Which Doosra dutifully did, to get you an eyewitness’ account of Saif Ali Khan’s marriage with Kareena Kapoor.
Initially, I tried to gatecrashed into the party, shrewdly disguised as myself but the security guards proved smarter than I had assumed and won’t let me in.
I said I’m Rahul Gandhi and they laughed hysterically, pointing out the vital flaw in my concocted story - that it was not a Dalit household.
Before I could say even Gadkari, I found myself precariously close to the gutter, having been kicked out by those security guards.
Another couple of inches and I’d have ended up one of the guttersnipes Salman Khurshid enlightened us about.
To cut a long story short, I buttonholed a funny looking bird coming out of the party and he shared the details, speaking strictly on condition of anonymity and a non-refundable loan of Rs 50.
Below are the excerpts:
Doosra: So the marriage went off well?
Guest: Well! Lot of drama, man. Kareena wasn’t willing for a Nikah. She insisted a court marriage was enough.
Doosra: What! So, how did they convince her?
Guest: Convince? My size 8 foot! She’s quite headstrong and won’t budge. Fortunately Sharmila Madam had an idea. She spread out a map of Afghanistan in front of Kareena, put a finger on the capital and asked Kareena “Kya Hai?” Kareena thought she was testing her geography and smartly said: “Kabul Hai.” Qazi saab promptly announced them a couple!
Doosra: Oh boy! What drama!
Guest: Drama! Real drama was when Maneka Gandhi got into a fight with Dharmendra.
Doosra: Maneka Gandhi? She was invited too?
Guest: Can’t say if was invited, but was there. A catering guy asked Dharam paaji if he’d like some drinks when paaji saw a stray dog and screamed “Kuttey, kamine mai tera khoon pi jaunga.” Maneka ji sprang from her seat and got into a nasty argument, threatening to unleash some 500 mongrels on paaji before they pacified her.
Doosra: Good lord! Then?
Guest: Then what? Dharamji went to Dharamsala...
Doosra: Dharam ji left the party and went to Dharamsala!
Guest: Moron, I meant Dharam ji went to where his sala, I mean brother-in-law, was sitting and both started drinking as if there’s no tomorrow.
Doosra: Think I saw Salman Khan inside?
Guest: Oh yes, Bhai was there but you know how he emotional he is. Asked why Tiger Pataudi wasn’t around. We told him Tiger saab passed away and he went on mumbling Ek Tha Tiger...Ek Tha Tiger...
Guest: Yes, only once he came out of that trance. Told you Dharam paaji and his brother-in-law had exhausted drinks. When one of the catering guys offered Bhai a bottle he had kept for himself, bhai thundered: “Mujh par ek ehsaan karna ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karma.”
Doosra: Oh boy! What about Saif’s family? I mean his sisters?
Guest: Soha and Saba were busy counting pressure cookers, dinner sets etc. Those who gave only bouquet didn’t have boondi in their boondi raita.
Doosra: What about other celebrities who attended the party?
Guest: Got another 50 rupee note?
Doosra: Yes, but I need it to return home.
Guest: Go chase yourself, you @#$%^&.