Last of the Mohicans

Sourav Ganguly would vouch, Andrew Flintoff often struggled to keep his shirt on.

This time, Freddie sheds flannel to retain pyjama. Test Cricket, on its part, can surely find a lonely, dingy corner and shed a tear or two to mourn the exit of the Last of its Mohicans.

I’m afraid we won’t see his like again. The era of 24-carat all-rounders is just behind us. Welcome to a new world where imposters in the all-rounder’s garb would fool around.

ICC rankings would want us believe Mitchell Johnson is world’s number two all-rounder and Chaminda Vaas ranks fifth. But then ICC’s understanding of the game rivals Paris Hilton’s grasp of rocket science and both come with the unmistakable ‘Not To Be Taken Seriously’ tag.

In his approach, Flintoff was a throwback to an era where the popular notion was that an all-rounder should be good enough to merit two places in the side, one for bowling and another for batting.

Now, take Garfield Sobers out of the action. He could bowl pace and spin, at times both in the same over, keep wicket and then hit a poor Malcolm Nash for six sixes in an over. He could be Clark Kent’s estranged sibling endowed with equal supernatural ability and a markedly better sartorial taste.

Soon after the Kapil-Imran-Botham-Hadlee quartet left the scene, batting pie-chuckers and bowling sloggers thronged the dais and statistics – often confounding than enlightening – were thrown up at regular intervals to prove their all-round credentials.

You don’t have to strain your eyes to see the clowns fooling around. Underneath the garb, Shane Watsons and Yusuf Pathans are essentially bits-and-pieces players of some utility but anything but all-rounders.

Unlike them, Flintoff, in between his injury rehabs, sent down real 90mph thunderbolts from an awkward angle and then returned to wield the willow with impunity.

More importantly, he was match-winner with both.

His foibles only endeared him and make no mistake, it’s people like him who ensured bums on seats.

Above all, Flintoff was the rare flicker of flair in an otherwise mass of mediocrity that is English cricket.

I insist, Test cricket is all about romanticism and if you don’t like, you are free to frequent the nearby Twenty20 circus.

MCC diagnoses Test cricket is dying and their optimism simply baffles me. They might declare Michael Jackson alive!

Pix: PA

Cricket’s immortal Mammals, Aves and Pisces XI

Australian media recently anointed chief selector Andrew Hilditch as cricket’s resident Loch Ness Monster. Reason? Hilditch preferred a beach stroll with his pet dog in Adelaide when Hayden was battling for his career in Sydney. After all, determining Haydo’s future was supposed to be the most important decision of his stint!

As the media pilloried Hilditch, I can see his pet dog acquiring a cult status, apart from a bragging right, in that part of the globe after its picture splashed all over Oz media.

This was precisely the provocation behind drawing up a unique Mammals, Aves and Pisces XI that assumed cricketing immortality over the years.


(Pix: Michael Marschall)

1. Andrew Hilditch’s pet dog: Outgrew former Oz top dog Hayden in stature.

2. The dog that left Hayden with gashed ankle in 2006: The canine attack happened when Hayden was jogging. For record, vets call it Pica, an appetite among the dogs for chewing non-nutritive substance.

3. The Bumble-Frisker of Mohali: The Punjab Police sniffer dog that inspected David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd’s backside in full public view during the India-England Test there last month. Witnesses include yours truly.

4. Clarrie Grimmet’s fox terrier: Played its part in developing 'flipper'. Grimmet would bowl for hours trying to perfect the occult art and the little creature would retrieve the ball. ICC is yet to recognize its contribution.


(Pix)

5. The stuffed sparrow at MCC Museum: In 1936, Jahangir Khan, playing for Cambridge University against MCC, sent down a delivery that hit a sparrow, which fell dead and headed for cricket folklore. The flight of the ball and the bird intercepted somewhere resulting in the mishap, even though Jahangir was a medium pacer and not a spinner.


(Pix: BBC)

6. Double Pigeon Martyrs of Oval: Paul Reiffel and Ajay Jadeja had blood on their hand in that match. Reiffel’s direct throw claimed a pigeon while Jadeja cut a delivery to third man to complete the double during the India-Australia match of the 1999 World Cup.


(Pix: BBC)

7. Guy the Gorilla: Ian Botham earned his nickname from this celebrity resident of the London Zoo in the 1960s-70s.

8. Kapil’s Buffalo: His father bought the buffalo so that Kapil could guzzle gallons of milk and grow strong. No wonder some of his sixes used to vanish in the milky way.


(Pix: Symonds' official website)

9. Fishes that Andrew Symonds caught: Salmon, trout...

10. Cockroaches Chris Broad spotted in Mohali: These little creatures went to find mention in the ICC Match Referee’s report after Broad noticed them in the umpires’ food trolley during the India-Australia Test match in Mohali last year.

11. Bhajji’s monkey: well, this one quite spooky. A ghost like inconclusive thing, with two rival sides frothing at the mouth trying to establish and dismiss its presence in the cantankerous Sydney Test.

On is off, off is on, right or wrong

So here comes the official confirmation -- on his off, off is on, right or wrong.

As Pietersen the peacock goes swaggering around after MCC announces that the touch of madness is actually a stroke of genius, my cynicism hits nadir. Replacing leather-flingers -- already at the receiving end of cricket’s own state-sponsored pogrom -- with bowling machine seems the natural culmination of the process custodian and executives of the game have undertaken.

How else you explain MCC’s willingness to alter LBW and Wide Ball rules just to accommodate one of the most vulgar shots you can come across?

The only plausible logic put forward by the MCC eggheads was that it adds to entertainment. So does recreational drugs and I've Mohd Asif to vouch for that. So?

My sneaking suspicion is MCC’s decision to pander to the hoi polloi stems from its fear of redundancy. After all, cricket’s toothless watchdog is as relevant to the game as UN is to America’s foreign policy.

Consider the bowlers’ plight. Already pushed to the brink, he recalls the batsman’s chink in the armour, sets him up, makes minor field adjustment and then ambles in to bowl that delivery but lo and behold! Every bit of his plan is hit for a six because he did not come prepared to see mirror batting at the other end.

I don’t have problem with Pietersen’s wholesome hatred for tradition. But I don’t either think switch-hitting would make 'The Ego' any better a bat than what he is now. But of course it helps him remain the Prince of Foofaraw, whose coiffeur and cricket would continue to assume equal importance.

My problem is not with the shot, or any shot for that matter. I’m appalled by the sheer readiness of the MCC and ICC to play to the gallery and the absolute marginalization of the other, equally important, protagonist of the bat-ball drama. Beneath the haze, cricket is essentially an exercise where bowler initiates the action and the batsman merely reacts. But unfortunately, those who run the game are hell bent to make it a complete mismatch pitting the author-backed batsman against a no-hoper bowler.

This is surely not cricket!

Image: BBC

Kapil, Vengsarkar, Bedi in Lord’s Hall of Fame

As the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC), guardian of the game’s law, decides to doff its hat at Indian cricket, which is celebrating its 75th year, the trio of Bishan Singh Bedi, Kapil Dev and Dilip Vengsarkar is set to adorn the gallery at cricket’s spiritual home at the Lord’s.

Vengsarkar, busy these days hunting for India’s next Test captain, managed to take time off to pose for his portrait, while Kapil – at the receiving end of BCCI’s wrath for siding with the rebel Indian Cricket League (ICL) – too allowed himself to be captured on canvas, as did Bedi, one of the most acerbic tongues around.

Lord’s has proved a happy hunting ground for all of them. Vengsarkar has lorded over at Lord’s, hitting three successive centuries on the ‘Mecca of Cricket’ – first non-English player to do so. Bedi too had a six-wicket haul there while Kapil led his Devils to India’s lone World Cup – well, I mean 50-50 cricket – triumph there in 1983.

Image: Times Now