Doosra

Afridi’s Secret Diary: My Brash With Politics!

2012-01-24T12:42:00.000+05:30

I resently attended Imran Bhai's political rally and I am impressed like nobody’s business.

It was so crowded that no body was going. But I went and the because was, Imran Bhai invited me. Of course I was septic initially but still went.

When I was gone, he was speeching like no body’s business. His voice was booming. His voice was very…what you call it… echo-friendly. Outside the ground, there was long cues of people.

When I climbed the stage, he told me to sit. After his speech finished, he spoke me if I want to speech. I said I was speechless and could not speak. I needed some body to right it for me.

He laughed and we started chat.

"You look so fit even today. Do you still exorcise?" I questioned. He laughed like nobody’s business.

He teached me much things about politics. He thinks about the pour people of our country, says we need a brake from the Zardaris and Musharrafs.

He has a big aim in life – to be the President of Pakistan. Very aimbitious man… or is it amphibious? Whoever. Please beer with me on that.

I asked him "How you manage duel role – cricket and politics? What if you are defeat?"

He said like cricket, wins and loos are part of politics. Then he spoke something I did not understood.

He said we should be men of high principal.

Now in my school, our principal was a small tall man. That is not my faultness, I did not appoint he. So is it my blame if I don’t had high principal?

Will meet him next in his berth day party. Will ask him to clearify it.

Exclusive: Harrowing Homecoming Awaits Dhoni & Co!

2012-01-18T00:04:00.002+05:30

At the outset, Doosra maintains eavesdropping is thoroughly unethical, a giveaway of a dodgy upbringing and can never be encouraged under any circumstances.

One such recent exercise shattered the myth that BCCI bosses care only about money and doesn’t bother about anything else as long as they collect it by the sackfuls.

On the contrary, BCCI boss N Srinivasan and his colleagues are seething in anger after India's debacle in Australia.

And if what Doosra heard -– have already outlined where Doosra stands on the subject of eavesdropping – is any indication, some of the Indian cricketers are in for serious trouble.

Following is the excerpts of what was heard inside the BCCI office where Srinivasan was in a mood so foul that it would have drawn a red card even from the most considerate of soccer referees.

Clerk: Cool down sir, cool down. So much anger is not good for your health. Should I get you a glass of chilled coconut water?

Srinivasan: Coconut water my size 12 foot! Disgraceful! They’ll get their just deserts.

Clerk: What sir! They disgraced the country and you treat them with desserts. Not done sir.

Srinivasan: Stop mumbling you moron and see that list. I’ve decided to punish some of those nincompoops.

Clerk: Ok Sir. Dhoni is number one. Captain Cool.

Srinivasan: Rubbish! Captain Fool. Okay, on his return, tie him to a chair in the dark storeroom of our office with a full-volume TV set playing that CD.

Clerk: Which CD sir?

Srinivasan: "Navjot Sing Sidhu Unplugged".

Clerk: Wow. Sir Sehwag is next.

Srinivasan: Too many aloo-paranthas blunted him. Completely lost focus and concentration. Make him balance a hot samosa on the tip of his nose, two hours in the morning and another two in the afternoon to improve his concentration. Add "hands tied behind back".

Clerk: Done sir. What about Ishant?

Srinivasan: That brain-dead moron? Give him a bar of soap and Baba Ramdev’s ink-stained robe. He has to rub the cloth clean.

Clerk: Excellent sir. And Gambhir?

Srinivasan: Gambhir, well when he returns tell him to clean all Mayawati statues in Noida Park with his jersey. Also, after finishing every statue, he should ask himself "Have I Made it Large?"

Clerk: Brilliant sir. Srikkanth too in the list?

Srinivasan: Of course. Make the motormouth madcap read all seven volumes of Mayawati's memoirs cover-to-cover. You then ask him random questions to ensure he actually read it.

Clerk: Ok sir. By the way, what happened to the team's phase-out plan?

Srinivasan: What phase-out? Time for complete overhaul. Cancel their original return tickets and book them on Alliance Air, specially requesting for that pilot who landed the Kozhikode-bound flight in Kochi.

Clerk: But sir...

Srinivasan: What but? Do just as I say.

Kohli’s 7 Point Defence In Fingergate Scandal

2012-01-10T01:14:00.000+05:30

Doosra suggests a soil test of the Sydney Cricket Ground (SCG) if civilisation is to know why it brings out the worst among the visiting Indians.

The moment a Harbhajan Singh steps on it in 2008, the SCG soil convinces him of Andrew Symonds’ stalled evolution, an articulation that led to a Monkeygate.

Flash forward 2012 and this time a Virat Kohli, almost against his wishes, stars in a Fingergate scandal, confirming widespread doubts about the soil’s sanity-sapping streak.

Kohli mounted a spirited defence against the charge, using a seven-pronged strategy but the ICC Match Referee would not budge.

Doosra has accessed Kohli’s seven-point defence in which the cricketer made varying attempts to explain his action:

1. With Australian batsmen cruising merrily, I had to do something to keep myself awake and amused. So I engaged in a pantomime with Gautam Gambhir and had just asked him “what’s up” when the photo was taken;

2. The photo was taken out of context. As part of my limbering up, I raised all my fingers, one by one, but the cameraman for some reason chose to publish the third of the five photos, leading to this clearly avoidable fuss;

3. I had my fingers crossed for a breakthrough and I did it my way. Now to cross your fingers, you need to raise the middle one first before wrapping the top of the index with it. The cameraman, no doubt a crook with filthy motives, caught me midway through the act, thus kicking up this unnecessary storm;

4. Like Muralitharan, I was born with a physical deformity in the form of an erratic middle finger with occasional-gravity-defying syndrome which makes it spring and raise itself even against my wishes.

5. I was shadow-practising a carom ball, which you can’t deliver without a flick of that finger, however bad it may look.

6. Staring at defeat, Mahi asked us to put up our hand and be counted. Now everyone does it their own way but my strong sense of aesthetics tells me to start by raising the longest finger first, followed by others. I had just initiated the process when the photographer shot me.

7. Well, if the above arguments didn’t convince you, let’s cut the crap and admit -- Shit Happens.

When Superman met Sehwag!

2012-01-01T00:09:00.000+05:30

Superman: Hey man. I heard you are the Superman of Cricket and so came to meet you.

Sehwag: Who are you?

Superman: Strange! You don’t know me? I’m Superman!

Sehwag: No idea what you do but kids know you. Why they call you Superman? Have you scored a 400 in a test?

Superman: I mean....No.

Sehwag: 200 in ODIs?

Superman: Err...No.

Sehwag: So? Have you beaten Navjot Sidhu in a proverb contest? Did you out-cliche Ravi Shastri in presentation ceremony? Do you do more endorsements than Tendulkar?

Superman: Hang on. Well, to start with, I have x-ray vision.

Sehwag: X-ray? Not bad. Why don’t you join our support staff? We need a portable x-ray machine anyway. Someone is getting injured every day.

Superman: Man, it’s not like that. With it, I can see through.

Sehwag: What? What’s wrong with you? Are you a pervert?

Superman: What are you talking, man!

Sehwag: Forget it. What else can you do?

Superman: I save damsels in distress.

Sehwag: Why just damsels? Why not kids and the aged ones? Hero banta hai?

Superman: I mean I help all...

Sehwag: Then why said only damsels? What else you can do?

Superman: I can fly.

Sehwag: Why?

Superman: What do you mean why?

Sehwag: What’s the need to fly? What these aeroplanes are for? Hero banta hai?

Superman: Man, you are just impossible. Well, I’m an American cultural icon and I hope you know what I mean when I say that.

Sehwag: Icon? So what? I’m also an IPL icon player. There are several other players whom Lalit Modi made icon. What’s the big deal?

Superman: I give up. No point arguing with you. Can’t believe someone can be so...good bye.

Sehwag: Good bye. Waise bhaisab, don’t mind but you have worn your undie on the outside. No doubt in a hurry.

Superman: No. I wear it like this! This is my style. It’s when in hurry that I dress like you guys. Bye.

Sehwag: What? Dufferman.

When Santa met Bhajji!

2011-12-24T20:16:00.000+05:30

When two boisterous men, both bearded to the teeth and turbaned to the gills, come together with Christmas in the air, bear hugs and mutual backslapping are expected to be the order of the day.

But at times, even the most perfect of scripts go awry and what follows is something starting with a P and has a demon in it. I think Pandemonium is the word I'm groping for, unless it's one of those chemical elements which sign off with an 'ium'.

So when Santa Clause met Bhajji, one expected them to hit it off like a house on fire. Instead, it turned out to be a harrowing experience for Father Christmas.

Bhajji was in a foul mood. In his elements, if you insist.

In contrast, Santa had enough warmth in his voice to force another Copenhagen as he greeted Bhajji.

"Merry Christmas!"

The bonhomie was somewhat missing on Bhajji's part.

"Oye Papaji, mind your language. Has your Pyo brought the exclusive rights that you go about the town claiming 'Meri Christmas'? If you don't want me to box your ear, tell 'It's Everybody's Christmas'."

Santa shielded his bafflement with a patronizing smile.

"Well, it's everybody’s Christmas of course."

Bhajji sort of relented but clearly wasn't convinced of the stranger's bona fide.

"That's better. By the way, haven't seen you earlier. Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Santa Clause."

Bhajji's eyes bulged again.

"Santa what?"

What followed immediately is the experience I have undergone more than once in my childhood.

It's the standard modus operandi of the neighbourhood bullies to grab you by your arm, twist it as if it's a doorknob and pull it up like a lever till it's horizontal to the terra firma – thus pre-empting any resistance – before planting some of the juiciest on your defenceless back.

More than the assault itself, its suddenness had unnerved Santa and emanating from the depth of his facial undergrowth was an assortment of Err, Hey, Oh, Ouch, Stop, What-the-Hell before he finally managed to free himself from the vice-like grip.

Massaging his mangled arm, Santa sounded less genial as he instituted an inquiry.

"What the hell...I mean why did you attack me? You nearly yanked my arm off!"

Panting after his attempt at disarmament of the opponent, Bhajji was clearly baffled by his naivety.

"Why I beat you? Santa CLAUSE! Must be a relative of that *&%$#@ Whereabout Clause. Don't I know you have a bottle in your sack and you have been shadowing me all along to see when I relieve myself?"

Last remnants of geniality gone from his eyes — and honestly one could not blame him – Santa finally exercised some authority.

"Stop it, you moron. I don't know what the hell you are gibbering about. See, there is no bottle in my sack."

Bhajji was clearly shaken. At least stirred, if not shaken altogether.

"You mean you don't even know Whereabout Clause? I'm sorry then. No hard feelings, ok? See I slapped Sreesanth also and he too made peace later. We exchange dance steps now. You know what? Lalit Modi had actually threatened to auction us, not in IPL but among the cannibal tribes in Papua New Guinea, if we did not kiss and make up."

The change in air did little as Santa still eyed Bhajji with no little suspicion. Bhajji, on his part, was at his garrulous best, trying to strike a conversation.

"Sure you aren't Ramesh Powar trying to make a comeback in disguise? (laughs) I'm kidding buddy. So you come from North Pole? What brought you here?"

Santa was under the impression that Bhajji's query was on mode of transport.

"Reindeers."

Bhajji was surprised. He outstretched his arm and then looked at Santa.

"Rain! It's not raining dear. Why should it rain in winter? And I don't see Duckworth or Lewis either. They appear without failing whenever it rains."

A little explanation was the need of the hour but Bhajji retained that baffled look.

"Why reindeer man? Get a life, get a Hummer. I have one. Dhoni has one. If you want I can talk to the distributor for some discount."

Having retained his sang-froid, Santa finally opened his mouth.

"Thanks but no thanks. Sonny, my arm comes in the way of saying it was a pleasure meeting you. Never mind, I have something to give you before I depart."

Santa fished out a rolled strip and handed it over to Bhajji.

"I don't watch cricket but I'm told you've forgotten the basics. So I give you this tape to measure your line and length. You still will be left with another yard or so and for humanity's sake, tape your mouth with that. Bye."

(P.S. Reproducing this 2009 post for those who missed it)

Solved: The Curious Case of Ashwin’s Second Run Apathy!

2011-12-02T10:02:00.001+05:30

Chennai mid-1990. Madras, if you fuss. Pre-Why-this-Kolaveri-Di days, if you know what I mean.

The sun had called it a day some 30 minutes ago. In one of the grounds dotting the city, a group of boys could not abandon the game that was hanging in balance.

Team A needed two runs off the last ball to win. Team B needed one dot ball.

Ashu was on strike with his younger brother at the other end.

Ashu drove the final ball to long-off and quickly ran the single. His brother was yet to complete the first run.

"Run for your life bhai. Run or will box your ear!" Ashu screamed.

His brother halted for a moment, took the first run, turned and sprinted to complete the second at a speed he was not suspected of.

And he kept running, like Forrest Gump. He crossed the boundary, exited the ground and ran into the sunset.

Never to return again.

It was the world's costliest second run that came at the expense of a brother.

Since that day, a penitent Ravichandran Ashwin has declined every opportunity to run a second run.

7 ways to honour Tendulkar when he hits 100x100

2011-11-20T22:47:00.001+05:30

~~Some MCA moron~~ An honourable union minister has decided to honour Sachin Tendulkar with 100 gold coins if he hits his 100th international century in Mumbai.

It tells us Mumbai dance bars may have shut down but showering cash on performers is an ingrained habit that dies hard.

Square-cutting the crap, Doosra suggests seven really cool ways to honour Tendulkar.

1. "Aila" should replace “Hello” as the universal telephone greeting;

2. US Presidents are judged by their performance in the "First Hundred Days". Subsequent White House occupants should be judged against the same benchmark, which will now be called the "Tendulkar Test";

3. Minnesota, the Land of Ten Thousand (100X100, if you missed the point) Lakes, should change its name to Sachinesota;

4. New thermometers should have a "Tendulkar Point" to denote the boiling temperature of pure water at sea level;

5. "Tennis Elbow" will be called "Tendulkar's Elbow";

6. One of the Indian ordnance factories should be asked to develop a gun with whiskey glass attachment because that’s the only thing Sachin has not endorsed so far;

7. Postal department should issue a stamp in Tendulkar’s honour with Kambli’s photo on the other side which requires spitting.

SCOOP: When Mayawati met Schumacher!

2011-11-05T20:20:00.000+05:30

Doosra has doggedly remained a cricket blog despite temptations but I guess one has to make exception in extraordinary circumstances.

So when you realise you’ve chanced upon something that doesn’t fall strictly within cricket’s purview, you have to be flexible.

Presently, Doosra has accessed Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati’s conversation with F1 legend Michael Schumacher on the sidelines of the Indian GP.

What transpired between them is nothing short of sensational with Schumacher vowing not to race in next year’s race if it’s not shifted out of UP.

Schumacher: Hello madam. How do you do.

Mayawati: Hello...oye…how do you mean? Are you from CBI wanting to know how I do it? But if you really want to know, I prefer in black (winks).

Schumacher: I didn’t get you…

Mayawati: Nobody gets me, not even CBI. He he he. Anyway, who are you? Are you one of the drivers?

Schumacher: Yes. I thought everyone knows Schumacher (sulks). I’m Schumacher.

Mayawati: But you just said you are a driver!

Schumacher: Yes. I’m a world famous driver. Everyone knows, except you.

Mayawati: If everyone knows you are a driver then why are you lying?

Schumacher: I didn’t lie.. (Can’t believe what this fatso is blabbering !)

Mayawati: Everyone knows you are a driver and you are telling me you are a show-maker. Isn’t that lie?

Schumacher: Shoe-maker! My foot!

Mayawati: No, my foot. See, if you are a shoe-maker, I think I can offer you a job. You have to make pump shoes for my feet. I love my footwears you know. Once I sent my private jet to bring my favourite slippers from Mumbai and the mediawallahs made such an issue of it.

Schumacher: You are mistaken madam. I’m a driver called Schumacher. My name is Schumacher, Michael Schumacher.

Mayawati: Stop imitating Bond. So what if you are a driver? I need a driver as well. Will you work for me? I’ll pay you good salary and you get a servant’s quarter as well. And there are parks as well.

Schumacher: You mean perks?

Mayawati: No moron, I mean park. Have you seen my giant statues at the Noida Park? If you become my driver, I’ll install one of your statues as well.

Schumacher: But that’s for people of your party and community!

Mayawati: So what? I’ll change your name to shoe-maker and tell everyone that you are a actually a Dalit cobbler.

Schumacher: Good lord! You are incredible!

Mayawati: So you accepting the job?

Schumacher: Well, madam, it would have been a pleasure. But.. you see that lad? He’s Sebastian Vettel and is a much better driver. He was looking for a job anyway.

Mayawati: What he drives?

Schumacher: He drives a Red Bull.

Mayawati: Bull? You really mean bull? Oye, I’m the lord of Uttar Pradesh and you think I ride a bullock cart?

Schumacher: Madam it’s an F1 team called Red Bull and he’s better than me.

Mayawati: Really? Seems wasted my time here. Oye Sebastian, come here...

Indian cricket fraternity reacts to Indian GP

2011-10-31T19:55:00.000+05:30

You feel better when you have got it off your chest. So, time to confess the sin. Yes, Doosra was at the inaugural Indian Grand Prix.

Lest you hold it against the blog, let me tell you so were the cricketers.

Once in the F1 paddock, Doosra did just what is expected of it. Doosra spoke to those present, called those absent and even contacted BCCI boss N Srinivasan, who said he was neither present nor absent.

Well, here are the selected responses of the Indian cricket fraternity to the country's first Formula One race.

1. M S Dhoni: Honestly speaking, with a lead like that, Vettel should have declared long ago;

2. Venkatesh Prasad: Well, yeah...ummm… Vettel is overrated, he does not have a slower;

3. BCCI chief N Srinivasan: We strongly condemn the low trick of smuggling DRS into India using F1;

4. Bishan Singh Bedi: Vettel has a suspect action, should be stripped of all points;

5. Sachin Tendulkar: I suggest we cut the 60-lap race into 4 races of 15 laps each;

6. Harbhajan Singh: I would have loved to race here. The track has lot of turns. Especially liked turn 5.

7. Suresh Raina: Vettel is okay but Dhoni is the best captain in the world. Because at the end of the day...Jai Mata Di.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Shoaib’s Autobiology and the Betrial

2011-10-17T00:07:00.000+05:30

My heart is bloody and I’m offset like nobody’s business.

Ass you knowing, spot-fixing case is running in London and now I knowing that my team-maids tried to stab me in the rear when I was there captain!

I’m shocking and can’t trust it like nobody’s business. Mark my wards, posterior will not forgive them for this acting of betrial.

God will dip-fry them in boiling oil like nobody’s business and they all will be…what you call it… hell and hurty.

Now I understanding the because of my loosing so much matches. I always thinking of victoring and they always trying to cattle my plans like nobody’s business!

And see my largeness. I steel supported one of those oxymoron -- Shoaib Akhtar. He was a ox in the body and a moron in the head.

It was I who spoke him that Tendulkar was scareful of him. One day before the match, all players were discusing who was the most maddest bowler when Sachin suddenly spoke out of contest and confaced “I’m afraid, it’s Shoaib.”

I acted smartingly and tape-recorded it. Kamran Akmal objected like nobody’s business but I didn’t hear. I took out the fat tape of his tracksuit’s waist and written those words on it.

Tendulkar cannot denial it now. I was the wheatness. And if he steel denies, I’m sorry to speak that he is a lier.

Also late me share a secret. Hair in Pakistan, we all are together jellous of Shoaib like nobody’s business. The because is, he has a autobiology now.

And I can tale you that it is goodly written. I readed three and half line and his comment over language is compressive like nobody’s business.

People say it being ghost-written. I not knowing. Who knows, maybe Sexpear wrote it. Or Ernest Hemmingbird or Samiul Bucket. All of them are writers and all of them being ghosts you know. Alone thing that I not understanding is how he contracted a ghost.

Misssing chapter of Shoaib Akhtar's autobiography: Bradman, Sobers…

2011-10-11T07:32:00.001+05:30

As you read in the previous post, Shoaib Akhtar, in the original manuscript of “Controversially Yours”, dismissed WG Grace in 11 paras.

The Pakistani iconoclast took his political incorrectness to another level, devoting just about three-and-half lines for Don Bradman and Gary Sobers each.

According to him, Bradman owes his immortality to a madcap statistician; Sobers’ six sixes off a Malcolm Nash over was fishier than any of those ponds in Poschimbongo; and that Muralitharan was robbed of 13 bona fide scalps by lazy-bum scorers.

He also claims umpire Billy Bowden is not actually an umpire!

For his views on some of cricket’s most compelling characters, read on:

Don Bradman: “Bradman’s test average was actually 9.996 but the record book has it 99.96 because the statistician with a strong sense of aesthetics felt placing the decimal in the middle with two digits on either side looked better.”

Garfield Sobers: “Sobers’ six sixes was the first instance of computer generated imagery, used subsequently in making movies like Jurassic Park and The Terminator”;

Jim Laker: “Laker's 19 wickets in the 1956 Old Trafford test included 5 that Tony Lock took but couldn't be credited for because the box next to Lock’s name in the scoresheet had been smudged by an inadvertent ink-drop from the leaking pen of the absent-minded scorer”.

Muttiah Muralitharan: “Murali actually took 813 wickets but 13 of them were awarded to Vaas by lazy scorers once they realised writing VAAS takes 1/3rd time of writing MURALITHARAN”;

Billy Bowden: “Bowden is actually contortonist umpiring under duress since Sharad Pawar has kidnapped his family”.

Missing chapter of Shoaib Akhtar's autobiography: WG Grace.

2011-10-04T22:52:00.002+05:30

Not many know that the manuscript of Shoaib Akhtar’s autobiography “Controversially Yours” contained chapters in which the “Rawalpindi Express” offered radical views on most of cricket’s greatest names, except Ajit Agarkar.

Libel-weary publishers, with business to run and family to feed, naturally refused to publish them, making sure they do not see the light of the day.

Until Doosra accessed them, of course.

Here goes the first installment in which Shoaib assesses WG Grace.

“I can’t believe they called him father of modern cricket. Father! My number 14 foot!

No hanky-panky. Let me make it clear what I think of that big, fat chump. He looks an obese ass with enough fat to run a soap factory.

Frankly speaking, I think he was dead-scared of my pace and decided to play in another era. Such a coward!

Even though he scored heavily against Joey Palmer in his debut test, I tell you his legs were trembling. Of course I was not there in that 1880 test but Shahid Afridi, who remains 21, says he himself saw them trembling.

Like most of us, Grace used to blatantly tamper the ball. I got to know he was called ‘Doctor’. I guess because he used to doctor the ball. And people have problems only when we do it. It’s a mean world, buddy.

No dramas. I think Grace was a slimy fatso. He filled English cricket with his brothers, sons and even nephews. If this is not nepotism then I’d like to know what is.

Man, have you seen his photo? Awful, man. Inzy bhai will look like him 20 years later.

Seems the guy never went to gym. Six packs? He had six sacks. If you have a good knife and you know how to do it, you can carve six cricketers out of him. Such a waste of space.

His beard was against the spirit of the game. I’m surprised ICC or whatever it was in those days didn’t ban it. It was a deliberate ploy to shield the stumps and confuse the bowlers. Disgusting!

People called him Grace. I call him Disgrace.

I know most of you won’t believe me. I know necromancy and I've challenged him to face me. I don't trust Lalit Modi. Fortunately, Kerry Packer wrote on my Ouija board that he would sponsor the event. Will keep you posted. Take care."

7 Signs That Tell Us All's Not Well With Cricket

2011-09-24T23:35:00.003+05:30

1. Inzamam-ul-Haq opens a shop in Dubai to sell meat when his future lies in selling jacket potatoes;

2. Saurabh Tiwary blames TV cameras for making him look fat when he actually is not;

3. Rahul Dravid hits three consecutive sixes in a T20 match and still can look at himself in the mirror;

4. For the first time in his life, Sachin Tendulkar writes anything other than a bank deposit form but ICC rejects his radical ODI format proposal. (Wife Anjali just confirmed to Doosra he never wrote a love letter);

5. New BCCI regime is not tried under India's anti-poaching law despite eliminating Kochi Tuskers;

6. Mukesh Bhatt not making a sequel to "Mera Naam Joker" with Mohinder Amarnath in lead;

7. India U-19 captain Ankit Bawne axed on the flimsiest ground. Apparently the poor boy has two different dates of birth -- one in BCCI database and another in his passport. Now even the British queen celebrates her birthday twice every year and they still have persisted with the old fossil. Why single out Bawne?

Concussed Gambhir fails memory test!

2011-09-13T09:49:00.002+05:30

Hear it here first!

The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.

The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!

Here is what happened there:

Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!

GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?

Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.

GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.

Doctor: You are Gautam..

GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.

Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.

GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.

Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?

GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.

Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?

GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.

Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?

GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.

Doctor: Pietersen!

GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.

Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?

GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".

Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!

GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?

Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?

GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.

Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.

GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.

Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?

GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…

Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?

GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...

Doctor: ...all coming back to you, isn't it?

Scoop: Srikkanth-Anna Hazare teleconversation!

2011-08-29T21:51:00.006+05:30

Hear it here first.

Anna Hazare had barely drained that glass of honey-laced coconut water when his mobile rang. Anna was surprised to find that the person at the other end was Srikkanth.

Below is the final instalment of Doosra’s own WikiLeak:

Srikkanth: Hello... WhadDoYouKhalIt... KhanISpheakToHanna?

Anna Hazare: Hello beta. Did you mean Anna?

Srikkanth: HabsolutelyYes,That’sWhyISaid...Hanna.

Anna Hazare: Well beta, I’d be happy if you call me Anna.

Srikkanth: KhamOnDude... JustKhalledYouThat... Hanna.

Anna Hazare: Ok beta, since you insist. Hanna here.

Srikkanth: WhadDoYouKhalIt... I’mTheChiefSelectorAndWeNeedAPlayer... SoHanna... WillYouPlayForIndia?.

Anna Hazare: Me? But beta I’ve not played cricket ever.

Srikkanth: DoesNotMatterHanna...
SomeOfOurPlayersGiveTheExactImpression... YouHoccupiedCreaseForMoreThan12DaysAtRamLila... MoreThanDhoniAndOtherBuggersDidInHingland... That'sHenoughForMe

Anna Hazare: But...

Srikkanth: WhatButMan... AndYouAlreadyInGoodKhompany... HeardYouHaveATeamThatHincludes... AravindaDeSilva.

Anna Hazare: Beta, you got it wrong. It’s Arvind Kejriwal.

Srikkanth: YouHabsolutelySure?WellYouHaveKiranMoreAtLeast.

Anna Hazare: Beta., it's Kiran Bedi and not More.

Srikkanth: YouHabsolutelySure?ThoughtIt'sKiranMore...TheHairStyle... HabsolutelyHolyMess... GotHerNumberFromSomeoneAndSentADirtyJokeHassumingSheIsKiranMore.

Anna Hazare: Don’t worry beta. Fear no harm. Like me, she’s also a Gandhian.

Srikkanth: WhadDoYouKhalIt... BothOfYouAre GotGAndhiFans?Khan’tBelieveIt... AlwaysThoughtHeWasHabsolutelyCrap.

Anna Hazare: What are you talking about beta! You pain me.

Srikkanth:PainYou?

Anna Hazare: Haan beta. How can you speak like that about Baapu?

Srikkanth: WhadDoYouKhalIt... ThoughtYouTalkedAboutDevangGandhi... Baapu... YesLikedHim... HeWasOurBestSpinner.

Anna Hazare: What are you talking beta? First calling me Hanna and now saying Bapu was a spinner...I’me having chest pain now.

Srikkanth: Habsolutely... Don’tYouKnowHeSpunCharkha... WishHeWasHaround... WouldHaveReplacedBhajjiWithGandhi…ByTheWayHanna... YouMustBeHungryHAfterTheFast... Let’sGoForADinner... IlikeYou... KhonsiderMeAPal.

Anna Hazare: I don’t have any pal beta, I have only Lokpal. But I can’t go for a dinner because I don’t eat at night beta.

Srikkanth: IDon’tEatAtNightToo... Maybe some
ChoruSambharRasamKootuThayirPuliyodaraiIdiyappamAppam.... nothing More.. HopeYouDon’tKhalItEating? Hello...Hello...Helloo.

Scoop: Srikkanth-Dhoni teleconference!

2011-08-24T22:07:00.003+05:30

Srikkanth: Hello... WhadDoYouCallIt... Is ItTeamINdiaHotel?...CanITalkToAimEssDoni?

Dhoni: Hello. If you are Ian Bell, leave your number. I will call you back. Aur bolo...

Srikkanth: YouHabsoluteMoron...
ThisIsSrikkanthAndNotAnyBloodyBell.

Dhoni: Oh, Chika Saar! That rings a bell... Aur bolo.

Srikkanth: HagainBell... YouGotAnyIdeawhatPeopleNowCallYou?

Dhoni: Why? They call me Mahi!

Srikkanth: No... PeopleNowCallYou… WhatDoYouCallIt... Yes... ’CallingBell’... WhyTheHellDidYouRecallHim?

Dhoni: Saar, we were losing the match anyway. No rating points to be gained, so thought why not some brownie points... Aur bolo.

Srikkanth: YouOfficiousFathead...
YourCaptaincyHasBeenSoUnimaginative...

Dhoni: Unimaginative! You hurt me Saar. I imagined England were in crisis; never stood up imagining Praveen’s edges will carry; imagined Sehwag will score 300 in both innings and finally imagined we will win the series 4-0. And here you call me unimaginative…. If my imaginations were correct, we would have been in the team hotel long back...Aur bolo.

Srikkanth: YouHabsoluteHalfwit... BetterPullUpYourSock... OrIWouldImagineYouWouldSoonLoseCaptaincy.

Dhoni: Can you hold the phone for a second saar?

Srikkanth: Why?

Dhoni: Need both hands to hold my socks and pull.

Srikkanth: !@#@$%^&*.

Scoop: Srikkanth-Harbhajan tele-conversation

2011-08-07T12:46:00.005+05:30

Indian classical singers often do it.

It looks like someone trying to scratch the itch when the reverential thumb and the equally respectful index finger gently rise to ceremoniously touch -- and strictly not press, says the manual -- the earlobe when the Guru's name is to be uttered.

It's a similarly earlobe-touching occasion as Doosra pays tribute to the Murdoch family that has taken phone-hacking to a new level, setting a benchmark that posterity would struggle to match.

Upholding the same spirit, Doosra serves you hot the spicy telephone interaction that took place between chief Indian selector Krish Srikkanth and axed spinner Harbhajan Singh.

Excerpts:

Srikkanth: HelloIsThisTeamIndiaHotel?

Harbhajan: Oye Khote Da Puttar! Ordered butter chicken two hours back and you are calling now instead of delivering it? Go and cook it fast. And when you have made the dish, ask yourself “Have I Made It Large?”...because I’m very hungry and can eat an entire poultry farm.

Srikkanth: HeyYouHabsoluteSonOfAGun…ThisIsChikaHere.

Harbhajan: O Teri Ki! Chicken? Did you say Chicken? You mean you are the chicken I ordered? I can’t believe it! I’m talking to the chicken I’m going to eat! What a hotel!

Srikkanth: I’mGoingToEatYouMoron…ThisIsChikaAndNotChicken.

Harbhajan: O Teri! Chika Sir. Sorry sir...made a mistake.

Srikkanth:ImadeAMistake...SelectedAHabsoluteMoronWhoThinksHe’sSpeakingToAChickenHeIsGoingToEat….WhatDoYouThinkYouAre….DrDoolittle?

Harbhajan: Do little? I could do little sir. The pitches here are not spinning at all. Only thing that spins is my head sir. So tough.

Srikkanth: YouBowledCrapInTheSecondTest… WantedToKickYou...Don’tRememberAnyoneBowlingSoMuchFilth…

Harbhajan: Don’t remember? Memory loss? I know sir, happens with ages. Our coach Fletcher also has this problem. He met Sania Mirza and said “Don’t tell me you have a 40-year-son who will be India’s next Prime Minister!”. Hahaha...

Srikkanth: YouBrainDeadBowledHabsolutelyNegativeInTheSecondTest..

Harbhajan: Strategy sir, strategy. You remember how I bowled in the first test?

Srikkanth: HabsolutlyRememberHagainYouBowledNegativeLine.

Harbhajan: Exactly sir. Haven’t you heard sir that two negatives make a positive?

Srikkanth: WhatCrap...YouThinkI’mMadOrWhat? Ican’tTakeItAnymore...YouAreSackedFromOnedayTeamAndI’llMakeSureYouAreNotAllowedWithin10kmOfDressingRoom...YouHabsolutelyMoronHaveNoIdeaHowBigAHoleYouAreIn…

Harbhajan: Have I made it a large, sir?

7 ways India can turn the table at Nottingham

2011-07-27T23:45:00.004+05:30

1. Turn the batting order upside down. Ishant Sharma should open with Praveen Kumar. Apart from the fact that they can’t do any worse, the mere sight of them walking in to open would give the Andersons and Tremletts a nasty shock. Consider this, even after mowing down India’s top half, England would not rejoice because they haven’t seen the trace of a Tendulkar or Dravid yet!

2. India should avail the existing extradition treaty with England -- or sign one if there is not any -- and force them to immediately send Harbhajan Singh back. They would be reluctant of course but these are the occasions when Manmohan Singh has to assert himself;

3. Sreesanth, Zaheer’s inevitable replacement, should bowl with his left arm to exploit Strauss and Cook’s weakness against left-arm bowlers;

4. Blood Arjun Tendulkar. That’s the only way to field a free-from-pressure Tendulkar. Already a Team India extension, Arjun has not missed many tours, attended more net sessions that Abhinav Mukund and can be India’s secret weapon;

5. Dravid batted and kept wicket at Lord’s with reasonable success. He should be allowed to bowl in Nottingham to complete the gamut in his final UK tour.

6. BCCI should immediately do whatever they do to be enabled to draw players from neighbours Pakistan and Sri Lanka and swiftly introduce a Kolpak-like ruling which allows half the side to be from Australia;

...and if nothing works...

7. Dhoni should stoop, grab it by the leg, lift it and then push with a perfect follow through. Of course there are other schools of thought but this is by far the most popular method of turning the table.

Dravid, cricket’s Methuselah

2011-07-20T22:43:00.005+05:30

A recent piece of statistics confirmed our worst fears.

Rahul Dravid has faced most deliveries in test cricket’s history. A staggering 29,125, before he resumes the self-flagellation in England.

It goes with the 15,124 in ODIs and 1303 in T20s. None of these, however, are likely to improve unless Ramalinga Raju does the computation for ICC. Put them together and Dravid has faced 45,552 deliveries.

For argument’s sake, let’s assume every delivery took two minutes.

After all the sightscreen has to be moved, the batsman has to make sure the rival skipper has not sneaked in an extra fielder, the non-striker has to conclude his chit-chat with the mid-on fielder wherein both inquire about the female members in each other’s family and so on.

Also, the ball has to be licked, rubbed, roughened, scratched and its seam assaulted – with nail, both human and iron, bottle-openers and even Afridi’s teeth – before the bowler starts his run up.

And if Shoaib Akhtar is the bowler, a batsman can afford a quick power nap without risking oversleeping as the Pakistani’s grunt would wake him up just in time to face the ball.

You can safely say Dravid has spent an estimated 91,104 minutes – quite a Lalit Modiesque number -- for the deliveries he faced in international cricket.

Any stout calculator will tell you that is slightly more than 1518 hours, which is nearly 64 days.

To give you an idea, it’s exactly the time a brow hair takes to grow back after it has been plucked.

Now it takes a lot of patience to do that and Dravid has been patient. In fact so patient that was promptly drawn to a doctor who became his better half. Three-quarters, if you fuss.

Returning to the point, if Dravid looks like cricket’s Methuselah, you know why.

He faced 45,552 deliveries, mind you. And that excludes his wife’s two.

Spare Chika, for fatherhood’s sake!

2011-07-13T23:14:00.004+05:30

What bugs me is that a father can't be a father without inviting the ridicule of a world that expects him to be anything but a father.

To square cut a long story short, Srikkanth –- often hailed by the scientific community as the clinching proof that human tongue is by no meanse connected to human brain -- is drawing flaks for selecting son Anirudh in an Indian team for some Emerging Players Tournament in Australia.

In a world where you can’t possibly hurl five bricks without hurting four reluctant fathers of various shapes and sizes -–Arnold Schwarzenegger and ND Tiwary are the two ends of the spectrum –- here you have a bona fide father’s bona fide affection for his bona fide son being ridiculed.

I'm rather glad that Gandhiji isn't around. Otherwise, the same critics would have panned the Father of Nation for promoting the Nation.

Honestly speaking, Galileo had rather a narrow escape because he was indubitably the Father of Science and undeniably promoted Science, which would have surely upset the critics.

Coming back to the Chika episode, who knows, maybe there was some misunderstanding? Or the miss standing next to Chika to take dictation erred, so natural when the speaker dreams of a world without punctuations.

Probably Chika proposed Rahul Gandhi’s name as the most promising, emerging player and the steno mistook it for Anirudh? Rahul...Anirudh...Anirudh...Rahul...saw the eerie similarity!

Well, I’m ready to give Chika a benefit of doubt. Those who know cricket know it well that a batsman is always entitled to the benefit of doubt, even post-retirement.

Okay, for argument’s sake, let’s assume Chika indeed proposed his son’s name. He probably saw Anirudh emerging from behind the sightscreen and thought that was enough to qualify for the emerging players’ tournament.

Even then, I insist, Chika actually took a risk by agreeing to send his son to Australia.

Who can vouch that Anirudh would not catch the eyes of that loony alchemist Chappell?

If Chappell sets his mind to it, he may draw the kid to a corner, lay an avuncular arm around his shoulder and whisper some magic words into his ears, culminating with Anirudh announcing his retirement from cricket and plans to become a professional contortionist instead.

Returning to the rail, Chika has done fatherhood proud and he should immediately be canonised as Father Chika and not Dhinka Chika, as some Salman Khan fans would prefer.

In other words, Chika has done fatherhood proud and the tirade against him is clearly the father of all misguided vendetta.

Cricket's Alternative Food Movement

2011-07-08T23:50:00.005+05:30

Was it only my TV set that showed Djokovic sinking to his knees, plucking a few blades of grass and putting it in mouth after taming Nadal at Wimbledon?

It seemed an honest, pioneering effort by a tennis player of no uncertain scientific bend of mind to find out the edibility of grass and see if it can be the answer to the global food crisis.

Taking a cue from Djokovic, Doosra prepares a list of cricket’s own bizarre biters, eerie eaters, champion chewers and leading lickers:

1. Shahid Afridi: A ball-biter par excellence;

2. Mohd Asif: Single largest importer of poppy seeds;

3. Sourav Ganguly: Human Nail-Clipper. Mad enough, at his pomp, to chew nails and spit rivets;

4. Ewen Chatfield: A unique swallower of his own tongue;

5. Lalit Modi: A reckless biter but limited chewer;

6. Harbhajan Singh: Premium finger-licker;

7. ICC: A steady eater, out of BCCI’s hands.

P.S. Would be unfair to put up the shutters without a word about Kamran Akmal, held as the most promising of all. Even jealous teammates admit he’s so endowed that Akmal can start a bat-manufacturing business rightway without buying a chainsaw.

Exclusive: Tendulkar is broke!

2011-06-26T21:18:00.006+05:30

The Pranab Mukherjees and the Montek Singh Ahluwalias would look pretty silly now.

Exposing the hollowness of their GDP growth mumbo-jumbos, another Indian has just slipped under the Below Poverty Line (BPL).

Is it a Dicky Bird? Is it a plane, carrying homesick Lalit Modi? No, it’s Sachin Tendulkar!

Well, hear it here first.

Tendulkar, whose annual income was the closest statisticians got to infinity, is dead broke!

First he sells off his red Ferrari 360 Modena and then he applies for home loan to buy a 1 BHK flat outside Mumbai!

The twin developments merit close analysis and I want you follow me here closely.

Why did Tendulkar sell off his Ferrari, presented by no less than a Michael Schumacher?

Was it his legendary anticipation that warned him of the fuel price hike that was barely 48 hours away?

Was it the political analyst in him that closely monitored the West Bengal election and realised red was fast going out of vogue?

Can it be possible that he had a tiff with Schumacher – suppose Schumi calls him and mistakes his sing-song voice for that of a maid -- and a mighty annoyed Tendulkar did not want to keep any memory of him?

Or was it because he felt let down by Ferrari who did not resist DRS in F1? So what if this DRS stands for Drag Resistance System and not Decision Review System? After all, once you accept the initials, you are not far from accepting the whole thing!

Well, Doosra risked life and limbs to unearth the truth and here’s how the Little Master turned pauper almost overnight.

Tendulkar earned the stuff by sackfuls but didn't trust banks -- including the one he endorses -- and used to stash all his money in the cellar.

And he got the shock of his life when he found termites had eaten up all the notes!

And the rest, as they say, is his story.

P.S. Sources tell us the sole purpose of Tendulkar’s Wimbledon visit was to try and borrow some money from Roger Federer.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Breaking Mom, Keeping Mom

2011-06-15T21:17:00.002+05:30

Many of you surprised why I keeping mom on my retirement and did not right anything in this dairy.

Two day...or it is two days...whoever…I give my vision of the story at the back of my retirement.

As I tell, my chaste paining and my heart is bloody like nobody’s business. Deer friends, I have lost my piece of mind and I can’t shut down my eyes in the night.

Having sleeveless nights, if you ask me.

Honestly telling, I could not take the betrial from Walker Younis and Intikhab Alum.

I always considered Walker Bhai like my large brother. I had a long standing relation with him. He was always late in meetings and I standed long hours without any complain. But see how he behavioured with me! Gave a bad report on my back.

In the other hand, Intikhab Alum was so senior that not like large brother. He was more like my ankle.

I took him on phase value and like Walker Bhai, he coned me, if you know how I mean.
Firstly the man looked very kind. In fact you can tell him a mankind. Learned so many that I considered him my guru, my menthol.

But I never understand he having a heaten agenda. The old @#$% had a…had a…what they call a blazor-sharp brain. My back’s behind, he and Walker Bhai was always doing...what you call it that has 'piracy' in the end...conspiracy!

Yes. they were conspirates. I saw zealousy on their eyes. If today I’m in trouble, they are the because.

I’m so anger that I want to throw them in the Specific Ocean. But if I do that, my carrier would be ended because they would say I chuck and there will be questions about my action. So I'm keeping mom again.

7 Reasons Why Cricket Is A Better Sport Than Tennis

2011-06-01T12:54:00.003+05:30

1. You don't associate cricketers with rackets;

2. The entire tennis pitch is not even 1/10th of Shoaib Akhtar’s run-up;

3. You don’t need to perch umpires on high chairs to negate the threat posed to his/her life and limb by violent players;

4. Spectators can follow the ball without resembling wind-up toys and risking serious spondylitis;

5. Players don’t make such a fuss over ball, asking for three even though (s) he would eventually need just one;

6. Ball boys are not made to crawl in full public view even though they are well past that stage in life, thus rendering them seriously vulnerable to ridicule from peers;

7. Cricketers don't need to lob the ball high up every now and then to reassure themselves that all is well with the gravitational force.

(P.S. It's the sound of Maria Sharapova in yellow treading on French Open’s red clay that provoked this post which can alternatively be called Why There Is No IPL In Tennis.)

7 Reasons Why Tennis Is a Better Sport Than Cricket!

2011-05-25T15:58:00.003+05:30

1. Tennis players don't crib about pitches despite made to play on all kind of surfaces;

2. They don't look like offspring of a Michelin Man and a mummy;

3. Women players get equal – in fact more -- attention;

4. Umpires at least get a chair to seat on, are not treated as cloth-hangers and don't have to do funny things with their hands to earn their bread;

5. Players refrain from unhygenic practices, such as applying saliva to the ball;

6. There is no recognised skullduggery called Duckworth-Lewis system to determine the outcome of rain-hit matches;

7. Lalit Modi has no role in it.

(P.S. It's the sight of Maria Sharapova in yellow treading on French Open’s red clay that provoked this post which can alternatively be called Why Tendulkar Attends Wimbledon but Federer Does Not Care About IPL).

EXCLUSIVE! How Osama poisoned Pakistan cricket!

2011-05-10T12:30:00.006+05:30

That Pakistan cricket is hell-bent on self-destruction does not make the cut for an eyebrow-raiser.

What does is that they had roped in Osama bin Laden to get the job done!

Hear it here first!

Sitting in his Abbottabad abode, the bearded Arab had been poisoning the very fountain of Pakistan cricket by injecting corruption and encouraging chucking.

These New York Times and Daily Mirror reports expose how.

Apparently, whenever a ball was hit into their compound, Osama’s men never allowed the neighbourhood boys to retrieve the cherry.

Instead, they would give them 60 rupees to buy a new ball.

The boys soon turned greedy and would deliberately throw the ball inside the compound.

Osama thus killed two pigs with the same bird by:

1. Encouraging throwing -- that explains the alarming chuckers’ concentration that threatens to turn Pakistan into Chuckistan;

and

2. Sowing the seed of corruption in impressionable young minds, convincing them that there is easy money to be made without actually going through the pain of playing the game.

7 cricketers on Osama bin Laden’s death

2011-05-02T22:54:00.003+05:30

1. Sachin Tendulkar: I have a strong stance on this issue. I strongly feel Osama’s death is either good or bad for us. It just can’t be anything else even though we should not rule out other possibilities. If you ask me, I think it’s essentially a relative subject and so Osama’s relatives can better answer it. Osama was apparently staying in a stone hut in Tora Bora. When people throw stone at you, you turn them into milestone. Instead, Osama turned it into a stone hut and I think that tells everything;

2. Rahul Dravid: Who died isn’t important here. One should not think about individuals, team always comes first. What’s important here is a death has taken place which means the global population has just shrunk and the air available for human consumption will be relatively higher. Besides, I think it would allow batsmen to concentrate better. I remember I was batting against Sachin’s son in Mumbai when the Americans were bombing Afghanistan and it greatly affected my concentration. The only time I had a similar problem was in Sydney when a whale rather loudly exhaled in the adjacent Tasman Sea just when I was taking guard;

3. Shahid Afridi: I’m happy like nobody’s business. When I speaked that Indians not having big hearts and we having, people moleculed me…or is it ridiculed? Whoever…Now see which country gave Laden shelter? I feel…I feel… vindictive…the media will now eat dumbbell pie;

4. Anil Kumble: I see beyond Osama’s death and what stirs me is the inequality of the contest. The US Military and the Al Qaeda were fighting and I’m sorry to say only one team was fighting in the true spirit. Our Bangalore Royal Challengers owner Vijay Mallya has naturally taken interest and promised to reduce the spirit deficit;

5. Sourav Ganguly: I’m really aghast. I think Obama is selling us dummy. I’ve been tipping them that bin Laden was masquerading as Greg Chappell but they did not listen. I’m not convinced that bin Laden is dead;

6. Shoaib Akhtar: Dude, America is not like Pakistan. America is in America and unlike Pakistan, there people don’t celebrate when their presidents die. USA losing president like Osama is like Pakistan losing me;

7. Shane Warne: Heard the guy was living with his youngest wife. Got her number mate?

A Cricket Folktale...Circa 4500 A.D.

2011-04-17T19:52:00.003+05:30

Once upton a time, there was a tiny country called Sa-china, inhabited by people called Sa-chinese. A neighbouring Vinod-erland was initially more prosperous before its economy nosedived.

In Sa-china, kids had curly hair, while grown up men practised with harmonium to develop sing-song voice. And they made it a point to marry older girls.

There, anyone taller than 5'5" was sneered at and people opted for euthanasia at 99 since a century often augured disaster for the country.

Most boys went by the names of Himesh, Pritam, Bappi, Annu, Shankar, Ehsan, Loy, Ismail etc because it was manadatory to name kids after music directors.

There, people dialled to say "Aila" and not "Hello". Even the neighbourhood fishmongers accepted a certain credit card and if a customer offered cash, s/he would be admonished: "Visa power, go get it."

There were some schools but no college or university in the country because people were convinced of education's futility.

In fact parents used to garland their kid the day they dropped out of schools, which was generally believed to mark the beginning of their journey to glory.

The country had only mud houses because stones were not available. Whenever they saw a stone, they turned it into a milestone, as their Father of the Nation had once advised them.

There, people used to eat out at Mainland Sa-china, where Sa-chinese dishes were served.

Aged people suffered mainly from tennis elbow and they worked as long as they wished. Retirement talks were not encouraged at all...

7 World Cup inferences!

2011-04-10T21:45:00.005+05:30

I know people who dismiss the Indian cricketers as obscenely overpaid nitwits who should not be allowed to open their mouth except when eating.

But if you can read between the lines they utter, you would be amazed at their unsuspected depth. The word I’m groping for has a cat in it...implications…if you know what I mean.

Sample the seven inferences anyone will draw after listening to them:

1. Yusuf Pathan is Atlas reborn: As Virat Kohli so articulately put, Tendulkar has “carried the burden of the nation” for 21 years and Yusuf Pathan carried Tendulkar in Mumbai. It amounts to, if your arithmetic is alive and kicking, carrying the burden of a nation + 65 kg.

2. Yuvraj Singh has corrected himself: "I think we kissed the World Cup trophy a thousand times".

3. Yuvraj had a bright future as a claymodeller before he took to cricket: "Earlier, whatever I was touching was turning into mud."

4. Praveen Kumar thinks Dhoni is fast losing popularity : "Dhoni is Obama of cricket"

5. Dhoni believes if human mind develops pimple, it should be named after Sreesanth:"If you want to irritate someone that should be the opposition and not your side."

6. Yuvraj thinks there is not much difference between Gambhir and love – both are blind: "I told Gautam: I am not Virender Sehwag, I can't run like that."

7. Dhoni helps a great deal to keep Yuvraj cool: "I am a great fan of Yuvraj."

P.S. A couple of you wanted to know my World Cup experience. I’m afraid the details would only bore most. If you insist, well some of my experiences include being abused by Yuvraj's father over phone for about 10 minutes, holding Geoffrey Boycott's hat in a flight while he jostled with Arun Jaitley's secretary to stow luggage, spilling coffee on Nasser Hussain's shoe in Chennai, listening to Derek Pringle swearing profusely in Hindi in Ahmedabad, nearly tripping Sanjay Manjrekar in Mohali...warned you, it would only bore you.

Afridi's Secret Diary: Shoaib Thinks He's Rajnigandha!

2011-03-06T00:14:00.003+05:30

I'm joy like nobody's business. We beated Sri Lanka to win, which is not easy. If you asking me what is the because, it is I'm the captain of a mad team.

If you try to remind, I never like Shoaib Akhtar and I'm not fearful to say that. He speaks Urdu with an American accent!

Last night he powerfully took me to a pub. After drinking 3 glasses, I could understand he had drunk.

"We have to raise the bar," he said and I was real fearful. I told him the bar was big and had so many persons inside, so many furnitures etc. How two of we raise the hole bar? What he thinked of himself? That South Indian hero -- Rajnigandha?

I begged him not to create seen. He said "Ok pal, let's call it a day". I then lost my anger.

"Why should I call it a day when it's being a night? You are drunk or blind in the eye?"

But you have to say Shoaib has worked on fitness. He has become quite a racist, always asking all to race with him. Also doing stretching and jumping. I'm running also but coach said 2011 is not being a leap year so I'm not jumping.

We need Shoaib because Asif and Amir are banned, which is a handicraft for us. Gul bowling well but he is also mad type.

Other day, coach said we should have a cakewalk against Canada. Know what Gul did? He dropped a cake on floor and walked over it and said "Ho gaya sir, cakewalk."

The whole carpet was ugly and I made him wash that!

After that accident, our coach is out of order. He never ordering us anything. Inspite of him, I order now.

Anyway, I have received many wishes from many. I thank all of you from the heart of my bottom. We need your prayer.

7 Cricketers and their Favourite Books!

2011-02-23T22:29:00.006+05:30

Apparently, George Bernard Shaw -- contrary to rumours he didn’t grandfather Hashim Amla, it’s their common beard that triggered the speculation –- once said his favourite book was his cheque book.

Many suspect the cricketers are no better.

But recently the ICC listed favourite books of some of the cricketers we never suspected of being anything beyond a game-reader.

Well, Dravid probably reads Duckworth-Lewis method at leisure but others?

Doosra compiles a list of possible favourite books of some of our favourite players.

1. Harbhajan Singh: Geetanjali by Tagore. He bought the book under impression that it’s a biography of his actress-friend Geeta Basra.

2. Mohd Asif: Sea of Poppies by Amitav Ghosh.

3. Rahul Dravid: Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. He is looking for tips how to catch all 22 opponents batsmen in a Test.

4. Ramesh Powar: Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson.

5. Kamran Akmal: Jaws by Peter Benchley.

6. Salman Butt: The Trial by Kafka

7. Lalit Modi: A Passage to India by E M Forster. Modi is searching for one.

Live from Chennai : SA v Zimbabwe warm-up match!

2011-02-12T16:43:00.022+05:30

1645: Zimbabwer 127/6 after 36 overs. S Africa skipper Graeme Smith has employed 8 bowlers so far. No South African seems safe anymore. By this rate, the ailing Nelson Mandela will be bowling the 49th over. Mind it, Mandela wished them luck before they started for India.

1647: South Africa unleashed their Pakistan-born spinner Imran Tahir in this match. He's an uncapped player. With such richly streaked hair, anyone would prefer to remain without a cap. Those who came late, Tahir settled in S Africa to marry a girl he had been stumped by in 1998 when he was a member of the visiting Pakistan U-19 team. True love took him to S Africa. I suspect, it could be the ISD bill.

1700: Tatenda Taibu fell for a golden duck. In yesterday's media session, Taibu said he was Shah Rukh Khan's son's favourite cricketer in KKR days. Let us forgive such childish immaturity.

1708: Tahir reminds us only change is constant. He changes end, from Pattabhiraman End to Pavilion End and back to Pattabhiraman End. You sort of feel for him. Cricket fields sure can have more than two ends.

1719: Zimbabwe all out for 152 in 42nd over. They looked in a greater hurry to leave the field than Mubarak would be to leave Cairo.
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1725: Five TNCA groundsmen roll the pitch at innings break. A recurring theme in Doosra, Ramesh Powar would have rendered the roller redundant.

1728: Nearly one thousand crowd turned up for the match. Either most of has have no purpose in life or we can't resist watching brothers fighting each other. As of now, Big Brother S Africa has pinned down continental brother Zimbabwe.

1731: S Africa open with Hashim Amla. Bowler Chris Mpofu can lodge a legitimate complain that he can't see 'keeper Taibu's face because of Amla's flowing beard that stands in the way.

1737: An obese South African support staff walks past sightscreen with great difficulty. If you know how to do it and have a nice knife, you can carve out two support staff out of him.

1901: Hashim Amla falls, Kallis walks in. Zimbabweans not sure if removing Amla was a good idea. Doosra seconds demand to call Amla the W.G. Grace of his generation (only the beard is black) and Kallis the modern-age Sobers.

1907: Salim Malik...err...Salim Ali would know the birds currently hovering over MA Chinnaswamy Stadium. Doosra can vouch it's not Dickie Bird. Circling like vultures would but Tsotsobe was only injured and got up after two minutes of his impersonation of a corpse.

1911: Kallis loses his boot while running, which is any day better than getting the footwear. Voucher will Bouch...err...Boucher will vouch for that.

1919: Kallis hits Cremer for two sixes and Smith whacks Lamb for one. In the same area where the crowd number has swollen to 10K! They are playing to the galleries now.

0105: Match ended some 5 hours before. In the post-match press conference, Graeme Smith said the track was under-prepared. Maybe but as long as lives are not lost and the same track is offered to both sides, don't really know why he cribs. Team manager says there is still some life in Lonwabo Tsotsobe, who will be assessed in the morning. Will be back in Chennai for Kenya v NZ...quite a murky tie...err...make it marquee.

P.S. Soul? Forget it. At best, I'm the master of my sole and my posts would be erratic and sporadic throughout the World Cup. Readers have been kinder to Doosra than Manmohan Singh has been to A Raja and hope you bear with me.

7 IPL auction sub-plots!

2011-01-11T14:24:00.004+05:30

1. IPL has precipitated the Armageddon by putting monkeygate protagonists Harbhajan Singh and Andrew Symonds in the same team;

2. Vadodara is about to seek separate nationhood, convinced that the money Pathan brothers fetched from IPL auction is enough to sustain a nascent nation;

3. One of the team owners with an obvious zombie expression was so thick-headed that auctioneer, at one point, asked her if he could use it as the hammer;

4. Anil Kumble opted out of IPL because he feared Rajasthan Royals might be interested in him and there are enough scientific evidences to prove the indelible scars that Shilpa Shetty's non-stop giggling can leave on human psyche;

5. Sid Mallya was the only owner with a scientific outlook. Few realised his mohawk was actually a subtle anti-thesis to Newton's law of gravitation;

6. There was so much coldness between Preity Zinta and Ness Wadia that every cappuccino they ordered turned tropical iceberg in no time:

7. In a last throw of dice, Pakistan agreed to export onions to India, offering one cricketer free per sack but IPL governing council members said they have got used to salad sans onion.

Doosra Annual Awards 2010

2011-01-01T11:37:00.007+05:30

Time for red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and satin gowns.

Ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, here goes the Doosra Annual Awards 2010:

1. Alternative Food Promotion Society's Man of the Year: Shahid Afridi, for his pioneering ball-biting act;

2.Annual Boom-to-Boomerang Medal:Lalit Modi (He can't enter India, hence sent legal counsel to receive the award).

3. Ravana Reincarnation Medal: Shane Warne, for his wife-stealing act that prompted Arun Nayar to update his Facebook status back to singles;

4. Sholay Lovers' Association's Real Viru Award: MS Dhoni, for his inability to win toss; Dhoni also gets Ranchi Milk Supplier Association's special discount coupons and Hush-Hush Society's Man of the Year, for keeping teammates in dark about his marrige;

5. The Annual Shit-Midas Trophy: Greg Chappell wins third straight time to retain the rolling trophy. He ruined Australia this time;

6. The Fake Rajnikant Trophy: Daniel Vettori, who was captain-coach-selector of the NZ team that got whitewashed by Bangladesh.

7. Sri Lanka chapter of We Mean Mean Society's Mean of the Year: Suraj Randiv, for that century-denying no-ball to Sehwag.

8. George Bush Medal for Extraordinary Hurled-Shoe Ducker (largest nominations): Jointly to Tony Blair, John Howard, Asif Ali Zardari, Omar Abdullah and Neveen Jindal.

9. Promote Facial Growth Society's Man of the Year: Hashim Amla.

10. Houdini Act of the Year: Zulqarnaine Haider, for vanishing in Dubai and resurfacing in London.

P. S. Doosra Annual Awards 2009, 2008.

7 Reasons why China Will Do Well in Cricket

2010-12-19T11:43:00.002+05:30

1. First and foremost, they would have the largest gathering of Chinaman bowlers, beat that!

2. Javed Miandad has been teaching them cricket ethics and spirit of the game;

3. China possess a wall more impregnable than Rahul Dravid;

4. Ages of ping-pong practice means even their No. 11 batter would have the sharp hand-eye coordination of a Sehwag;

5. The outside world would have to depend solely on Xinhua for results, which effectively means the world would know only what the on-duty Xinhua editor wants it to know;

6. Cheap Chinese products would be a serious distraction for tourists, especially when fielding. Plans are afoot to set up boundary line kiosks in all major stadiums;

7. I have been to Beijing Olympics and can tell you that China can both prevent and make rain. So while a Dhoni or a Ponting, at best, can pray for rain, their Chinese counterpart would have access to a technology which would be handy on the fifth day of a precarious Test.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Sleeveless Nights!

2010-12-11T19:33:00.004+05:30

If you ask me, I'm confucius. Three months in front of World Cup and I the captain can admit I'm having sleeveless nights like nobody's business.

The team having a head (which is I) but no butt...because salman butt is suspended. And I missing kamran akmal like nobody's business.

kamran is a key player. Late me tell you why. Once my hotel room was locked and he opened it with his tooth!

I don't wanting to talk about asif. One day, in my front, he questioned a pitch curator "You got grass there?". asif...I mean as if I don't know what grass meaning!

The hole team in a mesh. One day younus is captain, another one day yusuf and another one day misbah.

You will not believing me but one day in the nets, azhar ali was talking lonely. I thought he had becomed mad. Know what he was telling? "It was a team effort...boys played well...we played as unit…"

I asked him, what matter was and he said, "Shahid Bhai, who knows, maybe I'll be the captain tomorrow."

Think! Yesterday's kid wanting to be captain tomorrow! This new generation...so amphibious!

But his saying have truth. Nobody knowing who becoming captain yesterday....or is it tomorrow? whoever...

All bad thoughts eating me and I'm loosing piece of mind. Time to stop writing, it's getting darky...another sleeveless night.

Brisbane Report Card for Aussie Bowlers

2010-12-02T22:48:00.003+05:30

Can't really blame you if you missed it. The boffins have just revised the Edentata order -- that exclusive club of toothless animals -- adding Australian bowling to the list.

Had a dead earthworm watched them in Brisbane -- provided dead earthworms can watch and are welcome in Brisbane -- it would have gone home with the conviction that it had more venom than the Aussie attack.

Here is the Doosra report card:

1. Peter Siddle: The first innings hat-trick hero bowled as if England had fielded a different XI in the second. At one point, seemed like scratching Alastair Cook to make sure he wasn't limewashed Lara with a mascara;

2. Mitchell Johnson: Bowled like a man who was doing it only to please his Karateka girlfriend but was not liking offending a resenting mother;

3. Ben Hilfenhaus: Was asked to bowl only because Ponting resented him trousering the envelop without breaking a sweat;

4. Xavier Doherty: Peddled crap, as if bowling to himself;

5. Marcus North: Lacked direction beyond that surname.

6. Shane Watson: Bowled with the air of a man who had fixed a deal with the guy upstairs and was told to just release the ball, leaving rest to Him.

If you wondered why KP plays like a blind...

2010-11-23T20:00:00.001+05:30

Bhajji on Doosra!

2010-11-20T14:39:00.003+05:30

Doosra: So, what happened Bhajji?

Bhajji: Lost a coin, lift your leg moron, maybe you are standing on it.

Doosra: I'm not. Bhajji, I mean what happened that suddenly you started playing like a frontline batsman and struck back-to-back centuries?

Bhajji: Oye, interview started and you didn't tell me you X*&%$#@!...Well, I’m rather sad after those centuries.

Doosra: Sad!

Bhajji: With my talent, I should have scored 13,999 runs by now, just behind Tendulkar. He’s the God you know...Let me tell you, that Batman wasn’t worthy of tying Paaji’s pajama.

Doosra: It’s Bradman.

Bhajji: You kidding! I read in the newspaper – he’s Batman and Robin Singh was his teammate.

Doosra: That’s because you got stuck in the comic strip and did not advance to the sports page. By the way, it’s just Robin and not Robin Singh…

Bhajji: Who cares? And who the hell Batman is compared to Paaji?

Doosra: Bradman...

Bhajji: Why fuss? Have whatever you like! But did he play in IPL? No? You know what James Bond once said? "What he knows of cricket who not IPL knows?"

Doosra: That's CLR James and the actual quote is...anyway, leave it....Against New Zealand you batted so comfortably, the ball must have looked as big as a football?

Bhajji: No fathead, the ball looked like Sreesanth’s cheek and I went slapping (chuckles). But Sree is like a younger bro.

Doosra: We notice you keep it saying these days, ‘Sree like a young bro’. Is it because you don’t have one?

Bhajji: No dumbo, it’s because I think Sree should be as non-existent as my young bro.

Doosra: But your bowling has slipped. Even Ojha is taking more wickets.

Bhajji: You don’t understand, youngsters need encouragement.

Doosra: You mean you deliberately allowed him to hog the limelight?

Bhajji: What else? Besides, now I'm in the team purely as a Bradman.

Doosra : Batman...I mean batsman?

Bhajji: Whatever. Can't keep blabbering with you anymore, I'm a busy man, have to rush. By the way, you sure it's Bradman and not Batman?

A stroll down Critic Street

2010-10-21T11:28:00.003+05:30

It was one hell of an experience Doosra can't help but share with readers.

Thinking of this and that, one strayed into an unknown territory and before you know what is what, you are staring at a signboard which tells you have hit the 'Critic Street'.

Flesh creeps as one relates the story.

Before one could separate one’s knotted eyebrows, someone rammed into the midriff and said 'Sorry'.

Looking up, one had this guy who looked perfect from all angles, except his right hand, which lacked the index finger.

For some, maybe five is one too many and you cannot hold it against him. Boris Yeltsin had three on his left hand, Jerry Garcia had four-and-half on his right. Hrithik Roshan provides the contrasting splurge with his six on the right.

So one asked if he would mind telling the story of his missing finger.

"I'm a Harbhajan critic and had just pointed out his poor performance," he said.

He had just finished when one actually heard Harbhajan screaming from behind the clouds:

"I will cut off those fingers!"

Now oracles can be very disturbing. It sort of unnerves you, somehow affecting the coordination among faculties and limbs.

Naturally it was some sort of comfort finding the next guy fully endowed with no part of his well-rounded body gone AWOL.

But before one could engage him in a discussion, he suddenly started his impersonation of a petulant dog, letting out a series of high decibel barks.

"I'm a Sehwag critic," he said. Off went an oracle:

"Jab haathi chalta hai toh bahut saare Janwar bhaungkte hai. the elephant keeps walking ignoring them. That is exactly how I like to deal with my critics."

Meeting the next bird sort of calmed one's frazzled nerves. He had his fingers intact and even better, he did not bark. Only thing that annoyed me is his habit of abruptly suspending discussion, stooping to pick a pebble and throw it.

At one stage, one had to ask him if he would mind saying why he keeps doing that.

"I'm a Tendulkar critic," he said.

And soon a sing-song voice screamed from the sky:

"...people sometimes throw stones and you convert them into milestones."

I tore myself away and kept going till I saw someone, squatting on the ground and leafing through reams of pages of diagrams and speedgun reports.

"Sorry, don't have time for pleasantries. I'm an Irfan Pathan critic, busy figuring out whether he was an express bowler ever."

Oracle: "Critics should understand I was never an express bowler."

SCOOP: International Cricket-Stricken Animals’ Conclave

2010-09-11T19:04:00.005+05:30

While the chumps in the mainstream media sedulously twiddled their thumbs in the comfort of their air-conditioned offices, Doosra risked life to get you an exclusive.

An agitated herd of angry animals recently had a clandestine meeting where they blasted cricket and cricketers for making their life miserable.

Here are exclusive excerpts from the Inaugural International Cricket-Stricken Animals' Conclave:

1. Crocodile (S Africa): Guys, as you all know, one can't ignore hygiene these days. After you had a sumptuous deer for lunch, all you want is to muse open-mouthed, while those birds clean your teeth. But peace is never on us. Before you know what is what, you suddenly find yourself in a tangle with Dale Steyn, who insists this is the best way to prepare for a series against Australia. I feel like crying but can't because you'd say I'm shedding crocodile tears.

2. Cat (England): Well, I would say physical pain is bearable but what about mental agony? By the way, I’m Max and I die hundred deaths every time I say Graeme Swann owns me. Cops caught the bugger drink-driving and you know what the !@#$%^&* told them? He said he was tight but had to drive to buy a screwdriver and get me out of a trap! Trap my foot, have you heard a sillier excuse?

3. Mosquito(Sri Lanka): I can sympathise with you. Frankly speaking, I've lost my faith in humanity as a whole. I bit Yuvraj Singh the other day and gifted Virat Kohli a place in the playing XI. Well, one does not expect a drop of blood but a word of acknowledgment would surely not have been amiss? But what you get in the pre-match interview? Not a single word of gratitude from Kohli! This new generation, just taking things for granted.

4. Cricket: I seriously feel you guys are overreacting. All you whine about is one-off incident. What about the daily humiliation we go through? Our grasshopper cousins have already started making fun of us. A small cricket is ridiculed as T20, a bigger one called a Test…I wonder what the world is coming to!

5. Cockroach (Mohali): See, I'm not the Paris Hilton type, always publicity-hungry. Apart from occasionally appearing from nowhere to scare the hell out of the girls, we are a self-effacing community. Once I mistaken trod on Chris Broad's food and he made such a hue and cry, mentioning it in the ICC Match Referee's report. It brought so much of unwanted publicity that I had to kiss my private life goodbye.

6. Donkey (Pakistan): Don't you guys think that all these sound simple whining when compared to the treatment we were subjected to? Butt, Asif and Aamer filled their boots and we were pelted! We have been around for donkey’s years but I can tell you we never had to go through such mental agony and physical pain put together.

7. Calf (Ranchi): I can tell you the life of a calf is not an easy one when you live in Ranchi. Do you have any idea how starvation death looms large over our community? And all because Dhoni has got this silly idea in his fat head that he has to guzzle four litter milk a day to stay fit! I hope you don't mind but all these talk of mental agony and unwanted publicity is pure gibberish when the very existence of me and my cousins is at stake.

Cricket’s journey

2010-09-08T13:26:00.001+05:30

Down the road, there was a kennel. Behind the wall, you could hear dogs barking.

There was a crack on the wall and a cricket crawled out of it.

It wiggled its antennas, started chirping and headed towards where the barking was coming from.

Yessir. Cricket has gone to the dogs, if you ask me.

7 punishments for Dhoni & Co for NZ flop show

2010-08-14T12:50:00.004+05:30

BCCI sees only the Sunny side but never the funny side of it. So what if New Zealand plastered India by 200 runs?

That doesn't mean you cancel the home trip you had promised the players who have spent enough time in Lanka to be eligible for a citizenship there.

It was not just a low trick on the players but quite unimaginative too. Doosra suggests 7 alternative ways BCCI could have punished the players:

1. Make the whole team row its way back from Sri Lanka;

2. A favourite theme with Doosra. Ask them to write the full name of Welegedara on the grain of rice. To be fair, give them a choice between Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanka Welegedara and Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas.

3. Ask Yuvraj to share room with Suresh Raina before a Test series and come out in the morning without any culpable homicide charges against his name; alternatively ask him to report after three weeks without a bar brawl; or spend 15 minutes on the field without inviting frenzied chants from the spectators;

4. Thrust a shaving razor in Praveen Kumar’s hand and ask him to turn up clean-shaven for a match;

5. Make Ashish Nehra play a full Test with no ambulance facility within 10km of the stadium;

6. Let MS Dhoni bat with Nehra as his runner;

7. Ask Ishant Sharma to bowl with Nehra fielding at point.

7 Potential Autobiography Gimmicks!

2010-07-24T12:25:00.005+05:30

(P.S. Tendulkar today said the book actually doesn’t contain his blood. Too late sir, can’t change my post to please you.)

7 things since my last post

2010-07-11T00:01:00.002+05:30

1. MS Dhoni lost his bachelorhood and -- I want you to follow me here closely -- felt it was not safe enough for his wife to travel to Sri Lanka in the same flight with his teammates;

2. Surprisingly none of the bar brawl reports had any mention of Yuvraj Singh;

3. ICC President Sharad Pawar finally took over as India's Agriculture Minister. Well, it maybe the other way round, I'm told;

4. Spat at, Suleiman Benn refused to exchange saliva with Dale Steyn, preferring the rather dull method of gatecrashing in the dressing room and alluding to the female members of Steyn's family;

5. Muralitharan has promised to stop scaring kids with his eyeball-popping antics, at least in Tests. Of the current lot, he said, only Harbhajan can make his eyes spring out of socket like that, to which Bhajji said it was very kind of him to say so;

6. It's for sons to follow in their father's footsteps but Geoff Marsh did it other way round when he joined IPL as Pune Warrior's coach. Now only the pet dog of the Marsh family remains unemployed but IPL governing council assured they would right that wrong soon;

7. Ajantha Mendis was axed from Lankan team for his indifferent attitudes to teammates. He flunked the how-much-you-know-your-teammate test where he was asked to write Chanaka Welegedara's full name and he came up with this lame excuse of running out of ink. For the uninitiated, Welegedara's full name is Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanga Welegedara.

(P.S. Tried my hand at Diski dance, played a soccer match as part of world’s first Indian-Argentine-SAfrican MIXED team, watched Germany-Argentina game on a giant screen at St George’s Park, met Port Elizabeth’s Mother Teresa and returned home without being mugged. That sums up my FIFA World Cup experience in Port Elizabeth.)

7 reasons why cricket is a better game than soccer

2010-06-21T11:01:00.003+05:30

1. Soccer is way too abrupt. 90 minutes is what Shoaib Akhtar needs just to complete his run-up, which means his delivery would reach the batsman only in the extra-time!

2. A Warne or a Brett Lee may try their hand at designing underwear but they know where to draw the line. They would not model it themselves even for a dying grandmother, no sir. And there you have Beckham and Ronaldo unabashedly dropping fabrics and making these brief appearances;

3. Cricket’s post-match ritual doesn’t include exchange of stinking, sweaty jerseys. The first thing a footballer presumably does when he gets home is to burn it and bury the ashes in courtyard or clog the neighbour’s drain with it;

4. Cricketers may mistake the umpire for a cloth-hanger but never as a spittoon;

5. FIFA World Cup maybe a coiffeur’s delight but some of the haircuts on display not only border on sacrilege but also threaten to destroy the very social fabric of human civilization;

6. An umpire is not required to blow whistles till his lungs ache to earn his envelop;

7. Cricket coaches don’t make such a colossal ass of themselves on the sideline, jumping in ill-fitting suits like a headless chicken troubled by an ingrown nail;

(P.S Blogging would be irregular till FIFA World Cup ends. Going Port Elizabeth, hoping to watch more than one quarterfinal. Sorry folks, already oversubscribed for vuvuzelas. Will try to post something from there but don't put your money on that possibility. Be right back.)

7 reasons why soccer is a better game than cricket

2010-06-14T09:28:00.000+05:30

1. Footballers refrain from something as unhygienic as applying saliva on the ball in full view of the broadcast public, including impressionable kids, and still look unapologetic;

2. Staying with the hygiene theme, FIFA deals with groin dermatitis in a more straight-forward way. So far, no footballer has been reported rubbing ball for that momentary pleasure;

3. Winning captain doesn’t uproot the goalpost and take it home as souvenir;

4. Losing captain doesn’t make outrageous excuses like the grass on turf suited the opponents;

5. The referee is not reduced to a walking hanger where players deposit their stinking garments;

6. The ball is way too big even for an Afridi’s mouth;

7. They don’t orchestrate a tiny scrum of handful scums and call it a World Cup.

Exclusive! Yuvraj’s secret meeting with Srikkanth!

2010-06-09T23:10:00.006+05:30

Hear it here first!

Doosra serves hot another fly-on-the-wall account, this time of Yuvraj Singh’s secret meeting with chief selector Krish Srikkanth after which the player was dropped.

Excerpts:

KS: MyDearYuviI’mHabsolutelyDelightedToSeeYouBut IDon’tHaveMuchTimeAndSoIWouldKeepItShortSoThatItTakesLessTimeSinceIHaveAFlightToCatchAndI’mScaredOfFlightsBecauseTheyAreCrashingAllTheTimeSoMyQuestionIsWhatDoYouHaveToSayAboutYourFitness?

YS: Err…can you repeat that?

KS:!@#$%^&*!...WhatHappenedToYourFitnessYouHabsolutelySillyFatheadedBrat?

YS: I’m alright sir, fit as a fiddle.

KS:Don’tYouFiddleWithMyPatienceYouDimwitAndTryToBeFunnyBecauseYouKnowVeryWellWhatICanDoToYourCareer…SoWithoutWastingTimeTellMeWhyYouHaveSuddenlyBecomeAnHabsolutelyInflatedBalloon?

YS: Oh, that? I thought…anyway, you hurt my sentiments sir. Fact is every time I slip into team jersey, my chest swells in pride sir. I believe every player should feel so when they don national jersey. What you mistake for flab is actually patriotism sir.

KS:PatriotismMyFootYouHabsolutelyRottenPimpleOnTheCheekOfIndianCricket…JerseyMakersSaidTheyUsedToMakeSmallSizeJerseyForYouAndNowYouWantXXAndEvenThatSeemsBurstingAtTheSeamDoYouHaveAnyExplanation?

YS: Pimple, sir…I mean simple sir. We all want growth in life. Who wants stagnation? Sidhu Sir once told me that life without growth is like a stagnant pool, breeding proverbial mosquitoes spreading spiritual diseases in an ephemeral world inhabited by immoral half-wits….

KS:!@#$%.^*&…YouACricketerOrMunicipalityDrainInspector…PoolMosquitoDiseasesWhatRubbish…ListenYouSillyBlighterTheFactIsYouHaveGrownSoFatThatYouCan’tEvenBendToCollectABall.

YS: That’s intentional sir. I refuse to stoop to that level. Any self-respecting man should at least make an honest attempt at spending his life head held high.

KS:!@#$%^&*…YouAreHabsolutelySoUnfitThatYouNoLongerFieldInThePointPositionAndCaptainsBanishYouSomewhereInTheDeep.

YS: I don’t understand the fuss sir. No point fielding in point any more. I did all that, throwing myself around. But there comes a time when you have to move on in life, and I’ve moved on too, from point to elsewhere. You probably failed to notice it Sir, I’ve grown into a deep-thinking, deep-fielding man. Fielding in the deep gives me a larger picture of things sir.

KS:IReallyFeelThatYouHaveBecomeLargerYourselfInFactHabsolutelyTooLargeForYourOwnGoodAndCuttingYouDownToSizeCanBeDoneOnlyByDroppingYouFromTheSquadWhichWillTeachYouALessonYouSillyScatterbrainedMoron.

YS: I would not hold it against you sir. You know what Siddhu Sir once said about getting dropped….?

KS:GoAndJoinSidhuAndBoilYourSillyHeadsTogether…You!@#$%^&*.

An environmentalist’s appeal to Shashank Manohar

2010-06-06T00:34:00.000+05:30

We all know sir that you don’t use a cellphone.

You don’t wear a watch either.

And you hardly fly – so much so that you didn’t have a passport till the other day.

Eco-friendly is the word that leaps to the lip.

Then why this series of showcause notices to Lalit Modi, sir?

One showcause notice invited a 15,000-page reply. To give you an idea, you roughly fell two trees to get 16,000 A4 size pages.

Sir, every time BCCI showcauses Modi, he vanishes into the nearby forest with an axe in hand.

No scruples at all sir, his replies are triple-spaced!

Spare a thought on the World Environment Day sir. Spare Modi.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: My heart is bloody!

2010-05-27T00:45:00.004+05:30

I’m totally offset and my heart is bloody like nobody’s business. I know sometimes you win, sometimes others loos. But wherever I think of T20 World Cup, my blood boils.

I knowed we are going to loos when I spoked a speech before the tournament. Been the captain, I told the boys ‘We Can Do It’. I said there is no IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary.

And you know what they said?

Our Board gave us a packet dictionary, saying it would help us to batter our English. Aamer looked at his dictionary and said it had the word “Impossible”. Ajmal said his book also had it too.

Salman Butt reads those defective stories and behaviours as if he is that Homes…what is the name? yes…Shylock. Shylock Homes. Salman said he can explain why it was not in my dictionary. He said Asif probably teared the ‘I’ page, rolled some powder in it and snorted it.

Kamran Akmal said actually the shopkeeper foolished me and said he would come with me if he denies to agree to change the book.

It was there four that I lost my temperature. Such morons, not knowing simple English and creating generation gaps like nobody’s business!

Our coach Walker Bhai also lost temperature like nobody’s business. He is a total stranger you know, speaking strange things all the time.

First he said we should do some sole-searching. I don’t know why he spoked so. Still we searched each other’s sole. Showed him there was no nail and don’t knowed why he got angry and called us unspeakables like nobody’s business.

Then he spoked we should put our best foot forward. I said “But then all the batsmen will get LBW”. He again told me bad abuses like nobody’s business.

One more think I can share you. Walker Bhai nearly fixed the hole tournament!
He said “We will have to win it at any cost”! I asked “Walker Bhai, how many is the cost? Have you spoked to other teams and fixed their price?”

I don’t know why he said me badder abuses and threw his chappal at me like nobody’s business. Fortunately it was old, so it reverse-swung and I escapaded.

Thanks Patrick, no kidding!

2010-05-25T22:03:00.000+05:30

I always had this sneaking suspicion about Patrick Kidd.

That he is a sound egg, all virtues and no vices.

When he steps out of house, he daily thrusts a coin into the palm of a waiting beggar, pats him on the back and advises him not to waste it on drink.

In the bus, he vacates seats for elderly men and women, never jumps signal, stands patiently in queues, as and when he is in a queue, and goes about spreading light and sweetness.

Strain your eyes and you might see something around his head which you are not sure if it’s not a halo.

Goad me a little more and I would have a lump in my throat.

Well, to cut a long story short, Patrick Kidd (the Don Bradman of cricket writing) of ‘The Times’ (the Don Corleone of newspapers) has concocted a list titled “The world's 50 best cricket websites”.

And it’s the mention of Doosra there that threatens to bring the lump in my throat.

5 reasons why Yuvraj sported that ghastly French Cut in T20 WC

2010-05-23T00:09:00.000+05:30

1. He grew it as his first layer of defence against chin music;

2. Family astrologer predicted facial growth would herald an upturn in form;

3. To hide the cut marks he sustained during a routine pub brawl;

3. Had this gut feeling that India will flop in T20 WC and reckoned beard would come handy to avoid being recognized;

5. Square cuts and upper cuts are things of the past. French Cut is all he is left with.

Exclusive: How Lalit Modi was suspended!

2010-05-19T00:28:00.006+05:30

(Vijay and Siddharth Mallya suspend Lalit Modi in Monaco)

Well, when you take such an inverse view of things, no wonder all you want is to turn the world upside down.

Pardon the poor quality of the pix. But then, some say, the man is hardly any better.

Pix courtesy: Lalit Modi

7 reasons to denounce T20 WC

2010-05-15T13:16:00.001+05:30

1. Any WC with India not in final is racist;

2. Any WC with Pakistan not in final is a BCCI design;

3. Any WC with Australia in final is bigotry;

4. Any WC with England in final is a nihilist anachronism. To be honest, it’s not cricket WC at all. At best, it’s a soccer WC and that too some four-decade old;

5. Any WC with an Australia-England final is actually an Ashes prelude;

6. Any WC where Lalit Modi doesn’t dole out the gongs is rebel;

7. Any WC where Yuvraj has to broker peace in a pub brawl is absurdist.

Mango after Tendulkar, Coriander after Yuvi?

2010-05-01T22:31:00.006+05:30

Who says Tendulkars don’t grow on trees?

Thanks to a Lucknow farmer, Tendulkars will not only grow on trees but can also be sliced, juiced and even pickled without inviting homicide charges!

Spending long hours under a scorching Sun can do strange things to farmers and Doosra here puts together a list of 7 cricketers who run the immediate risk of rendering their names to certain floras à la Tendulkar.

How KKR can still win IPL III

2010-04-20T08:17:00.004+05:30

Apparently, we have seen the last of KKR in IPL III.

Ganguly’s rare athleticism, Gayle’s blings and shades, McCullum’s tattoos, Shah Rukh Khan’s soppy tweets, Juhi Chawla’s smiles that actually met at the back of her head, the foulness of the jersey's colour scheme…nothing could bring home the bacon.

But not everything is lost yet. Miracles do happen, although not as frequently as Lalit Modi’s Twitters.

With a pinch of enterprise and bit of luck, KKR can STILL win IPL III and here is how.

1. First the cinch. SRK unleashes a charm offensive and convinces Herr Lalit Modi to pluck Ramalinga Raju out of Chanchalguda jail and entrust him with the number-punching job.

It would take some persuasion indeed but once achieved, the only job left would be to put the bubbly on ice for an April 25 uncorking. Golly!

2. SRK gets Fuhrer Modi to tweak the rules and decide that the title would go to the team owner with most Tweets against his name. And no prize for guessing that SRK wins hands down here. Yippee!

Of his rivals, Nita Ambani apparently reckons Twitter is another oil company owned by her husband and you can’t blame her for that. Among others, Preity Zinta suspects Twitter is a sequel to ‘Twister’, Vijay Mallya is cocksure it’s an F1 videogame while Shilpa Shetty believes it’s a reality show and is in fact planning to sue the racist producer for leaving her out.

3. SRK seeks divine intervention and the script goes along these lines. Ganguly and gang are, as his wont, late in arriving for the prize giving ceremony at DY Patil Stadium and a devastating earthquake gobbles up other seven teams.

Deals have been signed and TV rights have been peddled. So Monsieur Modi sees no other option but to handover the title to the lone survivors KKR, who go home praising Ganguly’s vision. Whoopee!

4. IPL turns out to be actually a Karan Johar movie in which SRK looks utterly unconvincing and sensationally silly all along but still ends up on the winning side in the end.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Wishing Shoaib

2010-04-14T10:15:00.002+05:30

I’m again joy like nobody’s business. What is the because? Well, finally Shoaib Malik divorced the girl he called sister and he goed on to merry Sania Mirza, whom he fortunately doesn’t call his sister.

I called him and wished him many, many happy returns of the day. No idea why he not likening it and banged the phone. Lacks mannerism, I think.

But I not blaming him. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…waise toh sabka Malik ek hai. But it was implicated like nobody’s business. Goed through hell. Poor chap. And had to give Rs 61 lakh haq mehr to Sania. Now you knowed why I called him poor chap.

But if you questioning me, I short of liken Shoaib. He looks like a idiot, talks like a idiot and plays like a idiot. But inside, he is a 24-carrot genteel man. Inside dressing room, he is chewing carrots all the time in a corner, never throwing ten-trams like the other Shoaib.

I’m doubtless he was victim of some kind of something that ends with piracy…what you call it?...got it...conspiracy.

So I’m joy his trouble is finally over and they now can settle in Gulf. After all, all’s well that ends in oil and you don’t have more oil outside Gulf.

Reading Between Lines: What Afridi meant when he said...

2010-04-07T10:31:00.007+05:30

"Since he has gone to India he must now bring his bride home."

1. We had advised the moron not to walk into the outstretched arms of the Hyderabad Police but then fools keep rushing in where angels fear to tread;

2. Better you rot in a dungeon in Hyderabad than thinking of returning empty-handed. The message is loud and clear. Bring home the bacon, no excuse please;

3. Your silly affair has snowballed into an issue of national prestige and you must return with a bride by side. Nub of the matter is, Pakistan will not open its door to a single Shoaib;

4. Just bring home a bride, you halfwit and we won’t nitpick. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…anything will do;

5. I have a bet with Misbah-ul-Haq that Shoaib would land up marrying none of the four girls mentioned above. My money is on Rakhi Sawant to win ‘Shoaib ka Swayambar’ in one of the Indian channels.

Inside the Palace of Lalit (IPL)

2010-04-05T10:02:00.000+05:30

Servant: Sir you have been so busy, no Max Mobile Time Out at all. Couldn’t tell you that one of your dogs is missing.

LM: What? Which one?

Servant: Million Dollar. We were airing her along with Tender, Franchise and Eyeball when Million Dollar broke loose.

LM: Gosh! What the hell you people do? All incompetent nincompoops. Now the Million Dollar question is where it could have gone?

Servant: Sir, actually Million Dollar had an affair with neighbourhood Subhashbabu’s dog.

LM: Subhashbabu’s dog! You mean that ICL! Have to teach a lesson to Subhashbabu. You just can’t have your dog hobnobbing with Million Dollar when you don’t have the official flirting rights.

Servant: Too late sir, damage has already been done. Million Dollar has delivered six kittens.

LM: What! A DLF Maximum! But that is an unauthorized association! We have to lure away the entire dog family. Dangle that Amnesty dog biscuit and bring them back. Whole family, you understand?

Servant: Whole family! Including ICL? Wow, that will be a Karbonn Kamal Catch sir!

LM: Yes, I’m waiting for that Citi Moment of Success when all the dogs will be here and Subhashbabu will have only himself to go airing with. Hahahah.

You know all is not well with Yuvraj when...

2010-03-31T10:53:00.005+05:30

1. His midriff attracts more attention than that of a cheerleader;

2. His average in IPL is…well not even average, rather below-average;

3. He spends an incredible 23 days, 22 hours and 36 seconds without a bar brawl reported in media;

4. Police personnel make claims which basically mean knotted bed-sheets have been found hanging from the balcony of his hotel room;

5. He virtually usurps coach Tom Moody’s surname;

6. Sangakkara/Jayawardene sees no point in positioning him at point and exiles him to a third man;

7. Fans ponder calling him Sulk Hogan.

Pix: AP

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: I the Captain

2010-03-25T10:03:00.000+05:30

They maked me captain again. I was expecting. I actually showed my hand to family astronomer and he spoke I will get it.

I’m joy like nobody’s business and I’m fully confidential that we will defend our title.

We are practicing like nobody’s business. Other day, Salman Butt actually fell subconscious but still practiced! He is so devotee that you can’t question his royalty.

Butt is not him only. All of us wanting to doing something for which posterior would remember us.

Our team in the balance like nobody’s business.

Our batting is good. We have both shit anchors and players who can...what the thing Ravi Shastri keep shouting...yes...players who can up the aunty...god knows why Ravi wants all to up their aunty but it sounds good.

We have to play as a team, not as indivisual. I expect the fool team to be positive and come to each other’s AIDS like nobody’s business. Bowlers have to take precautions and insure they not conceive easy boundaries. Or it can get fetal.

Personally speaking myself, controversies happening all the time like nobody’s business and a captain have to put lid on them.

I give surety to all. I will lid from the front.

Unveiling Pune Pupas...err...Pune Pachyderms

2010-03-22T13:34:00.005+05:30

Lalit Modi has delivered! And lo! it’s a twin!

Metaphorically speaking, lest I’m misquoted. ‘Delivering the goods’ is how it goes, if you know your metaphors well.

So at best, Modi merely midwifed it.

Well, now that the babies have arrived, the next logical step is the christening ceremony.

So expect the IPL franchisees to summon all their creative bankruptcy and throw up a repulsive name that you never suspected anyone of decent upbringing capable of.

We already have some of the most obnoxious names in circulation and no wonder Pune and Kochi would jump onto the bandwagon, hoping to lower the bar.

Doosra has certain ideas for Pune and it maybe worth a dekko.

If you follow me closely, you’ll see the animal theme is pretty strong in IPL. Logos are littered with lions and bulls and what not!

Why spare the name?

In fact, I foresee a day when Meerut Monkeys will take on Gorakhpur Gorillas and Ballabhgarh Baboons will lock horns with Ootacamund Orangutans and the tournament will be shown on National Geography.

No prize for guessing that Arun Lal -- Piggy to friends, if any -- would be the only commentator to retain his job.

Continuing with the animal theme and showing solidarity to IPL’s save-alliteration-campaign, Pune Ponies seems sensible.

After all, it’s a rookie outfit, new to an existing eight-horse race called IPL.

And when the cookie crumbles, fans can wash their hands of, saying they backed the wrong horse.

Pune Pupas is not bad either, capturing its nascency and promising the caterpillar will become a butterfinger…err...butterfly someday.

Even if not an IPL butterfly, a social butterfly at least?

Pune Puppies sounds smart as well and who better to lead the side than Michael Clarke! Pup is free of engagements at the time of going to press.

Talking about merchandising, Pune Puppies can market footwears that would rival hush Puppies!

In contrast, Pune Pachyderms sounds odd but imposing. It would suggest their immunity to criticism.

It may lack phonetic sophistication but at least getting under their skin would be next to impossible.

7 IPL players, once domiciled

2010-03-19T10:00:00.000+05:30

1. Owais Shah=Owais Saha, Wriddhiman’s long lost brother.

2. Kumar Sangakkara=Kumar Singh Kaur (Pardon the sex change).

3. Shane Bond=Sanat Bandopadhyay.

4. Kieron Pollard=Kiran Palekar.

5. Matthew Hayden=Mutthuswami Hegde (Come on, some K’taka Brahmins do stay in Chennai)

6. Tillakaratne Dilshan=Tilak Rattan Dhillon.

7. Jean-Paul Duminy=Jaipal Dhamne.

IPL, a lexicographer’s perspective

2010-03-16T11:27:00.000+05:30

Had Samuel Johnson or Noah Webster been around, it would have spared me the trouble. Since they are not, I guess someone has to step in, spit on his palms and get on with the job.

So here are seven IPL words which Doosra believes should straightaway be in the lexicons.

1. Laliterature (la-lit-ray-chur): any text rich with recurring phrases like ‘multi-million-dollar deal’, ‘tender’, ‘rights’, ‘franchise’ etc. (e.g. The eunuchs who came to listen to Pranab Mukherjee’s budget were disappointed, admitting they could not make heads or tails of the Finance Minister’s laliterature.)

2. Yusuffering (yu-suff-ring): See-saw, yo-yoing. (e.g. Elin Nordegren finally handed Tiger Woods his hat, saying the golfer’s yusuffering fidelity was to be blamed for their parting.)

3. Mandiraxed (man-di-raxd): Dumped unceremoniously. (e.g. Sarah Palin says she is clueless why Barack Obama mandiraxed her and fell for that Chicago lamppost called Michelle.)

4. Yuvinile (yuv-nael): Excessive penchant for nightlife. (e.g. ‘Shoaib Akhtar had all the ingredients to be a great bowler but for his yuvinile indiscretions,’ rued Imran Khan.)

5. Shilparasites (shil-para-saets): gatecrashing relatives of your lady boss. (e.g. I had invited only my boss in my anniversary but she turned up with hordes of her freeloading shilparasites.)

6. Gangulyse (gang-u-lies): revive, mend. (e.g. John Terry’s tormented wife today made it clear that no amount of counseling can gangulyse her relation with her Casanova husband.)

7. Sehwagon Wheel: A wagon wheel where 4s and 6s far outnumber 1s and 2s. (e.g. Arjun Tendulkar’s Sehwagon Wheel reassured us that the youngster is following in his father’s footsteps.)

Preity Zinta and her struggle to stay positive

2010-03-15T11:36:00.003+05:30

Stripped of captaincy, your marquee player sulks all day and then sneaks out of team hotel in the dead of night.

The new captain feels awkward and doesn't even understand the language he is lampooned in.

You have an Englishman who just didn't want to be here before lucre did him in.

The long and short of it is that you find yourself pretty much in a hole.

So what do you do? You tell yourself you won’t cave in and remain positive, come what may.

Sensible indeed, one has to concede.

But getting an HIV positive woman to toss the coin! Isn’t it stretching the positive stuff too far Ms Zinta?

Yusuferman!

2010-03-14T02:08:00.000+05:30

Make no mistake, we still hate Lalit Modi. But let’s face it, IPL isn’t skin-deep cricket.

Yes sir. There is intense drama. And there is heart-wrenching tragedy too.

Come March and the Athenians had their Dionysia where Greek tragedies were staged. 26 centuries since then and March still springs tragedy on us.

His profile says he is from Baroda. Actually, Yusuf Pathan is straight from the pages of the great Greek tragedies of Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides.

Crime and Punishment II

2010-03-12T01:16:00.003+05:30

PCB wants us to believe that the Greenshirts are basically a cloak-and-dagger society. And that the innocent pastimes of its denizens include spiking each other’s drink, garnishing a teammate’s salad with generous sprinkling of potassium cyanide and frequent negotiations with the upcoming hit-man of the neighbourhood with the photo of a teammate in pocket.

Priceless drivel!

Doosra reveals the actual crimes of the Sullied Seven of Pakistan Cricket and also suggests suitable alternative punishments.

1. Younis Khan:

Crime: Tendency to quit captaincy at the drop of the hat.

Punishment: PCB should once again place the skipper’s cap on his head, having dipped its inside in Fevicol this time.

2. Mohd Yousuf:

Crime: Inability to convert starts into big knocks.

Punishment: Should be forced to keep converting, from Islam to Falun Gong, from Falun Gong to Pow-wow, from Pow-wow to Seicho-no-Ie…the idea is to keep going.

3. Shoaib Malik:

Crime: Lack of commitment.

Punishment: Should be forced to marry, this time in person, the Hyderabadi girl he had once reportedly married over phone before remorselessly selling her down the river. Once you learn the value of commitment in personal life, it automatically spills over to cricket.

4. Rana Naved-ul-Hasan:

Crime: Wearing the ugliest wig in cricket.

Punishment: Should be made to share a dormitory with Lasith Malinga till an inferiority complex gets the better of his sang-froid.

5. Shahid Afridi:

Crime: Borrowing opium from Asif that led to a hallucination in which a cricket ball appeared as an apple.

Punishment: His daily net session should begin with 500mg of unalloyed Tamarind juice, a proved antidote, shoved down his protesting throat.

6. Kamran Akmal:

Crime: Trying to give the impression that orthodontic brace industry simply doesn’t exist in Pakistan.

Punishment: His contract should have an additional clause empowering PCB to use his dental excess for outdoor advertising.

7.Umar Akmal:

Crime: Putting brotherly love ahead of team interest.

Punishment: Should be asked to memorise the full name of the Fijian cricketer IL Bula and write it 10 times before he is allowed in the nets. (By the way, Bula’s surname is Talebulamainavaleniveivakabulaimainakulalakebalau)

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Shoaib’s a fine cricketer

2010-03-08T09:52:00.003+05:30

Lend me your hair and tell you sumthing. Shoaib Irkthar is fined repeatedly again. Bloody 7 million rupees! Now I know why Imran Bhai once calld him a fine cricketer.

See, I’m a strait foreword parson and I can speak that I unlike Shoaib like nobody's bizness. Such a bloody...what you call it...hairdo?...weirdo? Whatever.

Always throwing ten-trams like nobody’s bizness. Once he gived me wisdom that I needed more serials in my food! Forget serials, my mom spoke me never to see TV at all when eating.

Shoaib have altitude problems also too. In fact, its in his jeans. He has no manors and uses fowl language like nobody’s bizness. No humidity at all. And my blood boils when he tells Urdu with a bloody New York accent!

I also unlike his habitat of cooking stories. As if we not know 99 percent of his lies are not true. Huh.

Once he tried to consult me in front of all, asking ‘where you live, by the way?’ I nearly punched his rear backside with my leg. I mean why should I live by the way? Am I a beggar?

Now PCB is fining him and at this rate, Shoaib Irkthar himself would soon live by the way. This is called iron of life.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Walker Bhai

2010-03-02T11:07:00.005+05:30

Semifinally a good news. Don’t giggle. Semifinally b’coz nothing is final in Pakistan cricket.

Coming to the gully…I mean…coming to the point…Walker Younis is going to be our new coach.

I’m joy. He is the need of the our. I liken Walker Bhai like nobody’s business. What you say in English…yes…we really gel oil.

He told me other day he has GOT three kids. I don’t know where he GOT them. Always thought they were his own. Now seems Walker Bhai adapted those baby Walkers.

By the way, Walker Bhai stays in Sydney. We most-wanted a new coach and we didn’t wanted any bloody outsider. So we got a Sydneysider.

Outsiders are always conspiring to die in a foreign hotel like nobody’s business and bringing us trouble. Woolmer did that. And then Police came like nobody’s business and asked all shorts of incomfortable questions.

I had fed up with old coach. Intikhab Alam was senile like nobody’s business. He forgots everything. He once asked me what happened to my glasses. I showed him my empty pocket and swored at him that I returned my glasses after drinking. Then he said he mistaked me for Zaheer Abbas!

He coached Indian Punjab team in Ranji Trophy. All along thoughting he was coaching Pakistani Punjab team! It is uneasy to share dressing room with such forget fools. So welcome Walker Bhai.

(P.S. I’ll tell Walker Bhai why we are losing like nobody's business. Our board is led by a Butt. Our innings is opened by a Butt. That’s why we always bring up the rear)

Reading Between Lines: Lee quits Tests

2010-02-28T11:20:00.004+05:30

"I'm not 21, I'm 33."

# A not-so-oblique dig at the authenticity of Shahid Afridi’s birth certificate in particular and the integrity of the Childbirth Registrar of Pakistan in general.

"Trying to bowl at 150kph for five days is very hard on the body."

# This current Oz line-up is infested by so many incompetent nincompoops that a bowler should be ready to bowl all five days of a Test match.

"My reason for retiring from this form of the game is so that I can preserve my body."

# The chumps in the mainstream media missed a breaking news here. Lee is learning body-preservation i.e. mummification which opens up a new alternate career option!

"It's not the finish or the end of me."

# After launching Acestar underwear, Lee’s imminent ulterior plans include cutting an album with Himesh Reshammiya and appearing in a parallel movie that pits him against Rakhi Sawant.

Pix: The Daily Telegraph
(P.S. Starting this new “Reading Between Lines” series which aims at dissecting innocuous-sounding press conferences, decoding and unmasking the hyperbole/circumlocution/gobbledegook and lay bare the naked truth for the reader’s convenience.)

Shahid Afridi's Secret Diary: Ball-Biting

2010-02-24T01:08:00.007+05:30

Saled my bloody TV to kabadiwala.

Not asking me what is the bloody because. It gaved me bloody ache in the neck like nobody's business. Every time I switched it on, it showed me biting the bloody ball like nobody's business!

Nobody trusting me when I am tolding it's accidental. They speaking its only dental. Had Inzy Bhai doing it, they would be calling it Inzydental.

My bloody blood boiled like nobody's business. I gave two bloody whistles too and nearly became a bloody pressure cooker!

Every time I looked at the TV, I saw myself like nobody's business. I once mistook it for mirror and started combing my hair in front!

Then I used my head. Saw Zidane doing it to Materazzi. Never knewed it hurts like nobody's business. The TV set on the floor swimmed before me. But I recall who I is. So it should be OK.

I realised the bloody footage must have got stuck somewhere behind the TV screen like nobody's business. Happens with bloody gramophones. Something stucking and you hear the same line repeatedly again. So thoughted to sale it and broughting a new set.

These media !@#$%&* made a bloody fortune out of that footage. It's buffaloing like nobody's business! First they ask for bite and when you bite, these sons-of-what-nuts still have problems! They are jealous of us success fool peoples like nobody's business.

I'm sure when they wenting to hell, the Almighty will make Kakori Kebabs of them and feed them to Musharraf's dogs like nobody's business.

Tomorrow, one toothpaste company approached me to biting the ball again in their commercial. I was agree. After all, two err is human. And I have erred only once. Have seeken PCB's permission, hope they allow.

(P.S. This is the beginning of a brand new Shahid Afridi's Secret Diary series, the frequency of which would be directly proportional to the availability of the required brainwaves.)

More Tests in Eden, please

2010-02-17T09:35:00.001+05:30

Have you seen them in queue before the ticket counter, Sir? I have.

A student had bunked class. A clerk had played truant. A shopkeeper had concocted a cock-and-bull story for his bossy wife and a youth sold a white lie to his girlfriend to be in the same sweaty serpentine queue with strange people.

And they laughed heartily as they talked about how they made their way and admired each other's ingenuity.

Shoved now and then by the mounted police, these faceless people, brought together by a common passion, had to be inside, Sir.

For just being inside would insulate them from all the ills of their daily life. Inflation, unemployment, marginalization, ideological disillusion, political cynicism, diminishing role models...

In the end of it all, some returned home with a ticket in their pocket and a smug smile on their lip.

Others dragged themselves back. But it was not over yet. As is with life, there always are a few more stones to be turned.

And the match-morning, they would invariably be inside! Having begged, borrowed or stolen there passage.

And once inside, they do wonder, Sir.

They give Harbhajan his spunk, mojo and bragging right back.

They turn Butterfinger into Goldfinger and make Laxman take blinders and do strange things with his willow.

They send nostalgia permeating through the air. They talk reverently about Dravid and indulgently about Azhar. And moan how they miss Kumble.

Sir, they infuse new life in the corpse and make Test cricket jump off its bier and pirouette!

There must be something about these people. Let's have more Tests at Eden, sir.

Please.

Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye!

2010-02-11T10:00:00.005+05:30

Stop me if you have heard/read this before.

Apparently, the tolerance level for bad singers is pretty low among the Filipinos. And even lower when it comes to Frank Sinatra's version of 'My Way'.

Nip a potential Himesh Reshammiya in the bud – pretty much sums up the feeling there.

And they don't belong to that shallow school of thought that restricts its displeasure to hurling a few rotten eggs here and a few stale tomatoes there and go home content with the false conviction that they have done their bit to earn a night's repose.

According to modest estimates, half a dozen such poor singers have vanished off the face of earth for their fatally imperfect rendition of the number. The local media keeps a tally of what they call 'My Way Killings'.

The general consensus among the crooners there is that you sing the number in the local Karaoke bars only after you have: i) a bullet-proof jacket inside; ii) updated your life insurance premiums; iii) signed the will in presence of your lawyers; and iv) kissed your kid on the forehead one last time.

So now you know why Harbhajan Singh should thank his stars that: i) he's not a singer; and ii) he's an Indian to boot.

Pix: AP

(P.S. 'My Way' lyric here)

Exclusive: Sneak peek into Pawar-Thackeray meeting!

2010-02-08T12:28:00.006+05:30

Blogosphere nearly had its first martyr!

Being a fly on the wall has its own peril. More so when your insurance premium is not updated.

To cut a long story short, Doosra flirted with peril to be privy to the IPL sweet nothings that Sharad Pawar (SP) and Bal Thackeray (BT) whispered in Mumbai!

For the facts, BCCI President Shashank Manohar was also present on the occasion but his contribution to the discussion was largely limited to goggling at SP and BT, besides the occasional feet-shuffling.

Excerpts:

SP: Balasaheb, this is not done.

BT: I'm happy you acknowledge it. Sugar costs as much as silver. Pulse drops when you ask about pulse price…

SP: Err...you got me wrong Balasaheb. I was talking about IPL. Why aren't you allowing the Australian players in Mumbai?

BT: Allow them! Over my dead body! I just can't let them here. What if they settle here and start driving taxis? Picture them bargaining with passengers in English, and not in Marathi! Whither Marathi Manoos?

SP: Come on Balasaheb, cricketers are well off. Most of them have chauffer-driven sedans. Why should they drive taxi here?

BT: This is hogwash, cricketers being rich. The other day I read about some underfed cricketer, some Afridi tribesman, eating ball. Such is their plight and you want me to believe they are rich? Rich, forsooth!

SP: Come on. He's just a mad guy.

BT: And you guys chased that mad guy? Is it Indian Premier League or India's Premier Loonies?

SP: Come on Balasaheb, what's your problem?

BT: Now that you asked me, arthritis has confined me to bed. I don't see much either. The other day I spilled some secret beans to Raj, mistaking him for Uddhav. The beard itches and doctors said after so many years, the sunglass can only surgically be removed. Hell lot of problems. Old age you know…

SP: Oh...Balasaheb, I meant why don't you let the Australians play here?

BT: Allow them there! Over my dead body. No, actually I can. But I have conditions.

SP: I'm all ears.

BT: Brett lee should become Brett Liquor...err...I meant Brett Leekar.

SP: What!

BT: Yes. Then they should celebrate Valentines Day getting rakhi tied on their wrists by their girlfriends. They should write exclusive columns in 'Samna' and subscribe it as well. Nobody reads it these days you know. Then irrespective of their teams, they would say 'Jai Maharashtra' before beginning every press conference, eat only Vada Pao in lunch and discuss Chhatrapati Maharaj in team meetings. You understand?

Servant: Sir they left long ago. Congratulations sir, this year's IPL will be without the Australians. Mr Pawar made a TV announcement just now.

Cartoon: Satish Acharya

Make Hashim Amla Gujarat’s Brand Ambassador!

2010-02-04T10:13:00.003+05:30

It won't probably come under 'Off The Rocker' head but sample the recent decisions and you know the celebrated Modi acumens too have their occasional feet of clay.

Simply not at their best, neither Lalit nor Narendra (NM henceforth).

Take the case of the Gujarat strongman. Otherwise a sound egg, NM made Amitabh Bachchan (AB henceforth), God bless his daughter-in-law, Gujarat's brand ambassador!

This is when the moth-eaten fabrics, smelly hair oil, stop-start pens and rummy cements that AB peddles on telly are certified dust-gatherers.

And AB visits Gujarat only when his flight can't land in Mumbai and needs to crash-land in Ahmedabad.

Paris Hilton is more Gujarati than AB, you might say.

So why not make Hashim Amla (HA henceforth) Gujarat's brand ambassador, NM?

HA has Gujarati roots at least!

And like all successful Gujaratis, he has only roots in the state while the trunk and branches continue to flourish abroad. What's the Big (B) deal?

Pluck a beard each and HA beats AB, and beats him hollow.

Also consider that HA doesn't even wear alcohol logos, which would have fitted like glove with the state's policy of sobriety.

If NM's heart can bleed for the Gujaratis in Kenya, why not the nearby Durban?

One plausible reason could be that NM doesn't like the name, Hashim Amla. But there is a way out!

Call him Hashmukh Amin then and make him Gujarat's brand ambassador!

7 reasons why Afridi bit the ball

2010-02-01T01:46:00.004+05:30

1. Afridi had exhausted his supply of chewing gum;

2. Someone told him cricket ball is called cherry and being the unsuspecting soul, he took it rather literally;

3. He was conducting some rudimentary research for a scientific paper on 'Edibility of A Cricket Ball';

4. He wanted to get back at teammates who taunted his bowling lacked bite;

5. To convey the message that Pakistan is not a toothless side;

6. He was doing an Adam-biting-the-forbidden-fruit-in-Garden-of-Eden impersonation for a reality show;

7. He had a bet with Stuart Broad that his teeth are stronger than the Englishman's boot nails.

Pandit Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar and @&#$%* Sehwag

2010-01-29T01:08:00.003+05:30

Sehwag hums bhajan. Tendulkar croons Dire Straits numbers. Just shows the protégé and the mentor are not necessarily peas of the same ipod.

Apart from being in the same bowler-butchering-business, their common grounds run out fast.

When Tendulkar speaks, you start believing he either doesn't have a tongue or an opinion. Diplomatic circumlocution at its best, critics put it rather harshly.

Sehwag, on the other hand, belongs to the school of thought that advocates tongue-wagging comes strictly under Heart's sole jurisdiction and Brain would do well to take a walk.

When Tendulkar opens his mouth, trust him not to put a foot wrong. When Sehwag opens his, it's mostly to accommodate his own upwardly mobile restless foot.

So while Tendulkar continues to bolster his post-retirement case for the sensitive job of Indian High Commissioner in Washington or Islamabad, Sehwag doesn't seem fit for even Dhaka.

Even Dhaka! Certainly not Dhaka, especially after his ordinary-side gaffe!

In stark contrast, The Tendulkar Cult grew in strength and opened its Bangladesh chapter after the Master Magnanimous went to the Tigers’ dressing room and blessed the awe-struck cubs.

Have you seen a Hindustani classical singer in the process of uttering the name of his Guru? A light of veneration gleams in his eyes as he raises a polite hand to touch the earlobe with unalloyed veneration.

Next time India returns to Bangladesh, I can see the Tigers doing the same whenever they refer to Tendulkar. 'It's Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar,' they would point out with a silent rebuke.

As for Sehwag, well, I'm afraid it would be just the surname, preceded by a largely unparliamentary assortment of crossbones, asterisks, skulls, stars and practically what not!

Who are you Shahadat?

2010-01-26T11:17:00.008+05:30

There are players who catch your eye. Shahadat Hossain is different. He catches your ear.

Pressed into service, he de-caps himself and sets out. Fairly longish run-up. You curse Shoaib Akhtar for being such a bad influence.

In ODIs, his captain shakes his head and fishes out a chart from pocket. It shows how much his match-fee shrunk.

Teammates cross fingers. Crowd's heart is in their mouth. Is he leaving the field?

No. Shahadat finally stops. He turns, ruffles his hair and runs.

The batsman saw him retreating into a blot. Now the blot swells into a blur. Shahadat begins his voyage, like one of those Narayangunj steamers.

He approaches the umpire, ghosts past him, leaps, lands and delivers it with a grunt!

AAHHH!

As if he had a vile lunch which he wants to throw up.

As if he had half-swallowed a pregnant toad but then had a second thought and was trying to reverse the process.

Or he's putting up his impersonation of a mother-in-labour.

Beyond doubt, Shahadat labours. And he delivers as well. So, in all fairness, issues should not be made if he grunts too.

And there sneaks in the suspicion. Could it be possible that Shahadat actually is a woman's soul trapped in a male body?

Or maybe beneath the veneer, he is Monica Seles in disguise!

Cast aside the snickometer, bring out the grunt-o-meter. We must get to the bottom of the mystery.

7 potential alternative careers in cricket

2010-01-24T00:57:00.009+05:30

Whenever they speak, some cricketers can be quite thought-provoking. For instance, your first thought after hearing Player A could be a wishful one – wish the proverbial cat had gotten his tongue and was not sighted since.

Some cricketers can also make a believer out of you. The first sentence has barely left Player B's lips and you start believing that human tongue functions independently of human brain.

And then there are certain cricketers, who help you understand things around. Like exactly what thought went behind adding a MUTE button to all remote controls.

But then there are others who make interesting reading and from whatever I listened/read over the last few days, I have no doubt that the seven cricketers below would have made quite a good name in other professions. Cricket's-gain-is-god-knows-what's-loss stuff, I mean.

Sample the men and their utterances.

1. Miandad the Microbiologist: "T20 cricket is a virus". (Tendulkar, clearly from the other school of thought, felt T20 was dessert. Talk about one man’s meat being another man’s poison.)

2. Dr Sunil Gavaskar, MBBS: "The way they (Indian fielders) are going about it (dropping catches), despite the cold weather I doubt if they will be able to catch a cold."

3. Adam Parore the Cardiologist: "Jesse Ryder may have the longest lower abdominal strain in history - someone with a heart transplant would have been back quicker."

4. Wayne Parnell the Actuary: "It’s (the $610,000 hole he created in Daredevils’ pocket) a huge sum of money!"

5. Matthew Hayden, Oz High Commissioner to India: "I have been welcomed into the bosom of India as a brother." (Sourav Ganguly now calls him Hayden da, one hears).

6. Lalit Modi the Environmentalist: "For every effigy burnt I will go and plant 200 trees".

7. Jamie Siddons the Proctologist: "His (Sehwag’s) comments (that Bangladesh is an ordinary side) might bite him on his bum in a few years' time."

7 players and why they didn't hit IPL jackpot

2010-01-21T10:07:00.005+05:30

1. Brad Haddin: Teams agreed exposing the impressionable Indian juvenile populace to gloved crooks might adulterate their spiritual make-up and vitiate the values;

2. Philip Hughes: The idea of finding secret team strategies all over Twitter on the match-eve didn't appeal to anyone;

3 & 4. Monty Panesar & Mark Ramprakash: Shelved for a future Indian-origins' Premier League.

5. Shahid Afridi: His impersonation of Statue of Liberty after every dismissal was found neither original nor aesthetic;

6. Vernon Philander: The surname cooked his goose;

7. Sulieman Benn: With Mitchell Johnson and Haddin not in IPL, Benn would have been of limited utility.

7 players and why they hit IPL jackpot

2010-01-20T09:57:00.002+05:30

1. Kieron Pollard: To fill the Resident Hairdo Weirdo's post lying vacant since Robin Uthappa left Mumbai Indians;

2. Shane Bond: To bolster West Bengal Police which cut such a sorry figure against the Maoists;

3. Mohd Kaif: Owes his contract to misunderstanding. With Preity Zinta nursing a sore heart, Kings XI Punjab wanted an actress for their new video and thought Katrina Kaif was on offer. Ms Zinta later strongly resented this skullduggery by Lalit Modi;

4. Eoin Morgan: A man of well-known scruples, Vijay Mallya wanted a Catholic taster for his breweries. Besides, he was under the impression that the stripling was ICC chief David Morgan's offspring;

5. Damien Martyn: The mothballed veteran was plucked out of retirement to fill the babysitting void at Rajasthan Royals since Kamran Akmal was not at hand;

6. Wayne Parnell: Delhi Daredevils could not get over its infatuation for players nicknamed 'Pigeon';

7. Yousuf Abdulla: Hear it here first. A grateful Lalit Modi paid the money from his pocket as a Thank-You gesture to South Africa for hosting IPL II.

The rascal is a romantic

2010-01-15T10:28:00.006+05:30

Ricky Ponting tops a popularity chart only when it's hung upside down.

As far as modesty is concerned, Idi Amin looks more an agreeable chap, if not the seraph altogether.

Gracewise, well, call him WG Grace. Without a Grain of Grace in his spiritual make-up, if you know what I mean.

And you would be baffled by your own austerity when you call him a rascal.

But when you are told that the pocket-size devil doesn't part with his worn-out baggy green cap and would have it rather repaired than replaced, it makes you feel pretty silly.

Let's face it, the rascal is a proud romantic.

Pix

Mother of all fatherhood stories

2010-01-11T11:48:00.005+05:30

If you ever come across an adult male Darwin Frog and greet him with a hearty 'Hi', chances are that your partner-in-conversation would shush you and pantomime his inability to reciprocate because he is raising tadpoles in his vocal sac!

Similarly, a little inquiry about a familiar male Seahorse's suddenly bulging abdominal pouch would tell you that the same was bursting at the seam not as an aftermath of previous night's reckless dinner but because he was carrying the family embryo in it!

Ask about the sudden vanishing-into-thin-air of a neighbouring male Emperor Penguin and common pals would inform you that the poor guy is hard pressed for time since his female partner has washed her hands of the issue soon after laying the egg, leaving the job of incubating to him alone.

Now if you feel you've hard all about responsible fatherhood, hold your seahorses. Here comes the mother of all fatherhood stories.

Kamran Akmal dropped his world at SCG because all-night babysitting left him Sleepless in Sydney!

Reports claim with a steady stream of Z filling the speech balloon of his wife, Akmal could be seen pacing the floor of the Sydney hotel all night with his child in his arms. Fortunately, no flooring-of-the-sitter was reported.

No wonder when he sleepwalked into the ground next morning, Akmal was not interested in edges. All he wanted to catch was some sleep.

So Akmal dropped sitter. And now his team is set to drop the babysitter.

The perceived toothlessness of Kamran Akmal

2010-01-08T11:24:00.004+05:30

Factually speaking, Kamran Akmal doesn't give you the impression of being a toothless glovesman.

On the contrary, he comes across more as an assortment of molar, premolar, canine and what not.

If Anil Kumble is Jumbo –- a dentist is bound to question the soundness of the simile -- Akmal is Mammoth. Now take that.

But form and fortune can be as fickle as Liz Taylor in her pomp, which is roughly 1950-91 when she married eight times to seven husbands. And Akmal, although a mammoth cricketer in his own rights, experienced the same in Sydney.

Both literally and figuratively, he dropped the ball at SCG. Ball after ball to be more accurate. And now his team is reciprocating, dropping him like a hot brick.

Now that leaves us with just one Akmal in Hobart and no prize for guessing that it's not the one long in the tooth.

P.S. Was searching for Kamran Akmal's photo. All I could lay my hands on was this Nestle product.

A Suspect Cricketer

2010-01-06T10:09:00.002+05:30

Both Ganguly and Wright had this sneaking suspicion that beneath the boy lurked a man. A yeoman.

A look at him and the selectors had this eerie feeling that they have seen future.

Those who sedulously tarred the walls of his Allahabad residence had this doubt that he did not try enough in 2003 World Cup.

Chappell, on his part, suspected he was a Ganguly henchman, who might spike his drink and then wait round the corner with a country-made gun.

And now umpires report him for a suspect bowling action in a Ranji match!

Show me a cricketer who has dealt with more doubt, suspicion and mistrust than Mohammad Kaif and I'll show you a liar.

Doosra Annual Award 2009

2010-01-03T22:12:00.005+05:30

Dhoni could not believe it. Sehwag didn't like it. Pietersen rather resented it and Dirk Nannes was quite livid.

I assured them justice delayed is justice denied alright but they need not harbour similar insecurity about Doosra annual awards.

So without much ado, here goes the 2009 gongs:

1. Hosiery Society's Rookie Designer of the Year: Andrew Flintoff, for his socks;

2. Lingerie Wholesaler Association's Newcomer of the Year: Shane Warne, for his brief designs;

3. Youngest Grandpa Citation: Sachin Tendulkar;

4. M(e)an Booker Prize: Justin Langer, for his dossier on English cricketers;

5. Social Networker of the Year: Phil Hughes, for his Twittergate.

6. Honorary Doctorate: Sunil Gavaskar for diagnosing that the butter-finger Indians are incapable of even catching cold.

7. Quisling Memorial Trophy for Fifth Columnist of the Year: Virender Sehwag, for supporting opponents in close ties.

8. The inaugural Regit Sdoow Cup: Kevin Pietersen for being the perfect husband and seeking leave to watch his wife's dance prorgamme on TV. (Regit Sdoow is Tiger Woods reversed, for the uninitiated).

9. Thomas Edison Medal: Tillakaratne Dilshan for inventing ‘Dilscoop’.

10. Lord Snooty of the Year: Ram Gopal Verma, for mistaking Dhoni for an aspiring actor;

15. Cricketer Sans Border Plaque: Dirk Nannes, for effortlessly two-timing Netherlands and Australia.

16. Noam Chomsky Medal: Again Dirk Nannes, for being the only Japanese-speaking cricketer.

(Read Doosra Annual Award 2008 here)

The hirsute angle of Kotla fiasco

2009-12-28T16:31:00.001+05:30

Pacers hunt in pair. Commentators haunt in couple.

Hear it here first, Gavaskar and Bhogle are a couple. Strictly numerically speaking, lest there is any confusion or worse, a defamation suit!

Gavaskar missed Bhogle in Kotla. Mind you, Bhogle is no Neo-commentator, rather he is the archetypal. And Gavaskar is a pal of the archetypal.

The moment he saw the Kotla track, it reminded him of Bhogle’s dome and Gavaskar said it was hair transplant pitch. Few knew, that was a tribute to Bhogle.

Not even the Sri Lankans who confronted Gavaskar in the evening. They wanted him to issue a rejoinder. It was not a hair-transplant strip. It was hair-raising, they argued.

And they took off Kandamby's helmet to drive home the point.

The Lankans also put forward the case of Samaraweera. The same Samaraweera whose bullet-blunting stunt in Lahore put him in the same bracket with Dharmendra.

But even the same Samaraweera was not ready to bite the bullet this time and was rather happy to be back to the pavilion.

In fact so happy that he offered a cup of tea to Kandamby -– who had sold him down the river calling for that non-existent run -- when a juicy thwack on the latter’s posterior would have about met the case.

In the end, Gavaskar was convinced. Staying with the hirsute theme, he apparently was in no mood to split hairs.

When Santa met Bhajji

2009-12-25T11:07:00.006+05:30

When two boisterous men, both bearded to the teeth and turbaned to the gills, come together with Christmas in the air, bear hugs and mutual backslapping are expected to be the order of the day.

But at times, even the most perfect of scripts go awry and what follows is something starting with a P and has a demon in it. I think Pandemonium is the word I'm groping for, unless it's one of those chemical elements which sign off with an 'ium'.

So when Santa Clause met Bhajji, one expected them to hit it off like a house on fire. Instead, it turned out to be a harrowing experience for Father Christmas.

Bhajji was in a foul mood. In his elements, if you insist.

In contrast, Santa had enough warmth in his voice to force another Copenhagen as he greeted Bhajji.

"Merry Christmas!"

The bonhomie was somehow missing on Bhajji's part.

"Oye Papaji, mind your language. Has your Pyo brought the exclusive rights that you go about the town claiming 'Meri Christmas'? If you don't want me to box your ear, tell 'It's Everybody's Christmas'."

Santa shielded his bafflement with a patronizing smile.

"Well, it's everybody’s Christmas of course."

Bhajji sort of relented but clearly wasn't convinced of the stranger's bona fide.

"That's better. By the way, haven't seen you earlier. Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Santa Clause."

Bhajji's eyes bulged again.

"Santa what?"

What followed immediately is the experience I have undergone more than once in my childhood.

It's the standard modus operandi of the neighbourhood bullies to grab you by your arm, twist it as if it's a doorknob and pull it up like a lever till it's horizontal to the terra firma – thus preempting any resistance – before planting some of the juiciest on your defenceless back.

More than the assault itself, its suddenness had unnerved Santa and emanating from the depth of his facial undergrowth was an assortment of Err, Hey, Ohh, Ouch, Stop, What-the-Hell before he finally managed to free himself from the vice-like grip.

Massaging his mangled arm, Santa sounded less genial as he instituted an inquiry.

"What the hell...I mean why did you attack me? You nearly yanked my arm!"

Panting after his attempt at disarmament of the opponent, Bhajji was clearly baffled by his naivety.

"Why I beat you? Santa CLAUSE! Must be a relative of that *&%$#@ Whereabout Clause. Don't I know you have a bottle in your sack and you have been shadowing me all along to see when I relieve myself?"

Last remnants of geniality gone from his eyes — and honestly one could not blame him – Santa finally exercised some authority.

"Stop it, you moron. I don't know what the hell you are gibbering about. See, there is no bottle in my sack."

Bhajji was clearly shaken. At least stirred, if not shaken altogether.

"You mean you don't even know Whereabout Clause? I'm sorry then. No hard feelings, ok? See I slapped Sreesanth also and he too made peace later. We exchange dance steps now. You know what? Lalit Modi had actually threatened to auction us, not in IPL but among the cannibal tribes in Papua New Guinea, if we did not kiss and make up."

The change in air did little as Santa still eyed Bhajji with no little suspicion. Bhajji, on his part, was at his garrulous best, trying to strike a conversation.

"Sure you aren't Ramesh Powar trying to make a comeback in disguise? (laughs) I'm kidding buddy. So you come from North Pole? What brought you here?"

Santa was under the impression that Bhajji's query was on mode of transport.

"Reindeers."

Bhajji was surprised. He outstretched his arm and then looked at Santa.

"Rain! It's not raining dear. Why should it rain in winter? And I don't see Duckworth or Lewis either. They appear without failing whenever it rains."

A little explanation was the need of the hour but Bhajji retained that baffled look.

"Why reindeer man? Get a life, get a Hummer. I have one. Dhoni has one. If you want I can talk to the distributor for some discount."

Having retained his sang-froid, Santa finally opened his mouth.

"Thanks but no thanks. Sonny, my arm comes in the way of saying it was a pleasure meeting you. Never mind, I have something to give you before I depart."

Santa fished out a rolled strip and handed it over to Bhajji.

"I don't watch cricket but I'm told you've forgotten the basics. So I give you this tape to measure your line and length. You still will be left with another yard or so and for humanity's sake, tape your mouth with that. Bye."

Moksha, at night

2009-12-20T10:15:00.010+05:30

To fling my arms wide
In some place of the sun,
To whirl and to dance
Till the white day is done.

Then rest at cool evening
Beneath a tall tree
While night comes on gently,
Dark like me-
That is my dream!

To fling my arms wide
In the face of the sun,
Dance! Whirl! Whirl!
Till the quick day is done.

Rest at pale evening...
A tall, slim tree...
Night coming tenderly
Black like me.

#

Damir Dokic, Jim Pierce, Peter Graff, Richard Williams, A S Bindra, Yograj Singh...

As a class, fathers of sports celebrities tend to talk crap.

But I remember a particular interview of Sourav Ganguly's father for its rare insight into the agony of a flawed enigma.

The Prince had become The Pariah and stayed aloof even at home.

Affectionate friends and careworn family members would take him to a corner, put a sympathetic arm around his shoulder and tell him that chasing rainbows has never done anyone good.

Ganguly would nod but no one was really sure they were being listened to.

When the world around him had withdrawn, a sleepless Ganguly would get a domestic help to throw ball at him in the middle of night and do the knocking in their sprawling drawing room.

In the adjoining bedroom, an upset Ganguly Sr would shake his head and tell his wife how their tormented son had completely lost it.

And what followed was the mother of all comeback stories.

From Bengal Tiger to his American cousin.

Reports trickle in that Tiger Woods, a thoroughly deserving butt of popular dirty jokes, eagerly waits for the night to descend on his Florida mansion so that he can sneak out to a nearby golf course to ease his mind.

Away from prying eyes, a dimly-lit, empty course with the man and his craft.

The same guy who relished flashbulbs now seeks obscurity in the dark and all his own making.

Tiger has fallen from grace. Responsible parents have removed his poster from their kids' study room and burnt it in the backyard.

But let there be no illusion. Golf has seldom been in more need of a comeback story.

REVEALED: Sehwag was Attila in previous birth!

2009-12-18T23:13:00.003+05:30

In a way, he could have been Bertie Wooster's Aunt Agatha, widely suspected of eating broken bottles and turning into a werewolf at the time of full moon.

Discerning eyes will seldom miss the semblance of Conan the Barbarian.

But years – no, actually hours – of research, into history and his story, led Doosra to this mindboggling piece of jaw-dropper.

Hear it here first. Sehwag was Attila the Hun in his previous birth!

Picture them together and you have two identical thickset men, topped by a sizeable dome.

History books -- rather dicey source of unverifiable gossips about loonies who have decomposed long ago and hence not in a position to expose the fraudsters who spread the canard – suggest unlike his peers, Attila fussed about triumph.

He insisted it be soaked in blood and made to look as gory as possible.

In fact I’d hazard that if you could frisk him and lived to tell the tale, you’d have invariably retrieved from his pocket a chit with the existing blood-shedding record written across it.

Now closely watch Attila in his reincarnation.

Others merely bat but where Sehwag differs is in his penchant to make the bowlers bleed. Sixes and fours that is. After all, Sehwag inhabits an allegedly civil society infested by suspected human rights groups!

Returning to the rail, Attila perpetrated Vandalism. Sehwag practises Virenderism.

Attila chest-thumped – his modesty clearly nothing to write home about – "Where my hordes has trodden, no grass grows."

And note how the same vegetation-scorching streak finds ample manifestation in Sehwag’s ground-strokemaking!

The Romans, their manicured tails neatly tucked between their dainty legs, considered Attila a devil.

Sehwag, on his part, is an unabashed and rather a contracted Daredevil, Delhi Daredevil to be precise.

Lack of access to the willow Sehwag wields does handicap any honest effort to establish a link between the Sword of Attila and the Blade of Virender.

But as far as savagery is concerned, it would only suffice to say that both have really raised the bar.

Why? Why? Why?

2009-12-16T12:11:00.002+05:30

# Tiger Woods -- census at the time of going to press puts his collection of mistresses exactly level-par with his 14 Majors -- has, well nearly had, a drink named after him;

# Rafael Nadal, known for his feat of clay, has an asteroid named after him;

# Gabriela Sabatini, the alpha ooh-inducing racquetier of her days, has a rose bearing her name;

# Even Jonah Lomu, who earned his stripes rewriting rugby records in the day and stealing protégé’s wife in the night, has a volcano named after him;

Any explanation for this inordinate heel-dragging in naming one of the rocket-launching stations after Virender Sehwag even when a toddler knows that he has planted far more spheres in the orbit?

(P.S Also read 11 Indian cricketers and things that could be named after them.)

Why you need to think twice before getting chummy with Yuvi

2009-12-14T13:00:00.002+05:30

What do you do on your birthday?

Majority of the populace tends to throw a party in the evening. Blowing some timid candles here, cutting an innocuous cake there, if you know what I mean.

And then you realise that the fiends who run the local bakery have sold you down the river and gift-wrapped what is essentially glorified cow dung, the mass consumption of which is liable to invite hardball genocide charges.

Too late to pencil in a substitute, you figure out the lone purpose that the crystalised bovine excreta can serve under the circumstances. So you astutely declare open the face-smudging ceremony, a microcosm of the dog-eat-dog world we live in.

Eggs all over face – for that is supposed to be the binding agent in a cake – everyone is out to deface every map in circulation and you grope in vain for that elusive face-saver.

From fitness point of view, it's quite a calorie-combusting exercise and the verve and vim of the frolic party nosedive once they have completed the gamut of faces on offer.

This is invariably followed by generous knocking back of the liquor on offer and benevolent wolfing down of the munchables around.

A clandestine stocktaking of the gifts and a formal vote of thanks precede the dropping of the curtain and that is by and large how an average birthday party goes.

But then some people have other ideas.

For instance, Yuvi is not content just being the pie-chucker, as Kevin Pietersen had once classified him.

History witness, Yuvi takes his birthday bash quite seriously, and literally as well.

On his 25th birthday party, Yuvi bashed one of the frolickers, apparently because he had the guts and gall to be his namesake.

On his 28th, Yuvi bashed a Lankan side which had at least two of his Kings XI Punjab pals in it.

Well, lack of data on his other birthday bashes sort of undermine the credibility of this study but since prevention is often better than cure, think twice before you gate matey with him.

For it comes with that 'at-your-own-peril' tag.

Why BCCI deserves a Padma Bibhishan

2009-12-09T09:57:00.005+05:30

When you have a 10:1 cerebral advantage over your opponent, theoretically your win is merely a matter of time and formalities.

Unless one of your siblings responds to the name of Bibhishan, that is.

An average Norwegian was content munching his lutefisk or Kjøttkaker, depending on his preference, and humming Ja, vi elsker dette landet.

Till one of them, a blighter by the name of Vidkun Quisling, popped up to facilitate the Nazi invasion of his own country.

Siraj-Ud-Daulah had a fair chance in the Battle of Plassey. Before his lieutenant Mir Jafar crossed the floor and hugged Robert Clive, that is.

India's stint as the No. 1 Test team could have been longer. But then BCCI had meticulously cooked their goose and inked just 2 Tests in the next 11 months.

You probably feel like borrowing the 5-iron wielded so deftly by Elin Nordegren and spank the colossal fatheads at BCCI.

A less violent breed, I demand a Padma Bibhishan for Shashank Manohars and Lalit Modis.

Sehwag redefines beauty

2009-12-07T10:28:00.006+05:30

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Or something to that effect.

That was by and large what Messrs Shakespeare & Franklin told us and needless to say we took them at face value.

Untangled, the saying basically means you may categorise Paris Hilton as God's unfinished project but there would always be colossal fatheads like Cristiano Ronaldo who would drool over her, even if momentarily.

Or take the vastly polarising act of spitting on others for instance.

While it's generally accepted as one of the five sureshot ways of incurring a black eye, the same act would endear you no end if the other guy happens to speak Maa, worship Engai and live in an Inkajijik somewhere in Masai Mara.

It's a matter of perception, we are told.

Now sample this:

In the dressing room they told me I was hitting the good balls too. But if you look at it my way I hit only the bad ones.

Don't allow the Team India bonhomie con you. Sehwag clearly doesn't see eye-to-eye with his teammates when it comes to the aesthetics of a delivery.

What his teammates perceive as good appears simply rotten to him.

He has redefined batting. Now Sehwag redefines beauty.

Let's get the saying right. Lack of beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

(P.S. Revisit the 7 tenets of Sehwag's batting)

Why ‘keepers should not be skippers

2009-12-03T11:49:00.005+05:30

It is like opening a hair salon in a locality where the Yul Brynners jostle for space with the Bruce Willises, Michael Jordons, Ben Kingsleys and Syed Kirmanis.

Or like stacking the racks with long gowns and then expecting a clientele that includes prominent minimalists like Kim Kardashian, Jordan, Pamela Anderson and Rihanna.

How else can you explain the plight of MS Dhoni's country-cousins-in-gloves?

Truth is the Parthiv Patels, Dinesh Karthiks and Wriddhiman Sahas have hit their cricketing cul de sac.

There is just one vacancy at the top and Dhoni has sealed it for good. Now where does that leave the Parthivs, Karthiks and Sahas?

Every day, they get up in a trance, shove their fists in those roomy gloves and hit the nets. Balls after balls thud onto their palms till they are numb and fingers sore.

But at the end of the day – even at the start of the day, for that matter – they know they are going nowhere.

Well, not exactly. Karthik is going places, but only literally.

Karthik spends most of his time in airports, clocking up frequent flyer's miles as Dhoni's cover. Pathiv is apparently contemplating a Dhokla joint near Royal Albert Hall in London. Saha says his IPL riches allows for a modest Telebhaja counter near Sealdah station.

The desperation has had some worrying effects on Karthik's sensitive psyche.

Already he has started chasing the umpire, tried his hands at bowling and did some crazy captaining – declaring Tamil Nadu's first innings only to see Himachal Pradesh overtake them!

All in his bid to reinvent himself and make him relevant.

I'm afraid, this career stagnation can lead to stranger things.

For instance, spiking Dhoni's drink with a steroid at the first available opportunity and fix him for good.

Or praying that cricket’s loss becomes Bhojpuri film industry's gain.

Or making a career switch altogether.

The point I'm driving at – 'keepers should not be made skippers. It can stamp out an entire generation of stumpers.

Sangakkara used to keep. Now he keeps it to himself, while PJ keeps to others.

High time BCCI took a leaf out of the Lankan book.

Gauti no dino

2009-12-01T09:15:00.001+05:30

Frankly speaking, I have not seen anyone getting nostalgic about his or her Life Science book.

You just cannot be about what is largely an assortment of outrageous lies that suggests our forefathers had their tail between their legs and it's not metaphorically speaking.

It further claims till date, we are carrying a defunct remnant of that embarrassment tucked somewhere down our spine!

Elsewhere, they want you to believe that in another era, snakes shook a leg, pigs could fly and fishes used bicycles to commute.

Utter nonsense. Childhood would be better off without those ghastly lies.

A little more plausible was the chapter on dinosaurs. How they went about the place throwing their weight around – even their infants weighed more than a full-fledged Inzamam-ul-Haq -- and flexing muscles as if it was their parental property.

And then one fine morning, the giant lizards simply dropped off the face of the earth.

It turned out the colossal fatheads were too busy munching junk and bullying others to evolve and had to make a hasty exit.

Moral of the story – evolve or exit.

Gautam Gambhir burst into the scene as a brash southpaw, devoid of the natural grace of a Gower or Lara, and with a penchant for wrecking bowling figures and picking fights with oversize opponents.

One leisurely noon, he turned the pages of the Life Science book and stopped on the chapter on dinosaurs.

Now he can perform solo, play second fiddle, go ballistic, stay anchored, open the floodgates, finish a match...

Moral of the story – Gambhir is no dinosaur.

P.S. Kafka is reportedly itching in his Prague grave to write a sequel to 'The Metamorphosis', replacing the salesman with a cricketer this time.

Kanpur Test Day 4

2009-11-27T23:00:00.005+05:30

# Life imitates cricket:

There are things that vary from city to city. And then there are that do not.

Like men of dubious upbringing trying to bring down every wall by sheer urea power. Amazing How the spirit that fell the Berlin Wall is still smouldering in far away India!

Like autowallahs who were uncompromising shearers in previous life.

Or like traffic police warnings.

As you enter Green Park, one such warning screams "Helmet Ki Adat, Pariwar Ki Chahat".

Loosely translated, it basically means every time you kickstart your bike, family members want you to use the helmet. Possibly because your life insurance had lapsed long ago.

An advice of indubitable sagacity indeed.

Had Raman Lamba heeded to that, he would not have popped up in my memory the moment I saw the writing.

# Liar! Liar!
Sreesanth says Harbhajan is like his elder brother. Well, Dipu Santh's is a rather chubby face and barring a thick moustache, is clean shaven. Now that is called stretch of imagination.

# Yours Faithfully:

Outside the stadium, couple of fans tell a local channel that they always knew Sreesanth will stage a comeback.
Once through, one of them hail a riskshaw. The rickshaw-puller wants to know his destination. It still rings in my ear. "Faithfulgunj".

# Marriages, here and there:

News filters in that Gautam Gambhir would skip next Test due to sister's wedding. Press box is abuzz, would Australia allow such a thing? Someone explains "There you can always make it to any of the weddings of your sister." Now that is mean.

Kanpur Test Day 3 : Hatchets buried

2009-11-26T22:53:00.002+05:30

Edged. Panaravitana is back. So is Sreesanth. Back with a bang.

19 months of wilderness finally behind him. Teammates mob Sree.

Can't read Harbhajan's face. Let alone his mind. Does he feel awkward? Will the bad blood persist?

I expect perfunctory claps. Well, it's actually a clasp! And doesn't look perfunctory either!

Harbhajan hugs Sree. Last time it was engineered. By Farokh Engineer.

I don't know what lies in their bosoms. In fact they may never become bosom friend. But I love this coming together.

Life is way too precious to do something as silly as nursing grudges. I'm happy Bhajji and Sree have moved on.

Kanpur Test Day 2: God's prodigal son

2009-11-25T21:08:00.005+05:30

It was a huge joint venture, if you care to know.

Sources reveal 33 crore Hindu Gods collaborated with Allah Almighty and Jesus Christ to make it happen.

And it required such an unprecedented joining of hands because, along with others, the God of Cricket -- 20 years in circulation -- did not want him in the Team India dressing room.

Sreesanth is a madcap.

He hears strange noise inside his head. He perceives Nel, Hayden and Symonds on the window pane. Harbhajan with an outstretched hand haunts him in his nightmares. And he hallucinates a gorilla making him hug a monkey while the fox claps.

Gods consult and issue him a new lease of life and Sreesanth runs in from media centre end, all verve and vim.

He thinks Paranavitana has nicked it. He appeals. No, he pleads. He then urges. Finally he begs.

But there is no trace of life in the umpire's standing corpse.

Sreesanth stays rooted to the crease.

Sehwag collects his hat and pats him. Sreesanth drags himself to fine leg. He looks upward. Seeking divine intervention again.

The guys upstairs squirm in their abode.

"Now what?"

Sreesanth feels he is drowning. And he seeks a divine straw to clutch at.

Kanpur Test Day 1: My 7 suspects

2009-11-24T22:44:00.003+05:30

1. The cake Amit Mishra -- he turned 27 today even though his look suggests 72 -- received from team management had 'Happy-Birthday-Omit' written across it;

2. "Sorry Bhai" is the Bollywood movie that pretty much sums up Pragyan Ojha's feeling towards Amit Mishra;

3. The only explanation of Sri Lanka's frequent dropping of anything flying off Sehwag's bat is -- they consider it below their dignity. They steadfastly refused in Ahmedabad till one accidentally got stuck to Angelo Mathews' reluctant palm. Here too Mahela dropped Sehwag on duck before Dilshan caught him. And that because Sehwag happens to be Dilshan's Delhi Daredevils comrade;

4. After their union in Ahmedabad, the Jayawardenes clicked in Kanpur as well. Well, this time for India, by collaborating to spill Sehwag on zero;

5. The secret behind Sehwag's uncharacteristic patience is Dhoni's threat to make him write Welegedara's full name -- Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanga Welegedara -- 10 times if he got out early;

6. Harbhajan Singh's mild throat infection had the team management worried because they know his real craft lies in his larynx;

7. When Sehwag said Gambhir is the best Indian opener since Gavaskar, he meant Srikkanth was a motormouth madcap, Ganguly an ill-tempered mule and Tendulkar a petulant holy cow.