Doosra Annual Awards 2013

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Awards Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, here are the annual gongs:

1. Innocent Lambs of The Year: Mumbai Police. Entire world, and some even in Mars, knows who was driving the Aston Martin, except Mumbai cops.

2. Friendly Politician of the Year: Narendra Modi. "Mitron..."

3. Political Astronomer of the Year: Rahul Gandhi. For suggesting Dalits need Jupiter's escape velocity to escape from Mayawati's clutch and succeed.

4. Pontificating Ponytail of the Year: Tarun Tejpal. He recused himself from the award ceremony, preferring prolonged laceration instead in a Goa jail.

5. Padma Bibhishan: Preet Bahara. The alacrity with which he handled the Devyani Khobragde case will give inferiority complex even to the younger sibling of the Lanka king from Ramayan.

6. Larynx of the Nation: Arnab Goswami. NASA has confirmed his is the only human voice audible even from outer world.

7. Sulabh Irrigation Idea of the Year: Ajit Pawar. For this radical suggestion of filling empty dams.

8. Jai Mata Di Scientist of the Year: ISRO chief K Radhakrishnan. For visiting Balaji temple to seek blessing for India’s Mars orbiter.

9. Retiree of the Year: Sorry to disappoint Sachin Tendulkar fans, it’s Uday Chopra. His decision to quit acting has plunged Pluto into great depression while his female fans in Mars, unable to bear the truth, refused breakfast.

10. Indian Domestic Help Association's Shiney Ahuja Medal: Devyani Khobragade for her treatment of Sangeeta Richard.

11. Bollywood Parole Model of the Year: Sanjay Dutt, for flying in and out of jail as and when he wishes.

12. Pathetic Pinocchio of the Year: Akhilesh Yadav, for presiding over UP riots and showing Nero's sensitivity when Rome burnt.

13. Ideal Father-in-law of the Year: N Srinivasan, for protecting G Meiyappan with the kind of ferocity that has set the bar higher for all pa-in-laws under the sun.

14. National Beans Spiller: Karan Johar. Latest data suggest more people consumed coffee at ‘Koffee With Karan’ than in CCD and Costa Café put together.

15. Goldie Bail Medal: Baba Ramdev’s Patanjali Yogpeeth which found gold in cow urine. Bappi Lahiri regrets buying 400 cows in hurry and is apparently planning to sue Ramdev for misleading gullible public.

Doosra Annual Awards 2012

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Award Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ok, without testing your patience, here are the annual gongs and the winners:

1. Bollywood Balloon D’or: Vidya Balloon Balan.

2. DNA Father of the Nation: N D Tiwary.

3. Olympian of the Year: Madhura Honey. Ok, Nagendra.

4. Nephew of the Year: Suresh Raina’s nephew.

5. Athlete of the Year: Baba Ramdev, for his national record-bettering high-jump at Ramlila Ground.

6. Alternative Beverage Promotion Society’s Man of the Year: Swami Agnivesh for pioneering Swamutra.

7. Driver of the Year: Nitin Gadkari's driver. Special jury award to Abhishek Manu Singhvi's driver.

8. Cliche Oscar: The contest went down to the wire but in the end, Ravi Shastri was the real winner. He received a trace-bullet shaped trophy from beaten finalist Navjot Sidhu.

9. Hearing Aid Manufacturer Association Citation: Arnab Goswami

10. Vowel Promotion Society's Personality of the Year: Tusshar Kapoor for confining his on-screen eloquence to a-e-i-o-u.

11. Wooer of the Year: Virat Kohli. Always armed with two ladki-patanewala ideas.

12. Bollywood Debutante of the Year: Aaradhya Bachchan. She already has as many hits as Esha Deol had in her entire career.

13. Indian Grooms Association's Appreciation Medal: Siddharth Mallya for his seminal work on Ideal Future Wife.

14: Girlfriend Valuer of the Year: Narendra Modi for calling Sunanda Pushkar Shashi Tharoor’s Rs 50 crore girlfriend.

15. Gurgaon Fruit Seller Association's Man of the Year: Robert Vadra for his "mango people in banana republic" post.

(P.S.
Doosra Annual Award 2008
Doosra Annual Award 2009
Doosra Annual Awards 2010)

The Real Story Behind Baba Ramdev’s Meeting With Sharad Pawar

Hear it here first!

Baba Ramdev is buying an IPL franchise and that’s the precise reason he met ICC boss Sharad Pawar.

Don’t trust the chumps in mainstream media. They got it completely wrong, misled probably by the fact that Pawar, in between ICC meetings, also happens to be the agriculture minister.

Unlike Nitin Gadkari, Pawar didn’t touch Ramdev’s feet. It was a shrewd opening move by the Marathi strongman that forced Baba into an immediate introspection.

"Do I really have stinking feet?” Ramdev would occasionally mumble throughout the meeting.

For some strange reason, Gadkari derived such a superiority complex out of it that the BJP chief was sighted running around his Nagpur residence screaming “Pawar can’t bend! I’m fitter than Pawar”.

Well, below is the excerpt of what transpired between Pawar and Ramdev:

Pawar: Welcome Ramdev ji. Hey! What’s that? Don’t wink at the maid!

Ramdev: Sorry, Pawar ji. Don’t get me wrong. This is something I can’t help. Completely unintentional you know.

Pawar: Whatever. You don’t know how tough it’s these days to get another maid. Anyway, how come you are here?

Ramdev: Pawar ji, I want to buy an IPL team.

Pawar: But I’m not sure they want another franchise.

Ramdev: Pawar ji, there’s nothing you can’t do. I have even decided the name of my team.

Pawar: And what’s that?

Ramdev: Patanjali Panthers! Awesome, isn’t it? Of course ToI may still call it Team Haridwar. I have already identified players for my team.

Pawar: And they are?

Ramdev: Well, Hashim Amla has to be the captain and Mohd Yusuf his deputy. See, I want it to be a team of bearded players. By the way, is WG Grace available?

Pawar: But are there enough bearded players?

Ramdev: If not, we’d identify local talents and groom them. Their beard to be precise. Jawed Habib will join the support staff soon. In fact, I’m thinking of having beard-linked bonus clause in their contract.

Pawar: But Ramdev ji, IPL is sports and entertainment. It’s like showbusiness with cheerleaders etc. Are you fine with it?

Ramdev: You hurt me Pawar ji. What do you think of me? We too would have cheerleaders.

Pawar: Oh, really?

Ramdev: Of course! We’d slightly tweak the concept and have cheerleader bhaiyyas, wearing borrowed salwar kameez.

Pawar: Oh yes. I should have imagined it.

Ramdev: After every boundary hit by our players, cheerleader bhaiyyas would do Kapalbhati while every dismissal of the rival batsmen would trigger mass anulom-vilom!

Pawar: Good lord! But to be honest Ramdev ji, I’ve washed my hands of cricket and you better get in touch with IPL guys.

Ramdev: I know you have but I also know there’s nothing you can’t do.

Pawar: Ok, I’ll help you. But what we tell the reporters now?

Ramdev: Don’t worry Pawar ji. I’ll repeat that black-money thing. And we’d hug each other before the camera. Done?

Pawar: (Reluctantly) I guess I have to. Why don’t you wax your chest? Ok, ok, stop anuloming-viloming. Was just kidding. Let's go and meet the press.

Chappell's likely successors!

So India has already played the last match under Guru Greg, apparently so. If media reports are to be believed, Chappell can forget about an extension and rather pack his bag and board the first Qantas flight home.

So, who should take the hot seat now? I have some names in my mind, BCCI would do well to have a dekko at it. This is an open-end list, feel free to nominate yours.

1. Swami Ramdev: A popular, and hence not necessarily valid, view has been that endorsement has become a huge distraction and the cricketers simply have lost focus. And to right that wrong, you can’t have a better choice than Ramdev. He is no alien to cricket and he in fact had advised the players to practice Yoga before the World Cup. Dravid’s men must have ignored it and paying the price for ignoring his divine formula. At least one Team India member has been spotted visiting him once why don’t Dravid, Tendulkar, Ganguly and Yuvraj follow Dhoni? So, bye bye push-ups and welcome pranayam.

2. Lalu Prasad: So what if he messed up Bihar? See how he turned that Great Indian White Elephant, the Indian Railway, into a profit-making juggernaut. These days Mr Prasad is a sought after name even in the IIMs and Harvards. And he apparently believes he can player better than the Men in Blue. He heads Bihar cricket Association and his son, Tejaswi, has represented Delhi in Polly Umrigarh trophy. Enough link with the game, isn’t it? And haven’t you heard of railway coaches? If he can script a turnaround in Railway’s fate, what’s the heck is this cricket team?

3. Sonia Gandhi: Agreed Italy is more known for Pizza, Pasta, Leaning Tower, Don Corleon and a certain Marco Materazzi. Also agreed that so far, no Italian has ever been accused of being sighted in and around any cricket stadium. But just see how she’s running the Great Indian Coalition Show. She picked a compliant, acceptable captain to

lead a team which has its fair share of in-fighting but overall, it’s producing the results. She belongs to the Bennette King genre. King never played first class cricket and yet went on to coach West Indies in the World Cup. Madam fits the bill to the T.

4. Greg Chappell Again: Read it right. Journalists and fans across the country owe him a drink. Spat with Ganguly, middle-fingering Kolkata, showing how e-mail and SMS can be used to deadly effect and devaluing phrases like “means-over-outcome”, “experimentation” etc. Indian cricket won’t be the same once he departs.