7 reasons why Bangalore Royal Challengers won’t win IPL II

1. Spirit is volatile and it doesn’t last the whole nine yards;

2. Vijay Mallya has got the right men but in wrong places. For instance, Adrian Sutil spins more than Anil Kumble, while Rahul Dravid drives better than Giancarlo Fisichella;

3. You don’t open a cola bottle with Praveen Kumar but BRC can open their batting with him!

4. Ray Jennings has complained to Mallya that Jesse Ryder has not attended a single net session and is often spotted flirting with a particular Mischief Gal;

5. BRC looked a Test team in IPL I and resembles an ODI outfit in IPL II. In other words, the T20 metamorphosis is still some distance away;

6. Virat Kohli has an ego problem with spinning balls;

7. Business magnates have a penchant for bouncing cricketers’ WAGs on their knees – medics call it Stanford Syndrome -- and that explains the hurry of the BRC players to return to the pavilion.

WHODUNNIT!

So cricket got its own Ben Johnson. Of course this is not the first time. Remember how we had to digest a World Cup sans Shane Warne? And a Champions Trophy without Shoaib Akhtar and Mohd Asif?

But then what’s World Cup or Champions Trophy vis-à-vis IPL? These are mere bagatelles, compared to the blockbuster that IPL is -- a veritable cricket Olympic with a slightly altered view on its frequency. Industrial baron Lalit Modi is cricket’s answer to Baron de Coubertin.

While IPL fountainheads are yet to lay all the cards on the table, the million dollar question is whose sample proved positive? Doosra looks at the options.

1. Shane Warne: Sick and tired of dal-bati-churma, Rajasthan’s Most Famous Son (he beat Greg Chappell in a photo finish) sent an SOS-SMS from his legendary cell phone (which has scalped as many victims, especially plump English nurses, as the spinner himself) to cricket’s second most famous mother (after Jane Boycott). Soon flew in a Qantas-load of baked beans and a familiar jar. Well, the Australian’s doting German mother thought his son was through with international cricket, so why care? After all, mom’s love knows no bound, WADA or not.

2. Shoaib Akhtar: Well, how else you expect a thirtysomething pacer to react after he is slapped a five-year ban? The ban simply left him fuming and smoking. The fault anyway lies with the appellate tribunal which still contrived a way to allow him grace the IPL when he was least expecting it.

3. PCB Appellate Tribunal Members: Even Shoaib Akhtar vouches they hardly looked in their senses when they waved the green signal for the Rawalpindi Express to chug into IPL.

4. Vijay Mallya: Even the cruellest of hearts would admit that the thrashing which the Bangalore Royal Challengers were receiving with an alarming regularity was reason enough to escape from harsh realities and hallucinate .

5. Lalit Modi: Mr Mint-in-Suit, are you sure it's not yours? After all, old habits, they say, die hard.

Will Pak players raise their hands, please?

Now that IPL is in its adolescence, stock-taking seems an irresistible idea. But hang on, will the Pakistani players please raise their hands, and possibly their game too?

Intriguingly, the T20 World Cup finalists have not set the IPL alight. On the contrary, barring the possible exception of Asif, none of the Pakistani players pass muster. What happened to the T20 World Cup finalists?

If headline-hogging is made the yardstick, I think the only Pakistani who really made some mark is Shoaib ‘Will-He-Won’t-He’ Akhtar.

Let’s delve into the details on a case-by-case, and occasionally nutcase-by-nutcase, basis.

Among the KKR trio, Salman Butt got a look-in against Rajasthan but the sight of Sohail Tanveer probably made him emotional and he could not deny the fellow Pakistani a wicket. No wonder Butt made all the effort to drag the ball onto his stumps.

To be fair, Butt still can lay a legitimate claim that he did not get enough matches, an excuse Mohammad Hafeez can’t afford. Four matches and the Pakistani young gun is still firing blank.

Worst is the case with Umar Gul, who clearly shot himself in the foot with his candour that Ganguly has miles to go before he can replicate his success as India’s ODI and Test captain in this format. Criticising your own skipper, especially when he’s struggling to digest a hat-trick of defeats, doesn’t make Gul an ideal candidate for any diplomatic job but my suspicion is he wanted to prove that post-retirement, he is a commentator material.

Meanwhile, of the Rajasthan Royals trio, Younis Khan is phantom, while Kamran Akmal’s contribution hardly goes beyond his toothy appeal. No wonder Tanveer is wearing a smug smile.

In the Delhi Daredevils camp, Shoaib Malik has been cagey and he treats every bowler as if his alleged Indian father-in-law. Asif, on his part, looks shrinking under Glenn McGrath’s widening shadow.

And no prize for guessing who takes the cake. We have seen enough mopping of hair. Can we have some action, please, Afridi?

But you can’t really fault Misbah if he looks a miserable misanthropist. As someone pointed out, he’s the guy behind the razzmatazz. Had he not scooped that shot in the T20 World Cup final, had not India won the title, had it not triggered frenzy in India, IPL would not have been a reality after all.

But such is the plight of the Bangalore Royal Challengers – no prize for guessing Charu Sharma is their CEO – that they had to bench Misbah. Now that Ross Taylor is gone, Misbah gets his rightful place and I feel he might turn out to be Pakistan’s redemption man.

Image: AFP

The Roundhead in oversized Cavalier’s guise

If there was a singularly poignant moment in last night’s Kolkata Knight Riders-Bangalore Royal Challengers encounter, it was the seventh ball of the Bangalore innings when Kolkata’s adopted son Ishant Sharma pegged back base of Rahul Dravid’s middle and off-stumps.

I’m afraid, apart from the money, Dravid probably has nothing to gain from the IPL. On the contrary, he has put his hard-earned reputation on the line. I pray he escapes unscathed six weeks from now, even though only an incurably optimist can actually expect so.

Dravid had the prudence to pull out of the Twenty20 World Cup. Alas, a similar sagacity eluded him this time. Was it money that cluttered his mind and denied him the clarity that Twenty20 is not his cup of tea but it surely can be his potential cup of woes? Or he just did not want to miss out on being part of the razzmatazz? Whatever be the reason, Dravid volunteered to be part of something which is so in contrast with his technique and temperament.

For someone whose personality found magnificent manifestation over the five days of a Test match, Dravid made a colossal mistake by hoping to thrive in the ephemerality of Twenty20.

And it did not take him long to realize what he was in for. He must have shrunk in horror when Brendon McCullum top edged Zaheer Khan and instead of finding any of the slip fielders, the ball went soaring over third man for a six. That shot perfectly captured the essence of Twenty20 and the purist in Dravid must have been shaken in his boot by the outrage.

I’m afraid, Twenty20 brings with it a new set of crowd, who throng the ground expecting to see a bowlers’ bloodbath, completely devoid of sympathy for anyone. Their patience fast wear thin and they can garland and guillotine a player with the same fervour. “Can’t hit the bowler out of the park? Budge off you bungler, let the next guy come in.”

I’m not the one who would like to see him being booed and barracked. He does not deserve that. But if that happens, Dravid would surely concede it was his own making.

Image: AFP