Afridi’s Secret Diary: My heart is bloody!

I’m totally offset and my heart is bloody like nobody’s business. I know sometimes you win, sometimes others loos. But wherever I think of T20 World Cup, my blood boils.

I knowed we are going to loos when I spoked a speech before the tournament. Been the captain, I told the boys ‘We Can Do It’. I said there is no IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary.

And you know what they said?

Our Board gave us a packet dictionary, saying it would help us to batter our English. Aamer looked at his dictionary and said it had the word “Impossible”. Ajmal said his book also had it too.

Salman Butt reads those defective stories and behaviours as if he is that Homes…what is the name? yes…Shylock. Shylock Homes. Salman said he can explain why it was not in my dictionary. He said Asif probably teared the ‘I’ page, rolled some powder in it and snorted it. 

Kamran Akmal said actually the shopkeeper foolished me and said he would come with me if he denies to agree to change the book.

It was there four that I lost my temperature. Such morons, not knowing simple English and creating generation gaps like nobody’s business!

Our coach Walker Bhai also lost temperature like nobody’s business. He is a total stranger you know, speaking strange things all the time.

First he said we should do some sole-searching. I don’t know why he spoked so. Still we searched each other’s sole. Showed him there was no nail and don’t knowed why he got angry and called us unspeakables like nobody’s business.

Then he spoked we should put our best foot forward. I said “But then all the batsmen will get LBW”. He again told me bad abuses like nobody’s business.

One more think I can share you. Walker Bhai nearly fixed the hole tournament!
He said “We will have to win it at any cost”! I asked “Walker Bhai, how many is the cost? Have you spoked to other teams and fixed their price?”

I don’t know why he said me badder abuses and threw his chappal at me like nobody’s business. Fortunately it was old, so it reverse-swung and I escapaded.

Thanks Patrick, no kidding!

I always had this sneaking suspicion about Patrick Kidd.

That he is a sound egg, all virtues and no vices.

When he steps out of house, he daily thrusts a coin into the palm of a waiting beggar, pats him on the back and advises him not to waste it on drink.

In the bus, he vacates seats for elderly men and women, never jumps signal, stands patiently in queues, as and when he is in a queue, and goes about spreading light and sweetness.

Strain your eyes and you might see something around his head which you are not sure if it’s not a halo.

Goad me a little more and I would have a lump in my throat.

Well, to cut a long story short, Patrick Kidd (the Don Bradman of cricket writing) of ‘The Times’ (the Don Corleone of newspapers) has concocted a list titled “The world's 50 best cricket websites”.

And it’s the mention of Doosra there that threatens to bring the lump in my throat.

5 reasons why Yuvraj sported that ghastly French Cut in T20 WC

1. He grew it as his first layer of defence against chin music;

2. Family astrologer predicted facial growth would herald an upturn in form;
 
3. To hide the cut marks he sustained during a routine pub brawl;
 
3. Had this gut feeling that India will flop in T20 WC and reckoned beard would come handy to avoid being recognized;
 
5. Square cuts and upper cuts are things of the past. French Cut is all he is left with.

Exclusive: How Lalit Modi was suspended!

(Vijay and Siddharth Mallya suspend Lalit Modi in Monaco)

Well, when you take such an inverse view of things, no wonder all you want is to turn the world upside down. 
 
Pardon the poor quality of the pix. But then, some say, the man is hardly any better.

Pix courtesy: Lalit Modi

7 reasons to denounce T20 WC

1. Any WC with India not in final is racist;

2. Any WC with Pakistan not in final is a BCCI design;

3. Any WC with Australia in final is bigotry;

4. Any WC with England in final is a nihilist anachronism. To be honest, it’s not cricket WC at all. At best, it’s a soccer WC and that too some four-decade old;

5. Any WC with an Australia-England final is actually an Ashes prelude;

6. Any WC where Lalit Modi doesn’t dole out the gongs is rebel;

7. Any WC where Yuvraj has to broker peace in a pub brawl is absurdist.

Mango after Tendulkar, Coriander after Yuvi?

Who says Tendulkars don’t grow on trees?

Thanks to a Lucknow farmer, Tendulkars will not only grow on trees but can also be sliced, juiced and even pickled without inviting homicide charges!

Spending long hours under a scorching Sun can do strange things to farmers and Doosra here puts together a list of 7 cricketers who run the immediate risk of rendering their names to certain floras à la Tendulkar.