a fight with Dharmendra.

Doosra: Maneka Gandhi? She was invited too?

Guest: Can’t say if was invited, but was there. A catering guy asked Dharam paaji if he’d like some drinks when paaji saw a stray dog and screamed “Kuttey, kamine mai tera khoon pi jaunga.” Maneka ji sprang from her seat and got into a nasty argument, threatening to unleash some 500 mongrels on paaji before they pacified her.

Doosra: Good lord! Then?

Guest: Then what? Dharamji went to Dharamsala...

Doosra: Dharam ji left the party and went to Dharamsala!

Guest: Moron, I meant Dharam ji went to where his sala, I mean brother-in-law, was sitting and both started drinking as if there’s no tomorrow.

Doosra: Think I saw Salman Khan inside?

Guest: Oh yes, Bhai was there but you know how he emotional he is. Asked why Tiger Pataudi wasn’t around. We told him Tiger saab passed away and he went on mumbling Ek Tha Tiger...Ek Tha Tiger...

Doosra: What!

Guest: Yes, only once he came out of that trance. Told you Dharam paaji and his brother-in-law had exhausted drinks. When one of the catering guys offered Bhai a bottle he had kept for himself, bhai thundered: “Mujh par ek ehsaan karna ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karma.”

Doosra: Oh boy! What about Saif’s family? I mean his sisters?

Guest: Soha and Saba were busy counting pressure cookers, dinner sets etc. Those who gave only bouquet didn’t have boondi in their boondi raita.

Doosra: What about other celebrities who attended the party?

Guest: Got another 50 rupee note?

Doosra: Yes, but I need it to return home.

Guest: Go chase yourself, you @#$%^&.