Indian Left Leaning Right Wing Aam Congress Trinamuletra Kazhagam (ILLRWACTK) advertises the following posts to reinforce our mid-rung leadership and boost our media presence.
1. Senior On-camera Crier:
We are looking for someone with robust lacrimal glands (attach medical reports). The candidate should be able to summon tears at a short notice. Essentially, we are looking for a Nirupa Roy in khadi, who should be able to cry over anything, including spilt milk.
Salary: In keeping with the job profile, salary will leave you in tears.
2. Senior Studio-hopper:
We are looking for a candidate with a gift for diplomatic circumlocution. You should be able to blabber on without telling anything.
You would be hopping from one TV studio to another, defending even the most indefensible party move. You should be compulsorily non-committal, supremely vague and appear funereal.
We are basically looking for someone who can outcliche Ravi Shastri, outidiom Navjot Sidhu and outbias Sunny Gavaskar.
You must be a thick-skinned, cliche-pouting, footage-gobbling motormouth, who is not averse to be humiliated on national TV by Arnab Goswami. You should absorb some of the public outrage so that top leaders have it easy.
Candidate should be open to defending party at odd hours for it's not always possible for top leadership to bungle strictly between 9-6.
We will offer a competitive salary but no residence as the candidate will be camping in TV studios anyway.
3. Compulsive condemner-cum-resignation seeker:
We are looking for someone who would condemn rival leaders and demand their resignation even when asleep.
Candidate should look perennially grumpy. Those with chronic dyspepsia and/or migraine would be preferred (attach medical certificate). He/she should be able to link opposition leaders to any scandal/debacle happening anywhere in the world and demand resignation on moral ground.
We offer a salary that would help you remain grumpy but you are not supposed to demand HR manager's resignation.
4. Junior Social media wisher-cum-mourner:
We want an internet-savvy candidate who'd keep us at the top of the social media game.
The job is essentially to wish party leaders and ideologues on their birthdays/anniversaries and mourn their death on Facebook and Twitter.
Social media is a potential minefield and it's a deceptively easy job. This vacancy was created after we fired the chap who prematurely tweeted "Party president died, R.I.P." when the venerable leader had merely dyed.
Salary will be linked to number of Likes you get on Facebook and the RTs you generate on Twitter.